Thirty Years Ago Today

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School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces

Yes, tis me, (Center) the curator of the Grassy Knoll Institute, circa June 4th, 1978, high school graduation. I know you can dig the round over sized hippie shaded glasses. And I even got my hair cut for graduation day. Yes, I had long hair in high school. Alas, it was also that same year my hair started to turn gray.

To my right is one of my good friends Jim, (in the mustache) who moved to Kokomo, Indiana shortly after this day. By chance, we connected via the Internet, and it was good talking to one of my old friends that I haven't seen or spoken to for almost 30 years.

I'll leave you with an Alice Cooper tune that I blared on the last day of school over and over and over again on my 8-Track tape player in my car. Good times, good times.

Well we got no choice,
All the girls and boys,
Makin' all that noise,
Cause they found new toys.

Well we can't salute ya,
Can't find a flag,
If that don't suit ya,
That's a drag.

School's out for summer,
School's out forever,
School's been blown to pieces.

No more pencils,
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks

Well we got no class
And we got no principals
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes

School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces
No more pencils
nNo more books
No more teacher's dirty looks

Out for summer
Out till fall
We might not come back at all
School's out forever
School's out for summer
School's out with fever
School's out completely

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LURKING, GREAT IN 78, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

On The Run From Nuns

Nuns Are Following Me

Catholic Nuns In Gatlinburg

I think my identity has been found out by the Catholic Nun order. Spying several nuns in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, I boarded the Ski Lift on the Parkway to the top of the Smoky Mountains to avoid detection.

Assuming I was safe I glanced back to see if I was followed....

Out of reflex, I immediately said 10 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers and one really good Act Of Contrition.

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I Am Free From Thought Screen Helmet Aliens

A Small Price To Pay

Although this particular model of thought screen helmet has several drawbacks, (The inability to see oncoming traffic, difficulty entering doorways, and a target for ridicule) it is highly effective at keeping the evil race of aliens attempting to control mankind through telepathy at bay.

Although, perhaps this is the plan of the evil race of aliens. To make us all wear funny hats, get run over by cars, stuck in doorways, and get laughed at causing fights and riots.

Ingenious.

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Welcome To Fabulous Las Vegas

Welcome back Curator of the Grassy Knoll Institute

I'm on my way once again to fabulous Las Vegas for yet another business trip. While the lead scientist is finishing up his business in Florida, I am heading West to the neon desert.

And look, Las Vegas knows I'm coming....

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LURKING, GAMBLING, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Irish Humor To Start Your Day

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

--------------------------
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye, FOOM! The oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! There was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

-----------------

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

------------------

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

----------------
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"
----------------

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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Triple Dog Dare

Triple Dog Dared!

Great Christmas gift. Really slow in adding it to the Institute, but I am committed to getting everything up to date. (Someday anyway!) Make sure your speakers are turned up. (No, a scary monster won't jump out at you. It's just so you can hear the dialog.) Enjoy.

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Idora Park Entrance Sign

This was the Idora Amusement Park entrance sign just off of Canfield Road in Youngstown, Ohio. It stood proud and tall for many years. Even years after the park closed in 1984.

A polka festival was the last advertised event at Idora Park. I can remember the yellow blinking lights and the blue background announcing to all that you had arrived at Idora Park.

The sign has been torn down several years ago but you can still see in the road the indentations where it stood.

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Triple Dog Dared

Triple Dog Dare

Apparently Inga never watched the classic holiday film, A Christmas Story. Otherwise, she would have known what happens when she sticks her tongue onto a pole.

Perhaps Inga was Triple dogged Dared much like Flick was in the movie and couldn't resist the challenge.

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First Glimpse Of Asteroid TU24

First Glimpse Of Asteroid TU24 To Slam Into Earth

Asteroid TU24

As Monday rapidly approaches NASA has all their satellites trained on asteroid TU24 which is speeding towards earth on an direct impact course. The asteroid should hit the Southern hemisphere at 0500 GMT on Monday the 28th.

NASA through it's tracking satellites was able to capture this startling photograph of TU24 just as it swung around the moon heading towards earth.

God save us all.....
And for you atheists, you're up the creek without a paddle.

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Philadelphia Museum Of Art Logo

Right across the street of the Philadelphia Museum Of Art is a quaint little landing and gazebo overlooking the river. An old wooden fence guards against the danger of falling over the ledge and down the side of the ravine.As with almost all public places, etchings and carvings adorn the fence.

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Ink Blotter Test

To become employed as a Grassy Knoll Institute rocket scientist, a litany of tests must be completed. This is the final one. The so-called pysch test.
Simply, look at the above canvass and tell us what you see in the ink blotter?
You have 30 seconds.

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Hooked On A Feeling

Shark Hooks In Womans Back

When in Florida, the Grassy Knoll Institute likes to relax and do a little deep sea fishing. Usually we don't catch anything and really don't care that we don't. Marlin, swordfish, and sharks are the usual catch but sometimes we get our hooks into something unusual.

Although we hauled this one into the boat, reluctantly we had to release the catch due to the Florida fish and wildlife license.

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Body Armor Sharks

Sharks With Body Armor

With their continuing assault on the human population, Super Alien Sharks have mutated and now have genetically altered steel plating and incredibly, they still remain buoyant and ferocious hunters and excellent swimmers.

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Parking Deck Conspiracy

Parking In Gatlinburg Tennessee

 Five dollars for all day parking doesn't sound to bad until you look at the big picture. Every year I visit Gatlinburg, Tennessee (Apparently there is a huge amount of paranormal activity in the foothills of the Smoky mountains) and I walk through this parking deck every day to and from my hotel on my way to and from work. So far no problem. But of course there is more.

Gatlinburg is a very busy tourist and convention town. Literally thousands of locals and out of towners flock into Gatlinburg during the morning hours to attend conventions, shopping, sightseeing, visit Ober Gatlinburg, and other activities. This parking deck is the only spot to park as you are not permitted to on the Parkway strip.

As you might believe, this deck is very popular and by 10am is packed. The only problem is, the above $5.00 parking sign is not posted in the mornings.

Parking Deck In Gatlinburg Tennessee

This one is!

That's right kids, early in the morning the parking attendant tapes this $10.00 parking sign at the entrance covering the $5.00 signs. At roughly 10am, the $10.00 sign is taken down and for the rest of the day, parking is only five dollars.

The parking deck has a monopoly and you either pay the $10.00 or you don't park. It's that simple. But the sign says, $5.00 parking all day. What it really should say is, parking is $5.00 all day except during the morning hours when demand is at it's highest which at that time you will pay $10.00 or whatever we want you to pay.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has a sneaking suspicion that Exxon Corporation owns this parking deck.

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NFL Network Conspiracy

Armstrong Cable Blacks Out NFL Network

Last Thanksgiving evening thousands of NFL fans were treated to a blacked out Bronco's - Chiefs game. As ravenous turkey laden fans settled down in front of their TV's, they were rudely alerted and told that the game could not be televised tonight due to an outrageous fee that the NFL wanted to charge the cable company. Armstrong cable, our local cable company, ran this scrolling message across the television screen.

Armstrong is not able to air tonight's game because the NFL has not granted us the right to do so. The NFL has demanded an outrageous amount for Armstrong to show eight out of market games. Your local team's games will be available on other channels. For more information, please call 1-877-277-5711

The Grassy Knoll Institute has been watching the NFL network all year on Armstrong cable and we have watched all the commercials touting Thursday night NFL football beginning Thanksgiving evening. However, we did not see a single commercial, or alert, or note on our cable bill stating that Armstrong cable was not going to pay the required fee to the NFL to carry the games on NFL network. Armstrong cable had 11 months to notify it's loyal paying customers. Instead, Armstrong chose to alert us at 8pm Thanksgiving night, just minutes before the game was to air.

The Grassy Knoll Institute believes that Armstrong cable deliberately waited to make the announcement so as to eliminate defection from avid NFL sports fans who were anticipating the extra game on Thanksgiving plus a Thursday game to the end of the season. If these fans were told months before when the deal was shown to Armstrong and rejected, perhaps they would have had time to seek alternate services to receive the games. DirecTV and Dish Network carried the game and they are direct competitors to cable television. Now do you see the conspiracy?

Armstrong cable made a grave error in customer service on Thanksgiving. They had the ability to notify their customers but elected not to. This course of action gives cable companies even more of a bad reputation concerning customer service.

This type of power play is happening more often as ESPN flexed it's network muscles by putting popular college football games on it's least popular channel, ESPNU network. This is forcing cable companies to either add the new ESPN channel to it's lineup or risk the wrath of loyal cable customers.

Nobody wins except the networks.

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ESPNU Flexes Muscles

ESPN television sports cable network is flexing it's sport muscle using top collegiate football games to force cable networks to add the channel to it's lineup. Doesn't sound like a conspiracy to you? Well, let's look at some facts.ESPNU is the weakest of 5 channels in the ESPN conglomerate plus the powerful ABC television completes a formidable sports network second to none. All but the ESPNU channel is doing well and ESPN has found a way to almost immediately make the channel in demand. I don't want to use the word extortion, but since it's already printed here, and I don't feel like applying another word, we'll let extortion stick.

Several weeks ago ESPN opted to televise the Ohio State Buckeyes verses the Indiana Hoosiers football game on ESPNU network instead of it's flagship channel ESPN. Thee Ohio State Buckeyes are undefeated and the number one ranked team in the nation. This game demanded a national audience but instead it was shown in less than 10% of the nations homes.

As the news spread that the game wasn't going to be televised nationally, the phone lines and emails heated up to the local cable providers demanding why ESPNU wasn't on their list of channels. Thousands of complaints were logged to the cable companies, (And this time the fault did not fall upon the cable companies on this one) but they did not have any control over what ESPN decides to air and what not to.

In one swift motion, ESPNU was on the map and became a buzz word that weekend. To complete the deal, ESPNU announced the rules of regional coverage (engagement) stating they have the legal right not to air a particular game or games if they so desire. In fact, the possibility was implied that more top rated games could wind up on ESPNU putting even more pressure on the cable networks to pick up ESPNU on their lineup.

ESPNU had a very successful test and the Grassy Knoll Institute will wager that with the final weeks of the college season upon us, another major game will find it's way on the fledgling ESPNU network which will pave the way for next year with ESPN announcing an expanded schedule of game for 2007. A perfect conspiracy theory indeed.

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Ben Roethlisberger Conspiracy

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback for the 2006 NFL super bowl champions Pittsburgh Steelers appears to have overcome the effects from his motorcycle crash earlier last year.

Roethlisberger was not wearing his helmet when he flew over his motorcycle handlebars and slammed into an oncoming car hitting the wind shiled and then falling to the ground. A witness went over to assist and Roethlisberger asked where he was, what state he was in, and what time it was.

Roethlisberger had seven hours of surgery to repair the damage to his head and body and the doctors were encouraged by the success of the procedures. He spent a few days recovering and went home to rehabilitate his body and mind for the upcoming 2006 NFL season.

As we all know, the NFL is a big business corporation and the superbowl winning quarterback is a big marketing piece. For the 2006 season, Ben Roethlisberger was that icon. Any bad press for him is bad for business, and profit.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has learned through several reliable sources that Roethlisberger was still suffering from neurological damage from the head injury during his helmetless collision with the vehicle he slammed into. Studies show that brain synapses are severely impaired when a trauma to the head occurs such as a concussion. Case studies show that many football players incur concussions and afterward, are asked simple questions to determine the severity of the concussion and to evaluate if the player is in danger.

Standard questions are, What day is it, What state are you in, and who are we playing. If the player has any difficulty answering, he is not permitted to return to the field of play and usually sent to the hospital for further evaluation and brain scans. Ben asked what state he was in and what time it was.

Symptoms of a concussion are unconsciousness, loss of normal reflexes and motor skills, normal pupil response to light, headache, confusion, irritability, numbness, mental confusion, and memory recall.

Roethlisberger was traveling on his motorcycle Southbound and struck a car going Northbound. If each vehicle was traveling 40 miles per hour, (This is a highway, where the speed limit is 55 MPH) the collision force would be that of an 80 mile per hour crash into a brick wall. And Roethlisberger hit the car head on. Without a helmet. This is by far a more severe blow to the head than a helmet to helmet on a football field.

The Grassy Knoll Institute speculated that Roethlisberger had not entirely healed from the accident. His reflexes were slowed, his motor skills off, his memory recall a little out of focus, and his decision making not up to standard.

Case in point: Last year, 2005, Roethlisberger enjoyed a quarterback rating of 98.6, as well a 98.1 rating in 2004, his rookie season. This year, his rating is 41.7, almost two and a half times lower. His completion percentage is also down by over 10 percent and his interception rate is up over 57 percent. His mobility was slowed, had been fumbling the ball more often, and made bad decisions where in years past, did not.

Recovery from a concussions can take several days, weeks, or months depending on the severity and the person. In some cases, permanent damage can occur.

Did Roethlisberger cover up his injury in hopes of shaking it off and playing through the pain and confusion? Perhaps he was not even aware due to the mental confusion he was suffering from. Perhaps the NFL had turned another blind eye to this potential health problem as it did with Brett Favre several years ago when after suffering a concussion was allowed to return to the game to throw a TD pass thus keeping his NFL streak alive. Perhaps he is just having a lousy season. Perhaps losing Bettis was more of a loss than thought. Only time will tell.

In 2007 and a full year to recover from the head trauma, Roethlisberger is enjoying a resurgence as the Pittsburgh Steelers are first in their division and heading to the playoffs. Big Ben is big Ben again, making the plays he is accustomed to.

Something to think about.

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NASA Shuttle Atlantis

NASA Space Shuttle Conspiracy

NASA is in the news spotlight once again as shuttle Atlantis returned to earth after a successful mission with the international space station. The shuttle's camera's spotted some space debris in the shuttle's orbit possibly posing a threat during re-entry.

Shuttle Atlantis commander Brent Jett stated to Mission Control that the debris looked like two rings and a piece of tin foil. He further noted that the object was 100 or so feet from the shuttle and was "A reflective cloth or a mechanic looking-cloth...It's not a solid metal structure."

Does anyone else find this explanation familiar? Oh, I don't know, maybe about 50 years ago, in a tiny little town called Roswell. Hundreds of townsfolk reported seeing something strange in the sky. Many said they saw it crash in a farmers field. Even the newspapers said it was a Unidentified Flying Saucer.

After a panic and more media, the government put a lid on the story and concocted the cover story that a top secret weather balloon was what was actually seen in the sky. They even showed some nuts, bolts, rings, and a large piece of tin foil.

The Shuttle landed perfectly in a very rare night time landing. Grassy Knoll Institutes own rocket scientists have acquired the classified film footage taken from the shuttle camera and found startling evidence that the objects are not so-called space junk. Our scientists were able to extrapolate that the objects were alien probes, sent to spy on the space station.

The shuttle astronauts, after un-docking from the station, spent an extra day syncing its orbit with the probes and the shuttles robotic arm was able to snatch the probe and place it in the cargo bay.

Of course, the cover story was that NASA was concerned about the objects and danger they presented to the shuttle. Hence the extra day in space. And the landing in the cover at night completed the mission.

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Riding The Christmas Tree

Looking at the calendar seeing November rapidly fading I can almost hear the gears begin to shift into the high glee of the Christmas spirit. With my vantage point, I can see the traffic congestion, thousands of cars filled with happy shoppers waiting for hours to save 5 bucks on a four-slice toaster.

But this blog ain’t about the lead up to Christmas, it’s the after effects of the holiday season, or more precise, the tradition of taking down the tree. (Rest assured, there will be a very soon blog on the tradition of putting the Christmas tree up, from the old days of going out and cutting down a fresh tree to the current artificial tree scenario we have right now.)

Happy New Year!!! Yes January 1st is here and the tree is still in the corner. Our two wild cats have already picked it clean of all their favorite baubles and trinkets leaving a smattering of tidings and joy scattered throughout the house. You haven’t lived until you see silver tinsel in the cat box. And it didn’t fall in there either. Yet I digress yet again.

The dismantling of the tree and storing it away was always a chore. Taking down all the ornaments that the cats didn’t like and putting them back in their boxes, unwrapping the garland strings and folding it ever so nicely back into its boxes, unwinding the several thousand lights that when at full illumination, burned my retina’s out and I couldn’t see for two full days.

And yes, the lights always seem to get tangled into a big ball and it takes quite awhile and plenty of patience to get them all wound up in the right coiled position so next year when they are unpacked, they are not in a big ass ball.

Finally, the tree is bare and I bring the tree box from the basement and center it in the living room. Taking out the old newspapers from years past that I use to cover the tree, (I don’t know why I do that) I begin with the treetop and it pops right off. I set it on top of the lazy boy couch.
The tree is in sections and comes apart fairly easily. This part takes all of five minutes. I then pack each section carefully in the box, put the treetop in and the poles and the tree stand. I then put the old newspapers on top and tape up the box readying it for its journey and dormant sleep for another year in the basement.

I pushed the tree box to the kitchen door and positioned it in front of the basement stairs. Gently and slowly I lifted the tree box beginnings its journey down the steps. Then it happened. I guess my tennis shoes were untied for I stepped on the laces and tripped and fell right on top of the tree box. A split second later, I was inside the tree box sleeping with the branches, and a split second after that I was riding the damn Christmas tree down the basement steps.

Thump, Thump, Thump, times 15 steps. My heart was pounding and my mind went blank. (My wife says hard to believe huh?) The ride was over in a nanosecond. The box slip safely to a halt about five feet on the basement floor. I jumped out of that box like a Jack-In-The-Box tightly wound. Feeling nothing broken I started to laugh. I sat down on the floor cracking up thinking that this episode would have been perfect for America’s Funniest home movies. Where’s the damn web cam when you need them?

Later that day I told my wife Patty of my most eventful day. She looked at me in shock, asked if I was OK, and then proceeded to bust out in laughter calling me by her pet name she made up for me. “You idiot, you’re lucky you didn’t kill yourself.” Yes dear, but at least the Christmas tree was stowed away for another year and I got a free ride down the steps.

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Credit Card Gift Card

A Grassy Knoll Institute Holiday Shopping Tip

Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday to remember the Pilgrims sitting down with the Indians for a meal. It is now the kickoff day for the holiday shopping season feeding frenzy. Shoppers will flock in droves to the stores for those early bargains, deep discounted items, and door buster one-day only specials. But buyers beware. There is a new gift out there this year. The CREDIT CARD Gift Card. Yes, this gift just recently surfaced the past several years but is deemed to be one the most popular gifts given this holiday season. And the retailers love it.

Lets say you decide to get a $100.00 gift card for the family member on your list that is tough to buy for. After Christmas, said family member happily embarks to the local mall to buy, say, a pair of shoes. He pays $85.40 including tax. He then buys a pack of sports socks, his favorite team for $13.49 including tax. He has spent $98.89 and is happy that he got what he wanted. And, the credit card company is happy for said family member now has $1.11 left on his account and it is very difficult to purchase anything at the mall for that amount.

The credit card company will keep that balance available for approximately 6 months and then clear the account reaping in that $1.11 as profit. Multiply this amount by several million cards and it turns out to be a pretty sweet business venture.

I found this out last winter while shopping. My son had one of those gift cards good at any store in the Southern park Mall in Youngstown, Ohio. He used a good portion of it up and wanted to buy a calendar with the remaining balance. The clerk was unable to see the balance on the card and tried to complete the transaction. The computer beeped back that there wasn't enough on the card. My son tried a lower number and would pay the difference in cash.

He had to try 5 times before the computer would accept the amount entered. And still, my son didn't know how much was left on the card. Now wait a minute for everyone that is going to tell me that there is a website you can visit and enter the card number to see the balance, but when you are already at the mall, its a tough call.

So, what have we learned at the Grassy Knoll Institute today? When giving a monetary gift for Christmas, make it cash, not the gift credit card.

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