Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts

11/24/2007

Parking Deck Conspiracy


Parking In Gatlinburg Tennessee
Parking In Gatlinburg Tennessee
 Five dollars for all day parking doesn't sound to bad until you look at the big picture. Every year I visit Gatlinburg, Tennessee (Apparently there is a huge amount of paranormal activity in the foothills of the Smoky mountains) and I walk through this parking deck every day to and from my hotel on my way to and from work. So far no problem. But of course there is more.

Gatlinburg is a very busy tourist and convention town. Literally thousands of locals and out of towners flock into Gatlinburg during the morning hours to attend conventions, shopping, sightseeing, visit Ober Gatlinburg, and other activities. This parking deck is the only spot to park as you are not permitted to on the Parkway strip.

As you might believe, this deck is very popular and by 10am is packed. The only problem is, the above $5.00 parking sign is not posted in the mornings.
Parking Deck In Gatlinburg Tennessee
Parking Deck In Gatlinburg Tennessee

This one is!

That's right kids, early in the morning the parking attendant tapes this $10.00 parking sign at the entrance covering the $5.00 signs. At roughly 10am, the $10.00 sign is taken down and for the rest of the day, parking is only five dollars.

The parking deck has a monopoly and you either pay the $10.00 or you don't park. It's that simple. But the sign says, $5.00 parking all day. What it really should say is, parking is $5.00 all day except during the morning hours when demand is at it's highest which at that time you will pay $10.00 or whatever we want you to pay.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has a sneaking suspicion that Exxon Corporation owns this parking deck.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/22/2007

NFL Network Conspiracy

Armstrong Cable Blacks Out NFL Network

Last Thanksgiving evening thousands of NFL fans were treated to a blacked out Bronco's - Chiefs game. As ravenous turkey laden fans settled down in front of their TV's, they were rudely alerted and told that the game could not be televised tonight due to an outrageous fee that the NFL wanted to charge the cable company. Armstrong cable, our local cable company, ran this scrolling message across the television screen.

Armstrong is not able to air tonight's game because the NFL has not granted us the right to do so. The NFL has demanded an outrageous amount for Armstrong to show eight out of market games. Your local team's games will be available on other channels. For more information, please call 1-877-277-5711

The Grassy Knoll Institute has been watching the NFL network all year on Armstrong cable and we have watched all the commercials touting Thursday night NFL football beginning Thanksgiving evening. However, we did not see a single commercial, or alert, or note on our cable bill stating that Armstrong cable was not going to pay the required fee to the NFL to carry the games on NFL network. Armstrong cable had 11 months to notify it's loyal paying customers. Instead, Armstrong chose to alert us at 8pm Thanksgiving night, just minutes before the game was to air.

The Grassy Knoll Institute believes that Armstrong cable deliberately waited to make the announcement so as to eliminate defection from avid NFL sports fans who were anticipating the extra game on Thanksgiving plus a Thursday game to the end of the season. If these fans were told months before when the deal was shown to Armstrong and rejected, perhaps they would have had time to seek alternate services to receive the games. DirecTV and Dish Network carried the game and they are direct competitors to cable television. Now do you see the conspiracy?

Armstrong cable made a grave error in customer service on Thanksgiving. They had the ability to notify their customers but elected not to. This course of action gives cable companies even more of a bad reputation concerning customer service.

This type of power play is happening more often as ESPN flexed it's network muscles by putting popular college football games on it's least popular channel, ESPNU network. This is forcing cable companies to either add the new ESPN channel to it's lineup or risk the wrath of loyal cable customers.

Nobody wins except the networks.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/20/2007

ESPNU Flexes Muscles

ESPN television sports cable network is flexing it's sport muscle using top collegiate football games to force cable networks to add the channel to it's lineup. Doesn't sound like a conspiracy to you? Well, let's look at some facts.ESPNU is the weakest of 5 channels in the ESPN conglomerate plus the powerful ABC television completes a formidable sports network second to none. All but the ESPNU channel is doing well and ESPN has found a way to almost immediately make the channel in demand. I don't want to use the word extortion, but since it's already printed here, and I don't feel like applying another word, we'll let extortion stick.

Several weeks ago ESPN opted to televise the Ohio State Buckeyes verses the Indiana Hoosiers football game on ESPNU network instead of it's flagship channel ESPN. Thee Ohio State Buckeyes are undefeated and the number one ranked team in the nation. This game demanded a national audience but instead it was shown in less than 10% of the nations homes.

As the news spread that the game wasn't going to be televised nationally, the phone lines and emails heated up to the local cable providers demanding why ESPNU wasn't on their list of channels. Thousands of complaints were logged to the cable companies, (And this time the fault did not fall upon the cable companies on this one) but they did not have any control over what ESPN decides to air and what not to.

In one swift motion, ESPNU was on the map and became a buzz word that weekend. To complete the deal, ESPNU announced the rules of regional coverage (engagement) stating they have the legal right not to air a particular game or games if they so desire. In fact, the possibility was implied that more top rated games could wind up on ESPNU putting even more pressure on the cable networks to pick up ESPNU on their lineup.

ESPNU had a very successful test and the Grassy Knoll Institute will wager that with the final weeks of the college season upon us, another major game will find it's way on the fledgling ESPNU network which will pave the way for next year with ESPN announcing an expanded schedule of game for 2007. A perfect conspiracy theory indeed.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/18/2007

Ben Roethlisberger Conspiracy

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback for the 2006 NFL super bowl champions Pittsburgh Steelers appears to have overcome the effects from his motorcycle crash earlier last year.

Roethlisberger was not wearing his helmet when he flew over his motorcycle handlebars and slammed into an oncoming car hitting the wind shiled and then falling to the ground. A witness went over to assist and Roethlisberger asked where he was, what state he was in, and what time it was.

Roethlisberger had seven hours of surgery to repair the damage to his head and body and the doctors were encouraged by the success of the procedures. He spent a few days recovering and went home to rehabilitate his body and mind for the upcoming 2006 NFL season.

As we all know, the NFL is a big business corporation and the superbowl winning quarterback is a big marketing piece. For the 2006 season, Ben Roethlisberger was that icon. Any bad press for him is bad for business, and profit.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has learned through several reliable sources that Roethlisberger was still suffering from neurological damage from the head injury during his helmetless collision with the vehicle he slammed into. Studies show that brain synapses are severely impaired when a trauma to the head occurs such as a concussion. Case studies show that many football players incur concussions and afterward, are asked simple questions to determine the severity of the concussion and to evaluate if the player is in danger.

Standard questions are, What day is it, What state are you in, and who are we playing. If the player has any difficulty answering, he is not permitted to return to the field of play and usually sent to the hospital for further evaluation and brain scans. Ben asked what state he was in and what time it was.

Symptoms of a concussion are unconsciousness, loss of normal reflexes and motor skills, normal pupil response to light, headache, confusion, irritability, numbness, mental confusion, and memory recall.

Roethlisberger was traveling on his motorcycle Southbound and struck a car going Northbound. If each vehicle was traveling 40 miles per hour, (This is a highway, where the speed limit is 55 MPH) the collision force would be that of an 80 mile per hour crash into a brick wall. And Roethlisberger hit the car head on. Without a helmet. This is by far a more severe blow to the head than a helmet to helmet on a football field.

The Grassy Knoll Institute speculated that Roethlisberger had not entirely healed from the accident. His reflexes were slowed, his motor skills off, his memory recall a little out of focus, and his decision making not up to standard.

Case in point: Last year, 2005, Roethlisberger enjoyed a quarterback rating of 98.6, as well a 98.1 rating in 2004, his rookie season. This year, his rating is 41.7, almost two and a half times lower. His completion percentage is also down by over 10 percent and his interception rate is up over 57 percent. His mobility was slowed, had been fumbling the ball more often, and made bad decisions where in years past, did not.

Recovery from a concussions can take several days, weeks, or months depending on the severity and the person. In some cases, permanent damage can occur.

Did Roethlisberger cover up his injury in hopes of shaking it off and playing through the pain and confusion? Perhaps he was not even aware due to the mental confusion he was suffering from. Perhaps the NFL had turned another blind eye to this potential health problem as it did with Brett Favre several years ago when after suffering a concussion was allowed to return to the game to throw a TD pass thus keeping his NFL streak alive. Perhaps he is just having a lousy season. Perhaps losing Bettis was more of a loss than thought. Only time will tell.

In 2007 and a full year to recover from the head trauma, Roethlisberger is enjoying a resurgence as the Pittsburgh Steelers are first in their division and heading to the playoffs. Big Ben is big Ben again, making the plays he is accustomed to.

Something to think about.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/17/2007

NASA Shuttle Atlantis

NASA Space Shuttle Conspiracy
NASA Space Shuttle Conspiracy
NASA is in the news spotlight once again as shuttle Atlantis returned to earth after a successful mission with the international space station. The shuttle's camera's spotted some space debris in the shuttle's orbit possibly posing a threat during re-entry.
Shuttle Atlantis commander Brent Jett stated to Mission Control that the debris looked like two rings and a piece of tin foil. He further noted that the object was 100 or so feet from the shuttle and was "A reflective cloth or a mechanic looking-cloth...It's not a solid metal structure."

Does anyone else find this explanation familiar? Oh, I don't know, maybe about 50 years ago, in a tiny little town called Roswell. Hundreds of townsfolk reported seeing something strange in the sky. Many said they saw it crash in a farmers field. Even the newspapers said it was a Unidentified Flying Saucer.

After a panic and more media, the government put a lid on the story and concocted the cover story that a top secret weather balloon was what was actually seen in the sky. They even showed some nuts, bolts, rings, and a large piece of tin foil.

The Shuttle landed perfectly in a very rare night time landing. Grassy Knoll Institutes own rocket scientists have acquired the classified film footage taken from the shuttle camera and found startling evidence that the objects are not so-called space junk. Our scientists were able to extrapolate that the objects were alien probes, sent to spy on the space station.

The shuttle astronauts, after un-docking from the station, spent an extra day syncing its orbit with the probes and the shuttles robotic arm was able to snatch the probe and place it in the cargo bay.

Of course, the cover story was that NASA was concerned about the objects and danger they presented to the shuttle. Hence the extra day in space. And the landing in the cover at night completed the mission.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/06/2007

Credit Card Gift Card

A Grassy Knoll Institute Holiday Shopping Tip

Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday to remember the Pilgrims sitting down with the Indians for a meal. It is now the kickoff day for the holiday shopping season feeding frenzy. Shoppers will flock in droves to the stores for those early bargains, deep discounted items, and door buster one-day only specials. But buyers beware. There is a new gift out there this year. The CREDIT CARD Gift Card. Yes, this gift just recently surfaced the past several years but is deemed to be one the most popular gifts given this holiday season. And the retailers love it.

Lets say you decide to get a $100.00 gift card for the family member on your list that is tough to buy for. After Christmas, said family member happily embarks to the local mall to buy, say, a pair of shoes. He pays $85.40 including tax. He then buys a pack of sports socks, his favorite team for $13.49 including tax. He has spent $98.89 and is happy that he got what he wanted. And, the credit card company is happy for said family member now has $1.11 left on his account and it is very difficult to purchase anything at the mall for that amount.

The credit card company will keep that balance available for approximately 6 months and then clear the account reaping in that $1.11 as profit. Multiply this amount by several million cards and it turns out to be a pretty sweet business venture.

I found this out last winter while shopping. My son had one of those gift cards good at any store in the Southern park Mall in Youngstown, Ohio. He used a good portion of it up and wanted to buy a calendar with the remaining balance. The clerk was unable to see the balance on the card and tried to complete the transaction. The computer beeped back that there wasn't enough on the card. My son tried a lower number and would pay the difference in cash.

He had to try 5 times before the computer would accept the amount entered. And still, my son didn't know how much was left on the card. Now wait a minute for everyone that is going to tell me that there is a website you can visit and enter the card number to see the balance, but when you are already at the mall, its a tough call.

So, what have we learned at the Grassy Knoll Institute today? When giving a monetary gift for Christmas, make it cash, not the gift credit card.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/05/2007

And Jupiter Aligns With Mars

And Jupiter Aligns With Mars
The recent bizarre weather patterns, or lack there of have not gone unnoticed at the Grassy Knoll Institute. Since the onset of winter in December of 2002, the seasons seem to be blurring together. This winter in the states, the weather was much more severe than in many years past. It seemed to snow almost every day and the temperature was constantly below freezing. As spring began to blossom, the same strange pattern occurred. Precipitation.

Yes, it usually rains in spring, but the rainfall was far above the average and the temperature remained unseasonably cooler than normal. The same pattern as spring gave way to summer. It rained constantly. More precipitation than in years past and the temperature was at least 10 degrees cooler than normal.

Many cities and towns were deluged with what is referred to as “The hundred year rain cycle" flooding streets, rivers cresting, and destruction of property in the hundreds of millions of dollars. This not only happened once, but twice in less than three weeks time. Two ferocious storm patterns with the intensity of the hundred-year rain wreaked havoc causing F.E.M.A. to take action declaring many states disaster area’s after the second storm hit.

Heavy rainstorm systems are not the only peculiar events this season. These storm systems have produced more tornadoes and hurricanes so far this year than ever before recorded in history.

Earthquakes have also increased during the same time period with many dormant fault zones becoming alive again with tremors registering sizable movement and damage.

As strange as it sounds, volcano eruptions have increased in the same time frame and the famed Yellowstone National Park also showed a huge jump in seismic activity leading scientists to believe that this hot bed area will soon erupt and change the landscape of Yellowstone. The last large eruption in Yellowstone was approximately 60,000 years ago and it is due for another gigantic eruption.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has been analyzing all these strange patterns and has come to the realization that there is no conspiracy coverup involved even as some rumors abound about the Government conducting weather altering experiments actually being able to control the weather as they see fit. To this theory, the Grassy Knoll Institute simply says...BULL.

There is a much simpler yet deadlier explanation to the strange weather patterns. One simply needs to look into the night sky for the answer. Search for the moon in the sky. Now, look to the right of the moon. Do you see that bright red shining object? The object that wasn’t visible to the naked eye a mere month ago. That object is the planet Mars. The fourth planet from the sun, our celestial neighbor, and it has come to pay us a visit.

On the 27th of August in 2003, Mars was the closest to Earth than it ever has been in the past 60,000 years. The planet Mars for the next 10 years will become "Close" neighbors with Earth. Approximately every 60,000 years Mars orbit moves in a much nearer approach towards Earth and will continue to be visible in the night sky until late October 2013. Coincidentally, the last time Yellowstone Park had a gigantic eruption was 60,000 years ago. Coincidence, the Grassy Knoll Institute thinks not.

The Grassy Knoll Institute believes Mars is the cause for the strange weather patterns we are having all around the globe? Mars is changing our seasons as it comes closer to the Earth? Mars is cooling the oceans creating weather changes turning dry areas into wetlands?

Does Mars have this power? When we look at the moon and the power it has over our oceans causing high and low tides with it’s gravitational pull, one would tend to believe that a planet the size of Mars would also have an effect on our oceans that determine out weather conditions. Mars, like the moon, has tremendous gravitational pull and with the combined pull of both the moon and Mars on our tectonic plates near earthquake fault lines, certainly the increase of earthquakes and tremors throughout the world can be attributed to this.

Beginning on the 28th, August 2003, Mars slowly began to start to move away distancing itself back to its regular orbit of more than 30 million miles away. This move will take up to ten years. The speed in which Mars returns to its orbit will be gradual ensuring an early fall season and a harsh, wet and cold winter. This pattern will continue for 10 years.

Epilogue:

Perhaps 50 million years ago, the dinosaurs looked up and gazed upon a strange light in the sky. Perhaps Mars inched even closer to Earth that time. Perhaps close enough to change the entire globes climate, sending the Earth into an ice age sealing the fate of the dinosaur. The Grassy Knoll Institute will keep its eyes focused skyward.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/31/2007

Internet Virus Conspiracy

The Grassy Knoll Institute Reveals An Internet Virus Conspiracy

Another wave of Internet virus strains are infecting millions of computers. The previous headline is becoming common place in the computer age in which we live. Billions of dollars and valuable resources are being spent to combat and deter these virus outbreaks. Yet, after one strain is brought under control, another more powerful and destructive one erupts in the electrons of cyberspace forcing an unending vicious cycle of perpetual doom and gloom to consumers and manufacturers alike.

The MYDOOM virus is an excellent example. MYDOOM attacked the vulnerability of Microsoft powered computers through back doors and cracks in the firewalls. The virus sent a denial of service to a specific website effectively shutting down the site. The computers infected with MYDOOM virus were turned into slave drones and forced them to send that website millions of emails that overloaded the server effectively shutting down the site. And this happened to Microsoft, one of the most powerful software companies in the world.

What is my point you ask?
Many think that these virus strains are merely prototypes, tests if you will, on the Internet backbone and are a prelude to a much broader scale of terrorism via the Internet. MYDOOM virus infected millions of computers in just 48 hours. Could it be that each new strain has an added feature to test certain area's of the Internet structure, learning and building a better virus vehicle on the way. Perhaps the next strain will be more powerful and affect more than just one website and deny service to critical business agencies.

Some also believe it is a prelude to the coming of the antichrist. It fits all the criteria set.

The Grassy Knoll Institute will be watching.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Vanguard Of An Invading Army

Strange and unexpected happenings are occurring on Pluto, our most distant planet in the solar system. Pluto is the focal point of many scientific studies and conjecture as of late. Vast amount of equipment and resources are being expended on Pluto and the Grassy Knoll Institute wants to know why.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has obtained these facts so far on our distant planet. Like Mars, Pluto is closer to Earth than it has been in many years. Pluto is just now beginning to move away from the sun and the Earth returning back to its regular orbit. Pluto's atmosphere is also getting thicker even though it is moving away from the sun. In fact, the atmosphere is now so thick it completely obscures the surface of the planet.

Adding to the mystery, NASA has had the Hubble telescope trained on Pluto for over a year now snapping pictures as fast as it can focus. Many of the images show small disc like objects entering and exiting the planets atmosphere. These discs are coming from outside our solar system and do not have an orbit pattern. NASA has claimed that these so-called objects are merely dust particles that have been magnified by the suns closer proximity to the planet. NASA then immediately classified all the data incoming from Hubble and the radio telescopes that monitor sound wave and transmissions.

The Grassy Knoll Institute believes that these discs prove that life exists outside our solar system and these discs are actually alien ships using the planet Pluto as a space warehouse. If this is true, then the question begging to be asked is what are the aliens on Pluto doing and why are they amassing supplies and more and more ships there?

NASA plans on launching a probe to the planet in late 2006 to study the new thick expanding atmosphere and to discover the true identity of the discs surrounding Pluto. The only problem is that the probe won’t reach Pluto for more than 13 years from now.

Does NASA know more than they are telling?

Does NASA possess another Mars face type photo?

Is the government already covering up this monumental discovery of potential proof of life outside our own Earth's boundary?

Or, like War of the Worlds, is this the vanguard of an invading army?


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL