Mass Alien Abduction In Progress

Sole Survivor Wearing His Thought Screen Helmet

An important announcement from the Grassy Knoll Institute to all those afflicted with M.A.A. (Multiple Alien Abductions)

Yesterday afternoon, a group of M.A.A. members were targeted by aliens and quickly and easily abducted from their camp site. Only Eddy survived by following the thought screen helmet credo to always wear your helmet no matter how safe you feel.

Eddy watched in horror as the aliens unceremoniously levitated his fellow M.A.A. members to the mother ship perhaps never to be seen again. Only Eddy's velostat lined thought screen helmet prevented his abduction by shielding his thoughts and his location from the aliens.

Don't let this happen to you. Wearing a properly constructed thought screen helmet lined with velostat at all times is the only way to prevent the wearer from being the victim of an alien abduction.

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Alien Abductees Living In Giant Dollhouse

Giant Aliens Holding Human Couple Hostage

Case Solved: From the Boardman Police Cold Case files
The mysterious disappearance involving Marge and Henry Adams sheds new light.
Marge and Henry Adams were last seen March 15th, 1954 on the way to the local market. Several neighbors remember waving to them as they drove down the neighborhood street. Their car was found abandoned about 2 miles from their home in a vacant lot.

An intense search was conducted at their home in hopes of finding a lead or clue to their whereabouts. Police found no letter or ransom note. It appeared that no foul play befell them as the doors and windows were locked and the house was in good order.

Marge and Henry Adams were never found. After several weeks of running down leads and shaking bushes, the Boardman police department halted the investigation and declared the Adams missing and the case went cold.

Until...

One daring Grassy Knoll operative covertly stowed away onto a giant alien craft during one of its routine landings to leave map markers for the invading fleet to follow. (Most people believe these to be crop circles.) The Grassy knoll operative quickly downloaded important intel from the mass of archived files from the giant aliens database.

Upon reviewing the data, one particular abductees file came to light. It was the file on Marge and Henry Adams. They were taken back in 54 to study the habits of humans and to learn their weaknesses. The internal file reads that the aliens caged the Adams family in a horrific giant-sized doll house and observed them night and day. They were fed and offered clothing to keep them alive and warm. They were permitted to exercise outside their home in a fenced in area four hours every week. The only entertainment permitted was a radio that picked up broadcasts from the Earth.

The Adams lived 21 more years in captivity and interrogated daily about the American way of life but not once did they offer any valuable intel. Alas, the file states that the Adams were eliminated (Murdered) after a failed escape attempt.

Case closed.

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Thought Screen Helmet For Your Pets

Take Me To Your Litter

A Public Announcement To All Thought Screen Helmet Wearers:
Even though you wear your thought screen helmet religiously, it doesn't mean you are entirely safe from alien abduction and / or alien domination. As we all know, the evil aliens become quite angry when the telepathic link has been severed by wearing a properly constructed thought screen helmet lined with velostat. When they notice the interruption they immediately go to the source to investigate.

Upon inspection, the aliens will look for other means of control and your pets are the next logical step. Using their telepathic mind control, the aliens will infiltrate your pets thoughts. Once they have control over your cat or dog, while you are safely sleeping in your bed at night, they will command your pet to jump up on the bed and claw away at the helmet until it is removed. Once it's off and the wearer is now exposed to telepathic thought control, the aliens will pounce and assume control.

The Grassy Knoll Institution has the solution. Introducing Thought Screen Helmets for your pets.
Your move evil aliens. Your move.

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Thought Screen Helmet Listening Device

Thought Screen Helmet Listening Device

In an attempt to collect vital information on the evil race of space aliens controlling a small population of people through telepathy, the Grassy Knoll Institute scientists have engineered a device they call a reverse thought screen helmet. Unlike other thought screen helmets, this device intercepts the telepathic commands of the aliens, and with the help of velostat, a magical material with telepathic blocking properties, filters, processes, and records them. The data is then sent to the secret laboratory of the Grassy Knoll Institute to decipher the encrypted messages.

The latest message decoded: Lady Gaga is a man. Now the world knows where that rumor began. With the evil race of space aliens. More messages will be revealed as soon as they are deciphered.

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Black Friday Thought Screen Helmet

Black Friday Thought Screen Helmet

Black Friday is a good day for aliens to abduct you. Be prepared!
For being a bad man, and not following the instructions causing the construction of an improper thought screen helmet, Billy banished Ned to the cornfield for good.

Disclaimer: Don't let what happened to Ned happen to you. Your lifestyle and job does not have to suffer from the fear of alien abduction. You can learn how to construct your very own authentic thought screen helmet lined with velostat (A magical material that cancels telepathic emissions) that will effectively eliminate 100% of the telepathic transmissions from the aliens attempting to control your thoughts. Don't be wished out to the corn field. Act today!

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Original Thought Screen Helmet Wearers

Protection Against Telepathic Aliens - Not Rulers

The Grassy Knoll Institute has long suspected that Catholic nuns were the original target of the evil race of aliens stealing and controlling our very thoughts. The aliens plan was to control the nuns that teach and shape the children of the world and make the nuns cruel and abusive to the children.

However, due to a unique Catholic nun habit design, (The ergonomic curve of the habit bounces back the telepathic waves) the evil aliens telepathic rays become erratic and interrupted leaving the nuns non-influenced in any way by the aliens.

If this is true, then what excuse do the Nuns have now!!

Disclaimer: It is not a known fact if Catholic nuns habits are lined with velostat material or not.

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A Horse Is A Horse Of Course Of Course

Even Mister Ed Knows An Improperly Constructed Thought Screen Helmet When He Sees One. Of Course!

The Grassy Knoll Institute is disappointed that people susceptible to alien abduction are not taking our advice by constructing a proper Thought Screen Helmet layered with velostat covering your entire dome. Without the velostat, the magical material that blocks the aliens telepathic signals to your brain preventing you from being in their control. You may as well be beating a dead horse.

Oh Wilbur....

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St. Patricks Day Alien Abduction

Don't Get Abducted On St. Patricks Day

Notice To All Irish People Being Harassed Or Abducted By Evil Aliens:

St. Patrick's Day is fast approaching, and many of you will be donning the green and partying with your friends at your favorite pubs and bars. Keep in mind, thought screen helmet aliens never rest. They never give up. They are relentless in the pursuit of invading your thoughts and controlling your very being.

Before you leave your house for the St. Patrick's Day festivities, make sure you have a correctly constructed thought screen helmet securely fastened on your dome. Note: Make sure you construct your helmet before partaking in the consumption of the green ale lest you become a victim like Sean O'Reiley pictured on the left. Sean failed to properly line his helmet with velostat, the magical material that filters out telepathic transmissions from the evil aliens.

Sadly, Sean was abducted just seconds after this photograph was taken of him at last year's party. Heed the warning from the Grassy Knoll Institute and have a safe and happy St. Patrick's Day.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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Thought Screen Helmet Companion

Pam Andersons Obama Inaugural Ball Date

Thought Screen Helmet Companions. Just in time for president elect Barack Obama's inauguration.

Don't let evil aliens that are controlling your thoughts put a damper on your inauguration plans. The rocket scientists at the secret Grassy Knoll Institute laboratory have created the thought screen helmet companion so you can attend the inauguration in style.

Pamela Anderson, iconic sex goddess swears by her thought screen helmet buddy. It allows her to go helmet free and attend Hollywood events and the Barack Obama inauguration and all the balls afterward. (And of course, no animals were harmed in the production of the thought screen helmet companion.)

But how does it work?
Good question. The thought screen helmet companion is stuffed with advanced technology to eliminate alien abduction. The companion works so well that not a single person using the companion has been abducted. 100% effective. Now that is a testimonial.

The companion is a full bodied mannequin lined with velostat, a magical material that blocks alien telepathic signals to the potential abductee. The companion senses the telepathic signal and intercepts and filters them before they reach its target. The companion comes in two styles, male or female and can be accessorized for any event. Mission accomplished.

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Improper Thought Screen Helmet Design

Improper Thought Screen 

Sadly, Lars didn't quite understand the translated instructions for the construction of his thought screen helmet. Clearly, there was no velostat cloth used and the helmet did not cover his ears.

This is the last photo of Lars just before being abducted by an evil race of telepathic aliens bent on world domination. (Heard in the distant background was a hushed alien voice chanting, I want my baby back baby back baby back)

Let this be a lesson learned to everyone being harassed by aliens controlling their thoughts. If you are going to make a thought screen helmet, follow the instructions to the letter.

For those not handy sewing and cutting, the Grassy Knoll Institute has constructed their very own Thought Screen Helmet guaranteed to eliminate telepathic connections from 4 out of 5 evil races of aliens.

Click the above link for the features of the Grassy Knoll Institute thought screen Helmet.

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Thought Screen Helmet Sale

Designer Thought Screen Helmets

In an effort to prevent citizens of Earth constructing faulty thought screen helmets to avoid alien abduction, the Grassy Knoll Institute has produced a new and improved helmet.

Our rocket scientists have been working round the clock designing the LOTGK version. Notice the sleek ergonomic design. Wind drag has been cut by 85% compared to older models enabling wearers to move more easily and smoothly throughout the day.

Another upgraded feature is the air cooled compartments in the dome of the helmet allowing the wearer to keep cool throughout the entire day. Those in hot and humid climates can thank the Grassy Knoll Institute later.

To order a Grassy Knoll Institute thought screen helmet, please send an email to us. For verification purposes, press on your keyboard the exact value of 22 divided by 7.

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England Knows About Thought Screen Helmets

The British Crown has long known about the evil race of aliens attempting to control citizens minds through telepathy.
For over 100 years, Buckingham Palace guards, who guard the Queen and the royal family, secretly wear thought screen helmets under their dress hats to eliminate the threat of alien invasion through mind control.

Sadly, due to Prince Charles unusually large ears, a thought screen helmet has not been constructed yet to fit his large dome.

That explains Camilla.

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Jack Black And The Thought Screen Helmet

Evidently actor Jack Black is being controlled by an evil race of aliens.

Grassy Knoll Institute scientists believe that Mr. Black, even though he wears his thought screen helmet, has constructed a flawed helmet allowing aliens to access Mr. Black's mind forcing him to make bad career choices.

This goes a long way in explaining the movie choices of
Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny and Nacho Libre.

Make sure you go his new movie, Kung Fu Panda, in theater's now.

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Are We Not Men?

Whipped Em Good

Photographic evidence that aliens controled humankind in the 1980's. The new wave rock band Devo knew of the thought control and attempted to sever the telepathic link to the alien race by donning self made thought screen helmets made from flower pots. Devo had assumed (And we all know what happens when you assume) the lead based paint and pottery would somehow block out the telepathic rays from the aliens freeing them to write and perform their own music.

If only they were aware of velostat, the magical material needed to effectively eliminate aliens from controlling your thoughts.

As we learn from history, Devo's experiment failed. Alas, they were only men.

Duty now for the future.

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I Am Free From Thought Screen Helmet Aliens

A Small Price To Pay

Although this particular model of thought screen helmet has several drawbacks, (The inability to see oncoming traffic, difficulty entering doorways, and a target for ridicule) it is highly effective at keeping the evil race of aliens attempting to control mankind through telepathy at bay.

Although, perhaps this is the plan of the evil race of aliens. To make us all wear funny hats, get run over by cars, stuck in doorways, and get laughed at causing fights and riots.

Ingenious.

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When You Stop Wearing Thought Screen Helmets

Do Not Remove Your Thought Screen Helmet

You should know by now wearing a thought screen helmet lined with velostat prevents an evil alien race from telepathically controlling your mind. However, if you are feeling safe and are considering removing your helmet, look what happens when you do remove your thought screen helmet? Jesse, Wylene, and Ernie found out the hard way.

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Thought Screen Helmet Test Pattern

Evil Telepathic Aliens Control Your Mind

PLEASE STAND BY
An important alien transmission from outer space follows.This is a message from the outer nebula where the thought screen helmet aliens reside.

We are not the monsters some portray us to be. We do not wish to control and enslave humanity into a life of servitude. We did not leave you a "Cook book," nor do we have an eight foot tall metallic robot that shoots lasers from its visor. We are only concerned with your well being the direction the human race is headed.

We contacted you through the use of the Grassy Knoll Institute web site to inform and educate the population that a small sect of humans are attempting to control the world under the guise of the "Thought Screen Helmet." This sect declares that we, an alien race, are stealing humans thoughts to control the brain and force these people into mindless automatons. That statement cannot be further from the truth.

These so called Helmeteers are slowly gathering followers by brain washing them with the thought screen helmet, the very weapon said to protect them from alien abduction. Once the helmet has been worn for 72 hours and beyond, the wearer loses self control and becomes pliable to the evil helmeteers. At that point, they can manipulate the unsuspecting helmet wearers to do their bidding.

We ask that you embrace us as a loving benevolent race of beings that only want what's good for humanity. We have come in peace. It is up to you, readers of the Grassy Knoll institute, whether we leave in peace.

END TRANSMISSION

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Put A Helmet On That Soldier

It has come to the attention of the Grassy Knoll Institute that the race of giant aliens currently roaming the earth planning on world domination has another enemy. After analyzing the above picture, scientists at the Institute concluded that the apparatus the alien is wearing on his head is in fact a Thought Screen Helmet.

As we all know by now, the thought screen helmet prevents telepathic communication and control between you and the alien race. The helmet emits a low frequency electromagnetic signal that scrambles the telepathic ability of the aliens thus breaking control of the aliens. It would appear that two separate races of aliens are warring against each other and the earth is the battlefield.

Speculation has it that perhaps we should forge an alliance with one of the alien races. An enemy of my enemy, is my enemy, or friend, or their enemy, or our friend and enemy. I don't know how that goes, but it sounds like a prudent idea.

Put a helmet on that soldier! It's going into battle. It's going to see some action dammit...!

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