Showing posts with label ohio. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ohio. Show all posts

11/13/2007

A Gaggle Of Nuns

Nuns With Guns
Some loyal readers have emailed me asking if the Grassy Knoll Institute had any pictures of the nuns from my grade school. To appease you all, I went rummaging through the Grassy Knoll basement vault and stumbled upon this great photo of my Class of 1965 second grade teachers.
As the photo clearly shows, these nuns were loaded for bear and ready to teach each days lesson with an iron fist. No one dared speak out of turn lest they wanted to feel the sting of cold steel. Not from the guns, (The guns were mere intimidation props) but from the edges of the three foot yard sticks they carried. These nuns were deadly accurate when wielding their weapon of choice.

The nuns were Sisters Hannibal, Jesse, Wylene, Shiloh, and Cheyanne. Their motto was "We're always on target when it comes to learning".
I knew these nuns had to be stopped. And I was just the lad to do it. As you read future stories of the battles with the Catholic nuns, you will now have an inner perception of what I was up against in the early 1960's.

The battle was just beginning, and it was time to learn how to play the Flute-O-Fone, that quirky white plastic horn instrument that all us Catholic kids had to endure. I had decided to make a stand on this issue. No way were these nuns going to force me to play an instrument that I didn't want to.

But that is another story, another legend.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/07/2007

A Question About Noah

In our last episode, the Pastor had made a courtesy call home to my parents to give them an updated progress report on my day's behavior. I would have to be patient before provoking the nuns once again.

A week had passed and the days of waiting had now ended. It was time to attack the nuns once again. I was going to follow Wild Kingdoms Marlin Perkins hunting credo that once you get the animals on the run, never let them slow down to give the animals any time to rest. I set my task to the test.

As the students filed in one by one that particular day, the nun in charge gave me a glancing look as if she knew something was about to happen, much like the antelope before an earthquake knowing that something terrible was about to happen.

The nuns must have begun to suspect that they were in a match to the death with me. It would be a duel of wits. Of course the nuns came to fight unarmed. I was now sure that all their so-called faculty meetings were merely a ruse to disguise their plans to keep order in their classroom and to keep me off balance. I would have to figure out a way to bug the office to learn of their plans in advance. I needed that edge. After all, I was only in second grade.

The nuns were getting smarter but I had my ace in the hole and its name was Noah.

Our religion lesson began with the nuns telling us of a horrific flood that was coming to destroy the entire earth and all the people and animals. This particular day, the nuns treaded cautiously in choosing their words to describe that day's lesson. When the lesson had finished, it was now time for question and answer time.

MY favorite time. I decided to start off slowly this time with the nuns so as not to elicit suspicion quickly. I would ask legitimate questions first and then build to the climatic question that would send me to the principles office. In fact, I would let other students begin the interrogation. The perfect plan was in motion. Timmy and Tommy and Betty asked some brown noser questions to get them some brownie nun points much to the nuns delight. I almost saw one nun crack a smile, but I was wrong. These nuns were well trained.

At this moment I began my assault. I asked what the animals ate on the ark during the 40 days and nights. Another volley.

Then I asked that since lions and tigers only ate meat, what did Noah feed them.

I brought up snakes and how they had to eat their prey alive. I asked if Noah had to sacrifice several species of small mammals to keep the snakes from dying of starvation.

What about the birds? Were they kept in cages or did Noah let them fly free?

The stage had been set. The nuns were becoming agitated. The answers coming a little more quickly with less thought processes. They were getting a little sloppy.

It was time...

I raised my hand one last time, 5 minutes before class was to end. The nuns thought they had escaped. They were wrong. As fate would have it, sister Sharlett announced only one more question would be answered today due to time constraints. My hand was the only hand raised. Poised. Ready. Confident.

I began slowly, asking the nun if she remembered a previous lesson on Adam and Eve. She nodded in a positive way giving me the leverage I needed to continue.

I quickly asked that if only Noah, his wife, his three sons and their wives were the only humans to survive, then how did they re-populate the world? Yes, the hammer had dropped. The death knell had been rung. Sister Sharlett looked on stunned, waiting for the question to fully sink in.

As if she were in a cartoon, it seemed like a light bulb turned on over her head and a scowl covered her face. She had taken the bait, hook, line, and sinker and I was reeling her in. She was about to inform the class the real reason why we are all considered brothers and sisters. It was because Noah's sons and daughters paired up with each other and were fruitful and multiplied. Again, the entire story of Noah was based on incest.

As usual, the nuns in the room became furious. Very loud cackling could be heard as they quickly huddled together much like a football huddle. Seconds later, I was being dragged by my heels out of the office, down the hall to the Pastors office. Yes, this time the principles office was bypassed. I must have been very special.

I began to think that the nuns had changed their pattern to confuse me, frighten me, to get the upper hand. Being a veteran of the wrath of the nuns, I was not worried for I knew the ultimate outcome would be a trip to the Pastors office. Bypassing the principles office was merely an added bonus.

As luck would have it, the Pastor was in a meeting and very busy at the time but he did take a moment to attend to this matter. Whispering by nuns, the positive nods by the pastor, and a few hand gestures and the huddle once again broke. They were ready to run their play. I was in blitz mode.

The pastor said that I was disrupting religion class and that Jesus wouldn't like what I was doing. I was also informed that this was going on my permanent record and that this incident would be with me for the rest of my life.

The next moment was way out of character for the nuns. No yelling, no threat of expulsion, no talk of detention. Just the permanent record thing. I could live with that. Hell, I didn't know what my permanent record was anyhow so no big deal.

Then, another twist. Instead of being escorted back to the classroom, I came face to face with my mother in the school hall. She did not look pleased to see me. Without saying a word my mother communicated with the nuns with some sort of secret hand signals and I was in the car and on my way home for the day. Being that it was only second period, I felt pretty lucky thinking I would have the rest of the day to play. Boy was I ever wrong with that impression.

Several days later, I asked my big brother Jack what my permanent record was and why was it so important. He began to explain that... Well, that's another story.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/06/2007

Credit Card Gift Card

A Grassy Knoll Institute Holiday Shopping Tip

Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday to remember the Pilgrims sitting down with the Indians for a meal. It is now the kickoff day for the holiday shopping season feeding frenzy. Shoppers will flock in droves to the stores for those early bargains, deep discounted items, and door buster one-day only specials. But buyers beware. There is a new gift out there this year. The CREDIT CARD Gift Card. Yes, this gift just recently surfaced the past several years but is deemed to be one the most popular gifts given this holiday season. And the retailers love it.

Lets say you decide to get a $100.00 gift card for the family member on your list that is tough to buy for. After Christmas, said family member happily embarks to the local mall to buy, say, a pair of shoes. He pays $85.40 including tax. He then buys a pack of sports socks, his favorite team for $13.49 including tax. He has spent $98.89 and is happy that he got what he wanted. And, the credit card company is happy for said family member now has $1.11 left on his account and it is very difficult to purchase anything at the mall for that amount.

The credit card company will keep that balance available for approximately 6 months and then clear the account reaping in that $1.11 as profit. Multiply this amount by several million cards and it turns out to be a pretty sweet business venture.

I found this out last winter while shopping. My son had one of those gift cards good at any store in the Southern park Mall in Youngstown, Ohio. He used a good portion of it up and wanted to buy a calendar with the remaining balance. The clerk was unable to see the balance on the card and tried to complete the transaction. The computer beeped back that there wasn't enough on the card. My son tried a lower number and would pay the difference in cash.

He had to try 5 times before the computer would accept the amount entered. And still, my son didn't know how much was left on the card. Now wait a minute for everyone that is going to tell me that there is a website you can visit and enter the card number to see the balance, but when you are already at the mall, its a tough call.

So, what have we learned at the Grassy Knoll Institute today? When giving a monetary gift for Christmas, make it cash, not the gift credit card.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Popeyes Fried Chicken


Popeyes Fried Chicken

Stopping on a whim at Popeye's Chicken, the money behind the Grassy Knoll Institute AKA my loving wife Patty, we ordered the 8 piece meal which included mashed potato's with gravy and rolls.

The service wasn't to bad, the waitress was a little ditzy but able enough. We had about a five minute wait for our order.

The chicken was hot and crunchy, and that's all the good I can say about it. The taste was pretty bad. It looked good, but was far from it. It was very greasy, almost soaking with oil, and the batter breading was bland, and the chicken was bruised. it was barely edible.

The mashed potato's were horrible. There was some sort of Cajun mustard gravy on them, (No, you could not order the potato's without gravy which signaled that they were pre-made and frozen and thawed out in the microwave for us customers) And they were processed potato's, and tasted chalky, even with the ultra spicy gravy.

The rolls were not much better. They were stale, and crunchy, which I don't think rolls are supposed to be. They were so stale that they actually crumbled in my hand while trying to eat it.

The cost was $18.00 which was pretty steep considering the food was poorly prepared and tasted terrible.

The Grassy Knoll Institute rates Popeye's Chicken one half shot out of 5 and does not recommend this establishment for dinner.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/03/2007

Circuit City 24 Minute Pledge

If I had a rocket luancher,
If I had a rocket launcher,
Some son-of-a-bitch would die.


Its time to lock and load.
Deck the halls and ho ho ho and mistletoe and all that.
Well, during the Christmas season I was compelled to go shopping for my wife and son. I decided to begin by logging onto Circuit City for some DVD's, Cd's, and X-Box games. I see the big ad splashed across the website,....


(Details: 24 Minute Pickup Guarantee applies from time stamp on order confirmation email until the time order is ready for customer pickup. Guarantee excludes customer wait time in store lines. Offer valid on orders placed at circuitcity.com or by phone during pickup store's normal operating hours up to 30 minutes prior to closing. Guarantee not valid the day after Thanksgiving, 12/26 or 12/27. $25 minimum purchase. One $24 gift card offered per qualifying in-store pickup ticket, which must be claimed at time of pickup and is good for future purchases.)

So hell, yea, I'll shop online and pick it all up in a half hour. This would be great. I had about 20 items I needed. First item up for bid, a DVD movie that I cannot reveal for my wife and son read this blog constantly. And guess what, it wasn't available for customer pickup at the store. I went to the next selection, and the next, and the first four were not available for pickup. I had to have them shipped and have to pay a shipping charge. Only several of the 20 items needed were available to be picked up at the store.

So, damn man, off to Circuit City for some cold shopping. I arrive and happily the store is not very crowded as I easily find a parking spot. Into the store I go with my list of items. I head straight for the DVD section. A young girl, a Circuit City sales clerk asks if I needed any help. I asked if she really meant it for I had a list. (Not a lisp, a list) She said she would be happy to help.

So, I said I need so and so DVD. Off she ran to get it. From several rows over she called out, "Found it, whats next?" I yelled out the next title. This went on for about 15 titles. Then we moved on to several other items that I cannot divulge and she found them quickly. I thanked her profusely and she smiled and said I was welcome and i proceeded to the checkout.

What luck, no one in line. The cashier scanned my items, took the theft stuff off, and bagged my items. My credit card completed the transaction. I then asked why none of these items were available through the website promotion with the ready in 24 minute offer? She said they all were. Since there was no one else in line, I asked if she could look on the Internet and show me. She said they weren't connected to the Internet and couldn't look. I said the computer department had to have at least one computer hooked up to the Internet. I could see that she was ready to become hostile so being in the Christmas spirit, I said thank you and left.

Well, get the Fucking Rocket Launcher out, its damn false advertising on Circuit Cities side. What pissed me off was when I got home, the first thing on the TV is that freakin ad hyping the 24 minute shopping promotion.

The Grassy Knoll Institute politely says bunk......its a lie, a scam, a way to make you pay shipping charges.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/02/2007

Summitville Turkey Dinner


There's a little old church in the small town of Summitville, Ohio that every October hold a fund raising turkey dinner. The Grassy Knoll Institute usually makes it to this event. The dinner is held in the church basement and after you bought the dinner ticket (Which was $7.00) you could spend your time playing dollar bingo with the townsfolk. Or take a stroll around the grounds.

As you can see from the photo above, there was plenty of juicy oven baked turkey, home made stuffing, whipped mashed potatoes with home style gravy, fresh corn, fresh warm rolls with butter, and a home made piece of pumpkin pie. There was no limit to how many servings you could have. I had three go arounds with the turkey plate and a double dip with the stuffing and potatoes. Right to the score. Grassy Knoll Institute ranks Summitville 5 out of 5 shots.

PS: The pumpkin pie was still warm and was a very generous portion. There was a selection of cherry, apple, pumpkin, and several other desserts to choose from, but being that it was October, the pumpkin seemed the logical choice.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL


10/26/2007

Geneva Times Square French Fries


Cheeseburger And Fries In Paradise.

One of my favorite summer time relaxation spots is Geneva On The Lake, Ohio. Geneva is a little town time has forgotten from the 1950's, when roll up cuffs on jeans and hot rods was the craze.

One place we always stopped at while there is Time Square Restaurant, a quaint little outside restaurant that is famous for its huge order of french fries.

The first time we ordered lunch, I went to the counter, ordered two cheeseburgers, a chili dog, three cokes, and three orders of french fries. The waitress kindly told me that I only wanted one order of fries. I told her, "No, I want three orders, there are three of us." She just looked at me in disbelief, smiled, and told me matter-of-factly that I would only be getting one order. I thought she was messing with me. She said to trust her. I did.

I grabbed my rock, which had a number painted on it, which was my order number, and took a seat on the round picnic table. (I did tell you that this place was right out of the 1950's)

The waitress called my rock number and I went to the counter to claim my prize. The picture above is what we received. Now I know why the waitress only gave me one order of fries. The fries were almost 8 inches tall and filled the entire cafeteria tray.

To the critique. The cheeseburgers were excellent, and were quarter pound in size. The buns were fresh, cheese melted, and tasted great. The fries were well cooked, almost crunchy, and as you can see, it was a large order. No, we did not finish the fries. There were to many of them.

The service was excellent, the waitress friendly, and the food fantastic. The price was under 18 bucks which was remarkable considering the ample amount of food received. The Grassy Knoll Institute rates Times Square Geneva On The Lake 5 shots out of 5 and recommends them for lunch and dinner.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL