Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts


Merry Christmas From Thunder Cat Newman

Thunder Cat Newman Trimming The Tree
Thunder Cat Newman Trimming The Tree
We have two cats. One of them is named Storm. He is a big 27 pound, yes I said 27 pound cat. Storm keeps to himself unless the food dish is empty and God help us all when that happens. (Psst! He's a 27 pound cat, he can afford to go several hours without a meal if you know what I mean) Just last night apparently I had the audacity to leave the food dish empty before I went to bed. Around 4am Storm barged into our bedroom making the door hit the wall stop and jumped violently onto our bed.

Now I was awake, but I settled back down to sleep. Storm had other plans. After several large gutteral meows that sounded like the cat was meowing in tongues I rolled over to see what the Hell was the matter. There was Storm Cat starring me down. I asked him what was the matter like he was going to answer me but my only response was several more meows backed by sort of growling. I rolled over and ignored him. Storm Cat jumped down and left the room.

About ten minutes later Storm once again jumped on our bed. However, this time, no meows, but he moved to another tactic. Storm walked to the top of the bed and crawled over my pillow making sure that his paws made contact with my head. I always thought cats were nimble little minx's but not Storm. Storm made several passes over my head until I jumped up and once again asked the bloody cat what he wanted. No response. No surprise. He jumped down and left the room. Since I was up I decided to follow him and see just what the cat does in the middle of the night. He led me right to his food dish. It was empty. The freakin cat wanted to eat at 4am in the morning. I filled his bowl and went back to bed.

We also have another cat, a 4.5 pound female named Thunder Cat Newman. (Thunder Cat is pictured above tangled up in Christmas tree tinsel.) Thunder Cat loves to help trim the Christmas tree and never, ever, jumps on our bed and wakes us up with wild meows and head crawling. Never! Ever!

Guess who my favorite cat is?

Merry Christmas from the Grassy Knoll Institute.



Stopping By Woods

Christmas Tree Farm
Christmas Tree Farm
Today is the 5th anniversary of the passing of my Father. I am looking over at the fireplace with our Christmas stockings hanging waiting for Santa Claus to arrive. Removing my glasses to enhance the twinkling lights on the tree. Our 4.5 pound pet Thunder Cat Newman is curled up sleeping on her blanket surely dreaming of hunting big game in the wilds in our back yard. And myself, I find myself thinking about Christmas pasts with my Father.

In the 1960's, artificial tree's were a novelty, not many families had them, and certainly not ours. Oh no, we had the real McCoy. Every year in mid December, Dad would embark on a sojourn to find the perfect tree for our family. I loved going with him. We usually drove out to the Christmas tree farm way past Western Reserve Road. To a six year old, Western Reserve Road was a far drive. As we turned left on Route 626 the scenery changed to farm land. Twenty minutes or so later we arrived at the tree farm.

Dad and I would survey the rows of tree's on the farm and select the perfect one for us. Dad would always ask me which one we should take. I always picked the tree Dad wanted as he would inject subtle hints along our search to steer me to the right tree. (This one has no bare spots, the branches were solid, the needles weren't brittle, the size was right, etc) Dad would pay for the tree and we would tie the tree on the roof of our car and return home.

Most of our tree's were ceiling height, (8 Feet) and roughly six feet wide. The tree would dominate our living room for the two weeks with the fresh scent of pine wafting through the house. We couldn't wait to help Mom and Dad decorate it but before the decorations were brought up from the basement, Dad made sure he secured the tree so it would not fall.

The standard ritual was to cut the bottom of the trunk to make it level to sit in the tree stand upright. Second, Dad would tie several wires to the center of the tree and then attach the wires to small anchors on the floor boards on the two walls the tree sat against. With 7 children, the tree had been on the ground several times throughout the years. The extra anchorage insured the tree would stay upright.

The heirachy of tree decorating began with dad. He would untangle the string lights by laying them in rows on the living room carpet. Again, with 7 children running around, it was a lucky day when bulbs were not stepped on breaking them. I was the string tester. I would plug a string into the wall outlet and if they worked, I would drag them over to the good side of the room. If a string would not light, I would check each bulb to make sure they were all screwed in tightly. Most of the time that was the cause of the faulty string. Once the testing was complete, Dad would begin to string them on to the tree.

Starting from the top, Dad would wind the lights around the tree dropping down a few inches working his way down. I would have the next string in hand ready to hand them to Dad as he walked on carefully placed kitchen chairs around the tree. As he worked his way down, I would yank the chairs away and keep feeding him the light strings until the last light was placed. Dad would walk to the far corner of the room and stare at the tree to make sure his handiwork was true.

The second phase of the trimming of the tre was the tinsel. I placed the kitchen chairs back in place in front of the tree and Dad begun to rope the tinsel around the tree as he had done with the lights. In less than ten minutes, the tinsel was on and it was time for the bulbs.

Mom took over with the bulbs. Each child had their own bulb with their name emblazoned on it. Mine was a silver bulb with red lettering spelling out Patrick. Each child placed their own bulb on the tree. I remember once I dropped my bulb and it shattered into a hundred pieces. I was devastated. Seeing this, Dad quickly grabbed a large silver bulb from the box, took out a black magic marker and wrote my name on the bulb. He said it was my new bulb and Mom would add the glitter to it later. He told me to pick a place on the tree to hang it.

The last thing to complete the tree trimming were the icicles to hang on the branches. My sisters would gently place piece by piece the icicles carefully. My method was to throw a handful at close range at the tree and watch them float in the air and settle on the branches.

The tree was now completely trimmed and immediately we began another tradition. We would all take our shoes off and rub our feet on the carpet and approach the tree and slowly stick our finger out towards the icicles. Once your hand connected with the icicle, you would get a static shock and even hear a loud "ZAP" in the air. The more you rubbed your feet on the carpet, the stronger the shock you would get. Each of us took a turn and then we would see who could get the loudest spark.

One final game was a classic game. It was called I'm thinking of a bulb. One of the brothers and sisters would describe a bulb on the tree offering clues as to which one it was. The other kids would guess which one it was.

Those were the days my friends. The entire family huddled in the living room, seated on the couches, all the lights out except the Christmas tree lights, interacting as a family.

Merry Christmas Dad,
Rest In Peace.

And miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep.



Santa Claus Reindeer Exact Revenge

Santa Claus Christmas Eve Flight Path
Santa Is In For A Big Surprise
As the Christmas holiday quickly approaches, a classic story comes to mind.
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house...
No, no, no, not that story.

Twas Christmas Eve and Santa Claus was in the middle of making his rounds delivering toys to all the boys and girls in the world. With security systems armed in many of the residences Santa began running behind schedule.

Santa began to push his team of eight reindeer and implored them to fly faster and faster. After about 3.5 million homes later, the Reindeer were getting exhausted but Santa paid no attention. He pressed the Reindeer shouting their names, "On Dancer, on Prancer, on Comet and Cupid."

The Reindeer curved on the horizon to pick up speed and listened for Santa to shout out the next house to land atop of. The Reindeer gently glided to a halt on top of the next house. Santa Claus quickly jumped out of the sled, picked up his sack of toys and shimmied down the chimney.

As soon as Santa hit the floor, he noticed the smell, and loudly screamed up to the Reindeer, "No you dummies, I said the Schmidt house. The Schmidt house!"

The Reindeer had exacted revenge.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.



Christmas On The Grass Knoll

No No You Dummies - I Said The "Schmidt" House! The Schmidt House
The grassy Knoll Institute wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Below are my Christmas related posts from all the Grassy Knoll Institute categories with plenty of photo’s and humor.

Christmas Archives Below:
Thunder Cat Newman Trimming The Tree
Santa Claus Reindeer Exact Revenge
A New And Improved Leg Lamp
Santa Claus Is A Mormon
Merry Christmas From The Bad Guy
The Ursuline High School Band (Circa 1942)
General Patton’s Prayer For Good Weather
A Parrot For A Gift
Award Winning Christmas Lights
The True Meaning Of Christmas
Bumpuses Sons A Bitches
A Christmas Story Movie Quotes
Most Popular Christmas Decoration In Minnesota
Happy New Year 2010
Lost Update: Island Of Misfit Toys
On the 11th Day Of Christmas
A Ticket To Ride (Christmas Humor)
On The 10th Day Of Christmas
On the 7th Day Of Christmas
On The 5th Day Of Christmas
On the First Day Of Christmas
Black Friday Thought Screen Helmet
Happy Thanksgiving
Christmas In July
Electric Socks And Christmas Trees
A Line In The Sand
Triple Dog Dare Video
Triple Dog Dared Stripper Pole
Top 10 Christmas Programs
Merry Christmas From The Grassy Knoll Institute
Santa Claus Conspiracy
The Mad Ice Scrapper
I Won A Major Award
Santa Clone Conspiracy
You Know Its Christmas Time When
Happy Thanksgiving Tradition
I’m Glad I Picked You
Hide The Sausage
Return To The Mall
Riding The Christmas Tree
Credit Card Gift Card
Circuit City 24 Minute Pledge
1960′s Christmas Memories


A Major Award The Old Man Can Really Use

More Than A Whiff Of  Ozone
Finally, a gift Ralphie boys old man could appreciate and use year round.
It’s a new and improved (And anatomically correct) leg lamp. Now that’s electric sex in the window.


Responses to “A Major Award The Old Man Can Use All Year”

  1. Gumby said

    Merry Christmas Pat and happy new year my friend. Waiting for your 2013 predictions. I predict there will be one about Lindsay Lohan. Am I right?

  2. Max Jackl said

    Here’s what I want to know, does the new “Lamp” vibrate? lol


Santa Claus Must Be A Mormon

Merry Christmas From The Grassy Knoll
I guess we finally know why Santa is so jolly and only works one night a year. Ho Ho Ho and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Grassy Knoll Institute.


 Responses to “Santa Claus Must Be A Mormon”

  1. Anonymous said

    Lotgk: The Santa Claus being mormon thats not funny because I am Mormon

  2. Gumby said

    Looks like he gets busy every night of the year.

  3. Anti-Christ said

    Santa is not a mormon. Simply move the letters of his name around a tad.


Merry Christmas From The Bad Guy

Merry Christmas From The Bad Guy
All I have in this world are my balls and this snowman. And I don’t break them for no one.
Merry Christmas From The Bad Guy…

 Responses to “Merry Christmas From The Bad Guy”

  1. 00dozo said

    Well, I would hope that your balls and snowman are made with the real thing(s) … (and I ain’t talking coke).
    Happy Holidays, LOTGK!!

  2. Moominboy said

    And Merry Christmas to you too! :D

  3. Gumby said

    Say hello to my little snowman.
    Happy Christmas grassy dude.


Ursuline High School Marching Band

Every Christmas our family gets together for the holiday and after dinner old family stories are retold again and again. Most of the family would gather in the family room and recount those funny stories from our past. One of my favorite stories is about the poem my Dad wrote about his high school he attended. (Ursuline High School, Youngstown Ohio)

The year was 1942, and his teacher, (Of course was a Catholic Nun) handed out an English assignment. Each student was to write a poem about something uplifting about Ursuline High School. My Dad was called by the nun to read his poem aloud in front of the class. Dad cleared his throat and read aloud...

The Majorettes came on the field,

The first in Ursuline's history.
Followed by the marching band,
But what they're playing is a mystery.

All the students in class burst out in laughter. However, the Ursuline Nun was not amused. She immediately sent my Dad down to the office. He took his seat and awaited his punishment.

Father Gallagher, (Yes, an Irish priest) walked into the office and sat at his chair and asked my Dad why he was sent to the office. My Dad told him the Nun did not like his poem. Father Gallagher asked my Dad to recite the poem. My Dad did.

Father Gallagher seemed to almost smirk and told my Dad to get the Hell out of the office and back to class.
Like father, like son.



General Pattons Prayer For Good Weather

On the anniversary of my Father’s passing, (Three years ago today)I found myself thinking about the movie Patton. For those who have not seen it or know who General Patton was, he was one of the greatest army generals in the history of the United States. My Father was a Corporal in General George Patton’s Third Army during the war.
The movie followed Patton in the European theater during World War II as the alliance battled the German army. Many quotes and actions of Patton were portrayed in the movie but all of them were not entirely accurate. Take for instance the scene in which Patton,(Played by actor George C. Scott) asked the army Chaplin to write a prayer for weather so his army could get on with the war and kill the Germans.
The movie scene went something like this:
Patton: Chaplin, I’m sick and tired of the 3rd army having to fight the Germans in this ungodly weather. I want a prayer, a weather prayer.
Chaplin: Weather prayer sir?
Patton: Yes, let’s see if we can’t get God working with us.
Chaplin: It would take a pretty thick rug for that kind of prayer General.
Patton: I don’t care if it takes a flying carpet.
Chaplin: I don’t know how this is going to be received General, praying for good weather so we can kill our fellow man.
Patton: I can assure you, because of my intimate relationship with God Almighty, that if you write a good prayer, we’ll have good weather. I expect that prayer in an hour.
Chaplin: Yes sir…. As Patton leaves the army tent.
Scene Change: Patton standing outside the tent in the snow as men load equipment and drive army vehicles preparing for battle, Patton stops and takes out the prayer the Chaplin wrote. With the snow swirling, he reads the prayer. The next day, the sky is clear and the 3rd army advances further against the German army enjoying superior air support.
But, as entertaining as that scene was, it was not very accurate. Yes, Patton did request a weather prayer from the Chaplin, and yes, it was intended to have good weather so the army could push forward against the German army, but the prayer came about a little bit differently.
On Dec. 8, 1944, General George Patton made a phone call from his office to the Chaplain James H. O’Neill, the 3rd army Chaplin. Patton asked him if he knew of any good prayers for weather. Patton stated that if we are to win this war, we must have fair weather.
Chaplin O’Neill wrote the following prayer:
“Almighty and most merciful Father, we humbly beseech Thee, of Thy great goodness, to restrain these immoderate rains with which we have had to contend. Grant us fair weather for Battle. Graciously hearken to us as soldiers who call upon Thee that, armed with Thy power, we may advance from victory to victory and crush the oppression and wickedness of our enemies, and establish Thy justice among men and nations. Amen.”
But there is more to the story. Researching the Patton prayer online, I found Chaplin O’Neills website and his first person recounting of the actual events that took place.
Chaplin O’Neill typed the prayer onto an index card, and on the front side he typed a Christmas greeting from General Patton to his men in the third army. O’Neill showed Patton both the prayer and the Christmas greeting and Patton was impressed with both. Patton ordered O’Neill to have 250,000 copies of the prayer and greeting printed and distributed to every man in the 3rd Army. Patton himself signed the index card.
The Christmas Greeting was as follows:
To each officer and soldier in the Third United States Army, I Wish a Merry Christmas. I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty, and skill in battle. We march in our might to complete victory. May God’s blessings rest upon each of you on this Christmas Day. G.S. Patton, Jr, Lieutenant General, Commanding, Third United States Army.
I have that postcard letter that my father received.
Rest in peace Father. I know the weather is perfect for golf where you are at.
For the complete version of the Patton Prayer, please visit Chaplin O’Neill’s Webpage. You will find it quite entertaining and informational.


Responses to “General Patton’s Prayer For Weather At Christmas”

  1. Gumby said

    It was said that the moive was close to actual truth, so it seems that the movie took several liberties with the truth.

    • LOTGK said

      I would imagine that almost all movies take certain liberties. Take for instance, Avatar. The aliens were no larger than 7 feet tall in reality, but the movie portrayed them as at least 8 feet tall.

  2. Helen Patton said

    I am touched you wrote of this! HelenPatton (grand daughter of GSP , jr.)


A Parrot For A Christmas Gift

A young man named John received a parrot as a Christmas gift. However the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and behavior. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Responses to “A Parrot For A Christmas Gift”

  1. Gumby said

    I hear they taste just like chicken. :)


Award Winning Christmas Lights

Best Christmas Lights Awards
A few days before Christmas Patty and I went out Christmas shopping and on our way back home, we stopped to look at some Christmas lights. Sorry for the below quality pictures, these were all shot with my HTC Hero phone. Enjoy the photos.


Responses to “Christmas Lights 2010”

  1. Snooty said

    Those pictures are nice. Are you doing a Predictions 2011? Hope so!

  2. Anti-Christ said

    I love the commercialism of christmas. it takes away the true meaning. It was my idea you know.

  3. Max Jackl said

    Merry belated Christmas LOTGK.