Grassy Knoll Institute FAQ"s

Q: What is the Grassy Knoll Institute?
A: The Grassy Knoll Institute, AKA as GKI, is the home of the 99 cent conspiracy theory. We keep overhead and expenses low to provide more affordable and better tasting conspiracy theories for our readers. The GKI rocket scientists gladly share our vast knowledge in all the disciplined fields of science, philosophy, and religion with sarcasm and a side of humor on the side.

Q: Who is the Curator?
A: He was the second shooter on the grassy knoll

Q: Who the hell is Shirley?
A: Surely you can't be serious. I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Q: Do you have a mascot?
A: Are you applying for the position?

Q: What is the Grassy Knoll Institutes best advice?
A: Never pet a burning dog. Think about it.

Q: How do I contact the Grassy Knoll Institute?
A: Just like that Mr. Einstein! If you do not understand, try using a Ouija board to contact us. We're sometimes referred to as demons. But never on Tuesdays please, it's a hassle to get sucked through the portals of hell during golf day.

Q: I don't like the curator. I liked the old moderators better!
A: I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. But, in the spirit of fair play I will attempt to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.

Q: Is the Grassy Knoll Institute global?
A: Yes, we proudly span the globe with our dizzying intellect. Except for France.

Q: Why did the Grassy Knoll Institute leave Homestead for Go-Daddy?
A: Cause Yoko broke up the band. And because Homestead wrote a ton of worthless crappy code into the HTML pages. Also, Go Daddy offers the Grassy Knoll Institute unlimited space and bandwidth. Plus hot fudge sundae's every other Tuesday. (Update Edit: The Grassy Knoll Institute has left Go-Daddy for Wordpress for ease of use, multi automatic features, strong community, and unlimited bandwidth.)(Second Update: The Grassy Knoll Institute has returned home to Blogger.)

Q: I think my computer is possessed by demons. What can I do?
A: Good question but more information is needed. The Grassy Knoll Institute needs to know what religious faith your computer is so we may prepare a response and a complete exorcism if required.

Q: I want to hotlink your photos, may I?
A: We love when ignorant hotlink whores steal our bandwidth. These mindless leeches don't understand that a quick flip of a switch and the photo they stole can completely dominate their websites.

Q: I've never been so offended in my life by the content on your blog. What are you going to do about it?
A: Apparently you don't get out enough!

Q: Did Americans really land on the moon or is it all a hoax?
A: Yes, we did. I was a stowaway on Apollo 11. I'm the one in the back, right side, gold leader helmet. Not to be confused with the thought screen helmet, which is an entirely different story.

Q: How old is the Grassy Knoll Institution?
A: I signed the Declaration of Independence.

Q: Do you really believe Lee Harvey Oswald had an accomplice?
A: The Grassy Knoll Institute has solid evidence that the French were involved.

Q: You were rude in replying to my comments. How do I report you?
A: I wasn't being rude. You're just insignificant.

Q: I read your article on the "Thought Screen Helmet" and how it effectively filters out telepathic contact from evil aliens attempting to control my thoughts and my very soul.
A: Although you didn't ask a question, I feel compelled to answer you and inform you that any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Q: Do you really expect us to believe your conspiracy theory section?
A: No Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!

Q: What is the secret of the popular ABC television series Lost?
A: The Grassy Knoll Institute has from the pilot episode formulated a theory that the passengers of flight 815 are in a virtual reality laboratory, are all interconnected, they feel, sense, and experience what everyone else does, hence the strange occurrences and things and objects out of place. While in this virtual reality state, they are all being closely studied while a battery of tests and experiments are performed on them. And who is behind all this other than the mysterious government men? Aliens of course.

Q: It is said that the Grassy Knoll Institute is the cause of global warming. Is this true?
A: No, my powers can only be used for good.

Q: With your section on Catholic nuns of the 1960's, you paint the Catholic church in a very unflattering way. Are you concerned for your soul and how your website affects others?
A: Yes, I am concerned but I do understand the Catholic faith. I went to a Catholic school from First through eighth grade with nuns as my teachers. I have a personal knowledge of the interpersonal workings of my faith from the original sin, venial and mortal sin, Limbo, Purgatory, Heaven and Hell. I am very confident.

Q: I don't believe your segment on Giant Aliens is accurate. Other than your photoshopped pictures, do you have any other proof that aliens are among us?
A: There is no empirical evidence that God exists, yet billions of people believe and that is proof enough for the Grassy Knoll Institute.

Q: Your Sexy Sirens section is fantastic. I sure would like to meet me some of those beautiful women. Do you know any of them personally?
A: Save your breath....You'll need it to blow up your date.

Q: I visit your site daily. I read every single word and entry. I usually spend 3-4 hours per day just on your site. Are you going to expand the Grassy Knoll Institute?
A: You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Q: How much revenue does the Grassy Knoll Institute generate?
A: As of this moment, the Grassy Knoll Institute is a nonprofit organization. Not by choice or design. However, the loyal dedicated scientists that work here, and I use the term "Work" lightly, are well compensated, have company vehicles, medical plans, 401K retirement plans, and most major holidays off with pay.

Q: Your site sucks. It's boring, and a waste of bandwidth. Why would anyone come here and comment?
A: Well, you for starters. You came here, read the Grassy Knoll Institute and felt compelled to comment. My work is done here. And to reply to the first part of your query about the waste of bandwidth, the Grassy Knoll Institute simply replies...

34 Responses to “FAQ’s”

  1. LOTGK said

    GIDave – Posted 2/5/2007
    How do I get on your faq’s page. I want to submit a question.
    LOTGK – Posted 2/5/2007
    Just like that Dave.
    jungljim69 – Posted 2/5/2007
    In reference to the Catholic faith part, just tell them what I like to say; Heaven doesn’t want me and Hell is afraid I will take over!
    Chica – Posted 2/5/2007
    Very informative Lot, well done..I think. :)
    Cyn – Posted 2/5/2007
    so like now that i’ve read this drivel do i get a prize? *snicker*
    LOTGK – Posted 2/5/2007
    Biting my tongue Cyn, biting my tongue.
    Thank you chica, I think.
    Jimmy, there’s a Sam Kinison joke in there somewhere.
    rosa – Posted 3/9/2007
    I just read 2 paragraphs about Lost and realized that you’re an idiot. No one ever said there was a ping pong table on the plane. I can’t read any more.
    LOTGK – Posted 3/9/2007
    It took you that long Rosa? Usually it only takes a sentence or two for the rest to catch on. Thanks for commenting.
    Gumby – Posted 3/9/2007
    I knew right from the start Dude, home of the 99 cent conspiracy theory indeed. Laughing at that stupid biatch.
    LOTGK – Posted 3/9/2007
    What the hell do you know. You ride on an orange horse named Pokey! LOL But you are right, Rosa couldn’t even figure out how to comment on the Lost section. God, I love my job.
    Tim – Posted 3/15/2007
    I’m confused.Is Dave’s question about how to get on the faq’s page a frequently asked question?
    Lead_Scientist – Posted 3/15/2007
    It is now Tim.
    Eddy – Posted 3/15/2007
    What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
    LOTGK – Posted 3/15/2007
    Aww Eddy, now you are just trying to butter me up. I am a huge fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I will answer your question if you answer my question.
    What is your favorite color?
    Eddy – Posted 3/16/2007
    Blue! No wait, yellow! Arghrrrr.
    Gumby – Posted 3/22/2007
    Is one the loneliest number? Is two out of three not bad? On a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? Is it really easier said than done? Was Pete Best the 5th Beatle? Can you say “Toy boat” five times really fast? When will it ever end?
    LOTGK – Posted 3/22/2007
    No. Zero is cause it don’t even have one. Ain’t bad. I bet you say that to all the boys. Depends. No. Yes. Someday.
    emma – Posted 3/25/2007
    am i blocked from ur lost comments?
    Lead Scientist – Posted 3/25/2007
    Emma, we delayed your last four comments on Lost, 03/21/2007 because you posted exactly the same thing two times in a row within two minutes, and the third post condensing down what your first two posts were. Finally, your fourth post, you were yelling demanding why your comments were not showing up.
    Learn to play nice in the sandbox. Agree or disagree with LOTGK’s theory, (I personally think it’s a show about nothing much like Seinfeld was) call him a crack pot, (He likes that) state your own theory, just don’t belittle the guests.
    And yes, I am a partner in the Grassy Knoll Institute consortium.
    emma – Posted 3/26/2007
    OK, LOTGK is a crack pot. Whatever. Now what happened to Desmond’s boat?
    Gumby – Posted 4/11/2007
    Will Sanjaya win American Idol 2007?
    LOTGK – Posted 4/16/2007
    To early to tell but it seems he is in the lead with the steam. He will be hard to beat.
    LOTGK – Posted 4/19/2007
    To better answer your question Gumby, No, Sanjaya will not win American Idol this year. I guarantee it.
    encuew – Posted 5/4/2007
    where can i go to find a credit card with no credit and get approved online with cash advance
    LOTGK – Posted 5/4/2007
    Good question. Just like your other 25 questions right after this one. But you did ask, so here is your answer.
    Not from your company that you are spamming for.
    Valdunagan – Posted 5/9/2007
    What was the president’s name in 1959?
    LOTGK – Posted 5/9/2007
    That would be George Bush. You didn’t ask who was, but what was, and George was still named George in 1959.
    Crystal – Posted 5/18/2007
    Hmm, Do you think you could share your hot fidge sundae with me? It’s almost Tuesday!!!
    LOTGK – Posted 5/18/2007
    Yes, certainly. I will share my hot “Fidge” with you. Just not the hot Fudge.
    Crystal – Posted 5/21/2007
    Haha – damn it!
    Flounder – Posted 7/17/2007
    May I have 10,000 marbles please?
    LOTGK – Posted 7/30/2007
    Yes, yes, but only because you’re a legacy. You can thank your brother Kent Dorfman.

  2. GaryVet said

    If you are driving down the road in your convertible canoe, and your right-left tire falls off, then how many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house? These things keep me up at night.

  3. LOTGK said

    Depending on the size of the dog house and the size of the pancakes, the answer is 11.

  4. Igor said

    Would you mind telling me who’s brain I did put in?

  5. LOTGK said

    Abby someone, I believe it was Abby Normal.

  6. Lead Scientist said

    Abby Normal! I’m almost sure that was the name.

  7. Crazyassredneck said

    the answer to garyvet’s question is 12 but i think i used smaler pancakes and a left right tire so my estimations may be skewed…

  8. LOTGK said

    Crazy, absolutely, certain X-variables can be factored in to obtain an answer of 12. Good call.

  9. Juicy Kat said

    Is there any question that you cannot answer?

  10. LOTGK said


  11. Seven Reds said

    There is a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead in third grade. Which
    has the biggest boobs?

  12. LOTGK said

    The blond.
    Because she’s 22 years old.

  13. Tech-Ops said

    Why do you call yourself the grassy knoll institute?

  14. LOTGK said

    Because Grassy Knoll Initiative was to hard to spell.

  15. City Wired said

    How does Battlestar Galactica end? Do they all die or find earth?

  16. LOTGK said

    I’ll let you know in a couple of months.

  17. Lead Scientist said

    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? These are the things that keep me up at night.

  18. LOTGK said

    It all depends on how much money Chuck is paid.
    How much “Would” he chuck, is the question.

  19. Gary said

    What am i supposed to do now LOST is off till next year………….the answer to the wood chuck question is………………………what is a woodchuck?

  20. LOTGK said

    Gary, I am glad you asked. Perhaps you could insert the word “that” in between Now and Lost for starters.

  21. New Harvey said

    Your site sucks, its not relevant at all, and its boring.

  22. Question 67&68 said

    Is it possible for a person to think they don’t exist when they really do?

  23. Rankamateur said

    Need a good used car? I’m your man! Come see me or or any of the family, at our location in Canfield, or our new location in Boardman!
    Buddy “Honest Buddy” Harvey.
    p.s., seriously we need the cash. Those lawyers will rip you off, I’m tellin’ ya! Thank Heaven for loosely regulated banks and numbered accounts…

  24. Malcolm said

    This is a funny site. Not always funny, but funny. You have been at this for some time, since 1995. Where can you see yourself in ten years from now?

  25. Jenny Tang said

    Dear grassy knoll, I’ve been dying to know, what is the difference between an onion and a prostitute?
  26. How do you really know there was a second shooter on the grassy knoll that assassinated president Kennedy.

  27. Lawrence A. said

    Is Jessica Simpson a has been?

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