Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

3/03/2008

Nun Punishment

Gemma Massey - Sexy Catholic Nun Punishment
Sister Gemma Massey, disciplining a careless student caught passing notes in second period religion class. The penalty, of course was immense torture followed by death by belt hanging.Perhaps nun punishment wasn't quite so harsh as depicted above, but to be fair, the nuns didn't look anything like the sexy Gemma Massey, the international model portraying the maniacal Catholic nun at the Chicago Halloween trade show.

LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

2/27/2008

Idora Park Entrance Sign


This was the Idora Amusement Park entrance sign just off of Canfield Road in Youngstown, Ohio. It stood proud and tall for many years. Even years after the park closed in 1984.

A polka festival was the last advertised event at Idora Park. I can remember the yellow blinking lights and the blue background announcing to all that you had arrived at Idora Park.

The sign has been torn down several years ago but you can still see in the road the indentations where it stood.

LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

2/26/2008

Triple Dog Dared

triple dog dare christmas story
Triple Dog Dare
Apparently Inga never watched the classic holiday film, A Christmas Story. Otherwise, she would have known what happens when she sticks her tongue onto a pole.

Perhaps Inga was Triple dogged Dared much like Flick was in the movie and couldn't resist the challenge.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

2/20/2008

New And Improved Thought Screen Helmet

Not feeling feminine fresh? Now you can everyday with the new and improved Thought Screen Helmet (Developed by the rocket scientists at the Grassy Knoll Institute) made just for women. Look, it has wings and it makes toast as an added bonus. The ultimate multi-task accessory for the on-the-go business women.

WARNING:
Women are not immuned from the threat of alien abduction as some people in the scientific community had believed. Wearing the TSH to board room meetings will assuredly get you noticed. In fact, you and your thought screen helmet will be the topic of conversation no matter where you go.
And who doesn't want that type of recognition.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

1/19/2008

Philadelphia Museum Of Art Logo


Right across the street of the Philadelphia Museum Of Art is a quaint little landing and gazebo overlooking the river. An old wooden fence guards against the danger of falling over the ledge and down the side of the ravine.As with almost all public places, etchings and carvings adorn the fence.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

1/01/2008

Gatlinburg Aquarium Shark Tank


On a tip from a reliable source that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were buried under the Smoky Mountains Aquarium owned and operated by Ripley's, the Grassy Knoll Institute scientists immediately went there to investigate. We didn't find Hoffa, however, we snapped a few shots while inside the aquarium.

As you can see, the aquarium is huge. Sharks and other fish swim on the side and above you as you wind your way through the aquarium.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/28/2007

Ink Blotter Test


To become employed as a Grassy Knoll Institute rocket scientist, a litany of tests must be completed. This is the final one. The so-called pysch test.
Simply, look at the above canvass and tell us what you see in the ink blotter?
You have 30 seconds.



LURKING, HINT HINT, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/14/2007

Hooked On A Feeling

Shark Hooks In Womans Back
Shark Hooks In Womans Back
When in Florida, the Grassy Knoll Institute likes to relax and do a little deep sea fishing. Usually we don't catch anything and really don't care that we don't. Marlin, swordfish, and sharks are the usual catch but sometimes we get our hooks into something unusual.

Although we hauled this one into the boat, reluctantly we had to release the catch due to the Florida fish and wildlife license.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/11/2007

The Mad Ice Scrapper

At dinner last night, I was reminded of an event that happened back in the 1970’s. I believe it was the winter of 1976, or maybe 1977. It was a Christmas holiday type event where each neighbor tried to outdo the next in Christmas decorations presentations. Being in the midst of the energy crisis, a time when just a few years earlier President Richard Nixon preached to all Americans to conserve oil, gas, and electricity. The Christmas light decorators had to find more energy efficient means to showcase their homes.

They came up with a very ingenious concept of brown and white paper lunch bags and nickel candles. The home owner would open each paper bag, add about an inch of sand to add weight so they would not blow away and line them starting at the street curb and then wind their way on both sides up their driveway. They would then add the nickel candles and light them. The paper bag would illuminate to a very bright decoration and the bag height would block the wind keeping the candle lit.


It would take hours to set up the bags and then every night relight or replace the candles and re-align whatever bags needed to be placed back into position.


That’s where Brad and I came in. At the height of the Christmas season, when every household was illuminated with these energy efficient decorations, we would take to the streets with our car. I was in my 1968 yellow Camaro, and we would find a street aglow with these light bags. I would then get really close to the curb and Brad would open the car door, and using the ice scrapper would mow down as many of the bags as he could.


Its hard to describe the sound the bags made when they came in contact with the ice scrapper, something like Thrack, thrack, thrack. We were laughing like idiots watching the bags almost explode as they were hit and then catch on fire immediately afterward. We would go street to street with the mad ice scrapper.


This went on for some time until we began to get chased from the neighbors who began to recognize the yellow Camaro. The mad ice scrapper retired after an all to brief reign of terror.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/10/2007

I Won A Major Award


major award
I Won A Major Award
I think its Italian, it says....Fra......Gil......E......

I thought I'd share with you one of the Christmas gifts my wife Patty bought me. Its a replica leg lamp from the classic movie, A Christmas Story. The father wins a major award and it gets delivered in a giant crate. It turns out to be the Infamous Leg lamp and he displays it prominently in the front picture window for all his neighbors to see.

I recommend watching the movie.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Santa Clone Conspiracy


santa claus is a clone conspiracy
Santa Claus Is A Clone Conspiracy
The Grassy Knoll Institute in it's relentless pursuit of the truth, has discovered the true secret of the "Santa Claus Myth".For hundreds of years, many people wondered how Santa Claus was able to deliver presents and gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world in just one night.

The photo above is scientific evidence of a vast cloning farm that has been going on at the North Pole for many many years.

As the story goes, the original Santa gene was cloned to make thousands of the magical jolly old elves enabling them to spread out and canvass the entire globe on Christmas. So yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus. In fact, there are several thousand of them.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/01/2007

Body Armor Sharks

Sharks With Body Armor
Sharks With Body Armor
With their continuing assault on the human population, Super Alien Sharks have mutated and now have genetically altered steel plating and incredibly, they still remain buoyant and ferocious hunters and excellent swimmers.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/24/2007

Parking Deck Conspiracy


Parking In Gatlinburg Tennessee
Parking In Gatlinburg Tennessee
 Five dollars for all day parking doesn't sound to bad until you look at the big picture. Every year I visit Gatlinburg, Tennessee (Apparently there is a huge amount of paranormal activity in the foothills of the Smoky mountains) and I walk through this parking deck every day to and from my hotel on my way to and from work. So far no problem. But of course there is more.

Gatlinburg is a very busy tourist and convention town. Literally thousands of locals and out of towners flock into Gatlinburg during the morning hours to attend conventions, shopping, sightseeing, visit Ober Gatlinburg, and other activities. This parking deck is the only spot to park as you are not permitted to on the Parkway strip.

As you might believe, this deck is very popular and by 10am is packed. The only problem is, the above $5.00 parking sign is not posted in the mornings.
Parking Deck In Gatlinburg Tennessee
Parking Deck In Gatlinburg Tennessee

This one is!

That's right kids, early in the morning the parking attendant tapes this $10.00 parking sign at the entrance covering the $5.00 signs. At roughly 10am, the $10.00 sign is taken down and for the rest of the day, parking is only five dollars.

The parking deck has a monopoly and you either pay the $10.00 or you don't park. It's that simple. But the sign says, $5.00 parking all day. What it really should say is, parking is $5.00 all day except during the morning hours when demand is at it's highest which at that time you will pay $10.00 or whatever we want you to pay.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has a sneaking suspicion that Exxon Corporation owns this parking deck.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Sam Kinison - Louder Than Hell 1986


sam kinison louder than hell comedy album
Sam Kinison Louder Than Hell Comedy Album
Sam Kinison, Shock Comedian, Debut Album, Louder Than Hell


You know this kid ain't filming a letter from home with a Betamax?

Come here, see, see, this is sand....Yea......You know what it's going to be in 100 years? ITS GONNA BE SAND!!! You live in a desert. Nothing grows out here. Nothing's gonna grow out here.

This album debuted during the height of comedian Sam Kinisons popularity. he debuted on David Letterman, appeared on Rodney Dangerfield's young comedians show, and countless gigs at halls and shows throughout the country.

His humor was raunchy, loud, to the point, and sexual. His famous line was "I just love women." His act would usually start out with him calm and slowly pacing on stage. Soon his voice would escalate, and then he would begin screaming. It always brought the audience to their feet.

Alas, Sam passed away in 1992, killed by a teenage drunk driver on a highway in Needles, California. His humor is missed.
sam kinison record album art
Sam Kinison Album Art
The back cover had a close up of Kinison in his trademark overcoat and beret cap. A smug smile adorns his face.

Titles on the album are:
Side One:
Blind
Big Menu
Libya
Relationships
Alphabet
Sexual Therapy
Side Two:
Manson
Jesus
Devil
World Hunger
Letter From Home
Love Song

You lyin whore
You used me
You never loved me
I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood
Die! Die! I want my records back. I want my records back



LURKING AND ROCKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

You Know It Is Christmas Time When


coca cola santa
Coke Santa
As the cartoon character Charlie Brown hinted way back in 1966, Christmas has become to commercialized?

This mornings newspaper weighed in at over 5 pounds as advertisements from every store imaginable were visible.
It seems that Christmas advertising starts a little earlier each year.

I believe it won't be to long that the day after Halloween, we consumers will start to be bombarded with Christmas ads.
Heck, I opened the fridge today, grabbed a Coke, and Lo and Behold, who was on the front of the can. You guessed it, Santa Claus himself.

"Isn't there anyone that knows the true meaning of Christmas"?
Cue Linus......


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/23/2007

Catholic Nuns Plotting My Eternal Damnation

His Permanent Record Is Almost Full
Catholic nuns smirking and gloating over my permanent record. Damn bitches were plotting my demise and eternal damnation to hell.

The Grassy Knoll Institute can now confirm that Catholic nuns in the 1960's were cooking the books making Catholic kids appear more sinful than they really were. The nuns, A/K/A crafty demons from hell, realized that they would be out of business and obsolete if the children were well behaved and well mannered. Perhaps being reassigned to more private church activities such as decorating the church for Easter and Christmas seasons and cooking and serving the spaghetti dinners. Certainly a notch down from the power they wielded teaching the grade school children.

But the nuns had an ace in the hole. The Permanent Record. The permanent record was the ammunition and control for the nuns. By simply doctoring the books, adding a mortal sin and few venial sins to each child's record, all Catholics took a giant step towards damnation. Nobody questioned the Nun Mafia. If a nun called the parents of a child informing them that said child was behaving badly, there was no discussion between parents and child, it commenced right to the beatings. This was the type of power that nuns of the 1960's had.

This is one of the main reasons that I vowed to bring the nun mafia to their knee's. (A place they've never been before) One child's quest, against a formidable foe, a modern day David and Goliath. My battle lasted eight long years and some say the nuns won, but some notice that today, nuns are almost extinct and will soon be on the endangered species list. I leave that evidence as my testament that I had won the battle.

Take that bitches.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/22/2007

NFL Network Conspiracy

Armstrong Cable Blacks Out NFL Network

Last Thanksgiving evening thousands of NFL fans were treated to a blacked out Bronco's - Chiefs game. As ravenous turkey laden fans settled down in front of their TV's, they were rudely alerted and told that the game could not be televised tonight due to an outrageous fee that the NFL wanted to charge the cable company. Armstrong cable, our local cable company, ran this scrolling message across the television screen.

Armstrong is not able to air tonight's game because the NFL has not granted us the right to do so. The NFL has demanded an outrageous amount for Armstrong to show eight out of market games. Your local team's games will be available on other channels. For more information, please call 1-877-277-5711

The Grassy Knoll Institute has been watching the NFL network all year on Armstrong cable and we have watched all the commercials touting Thursday night NFL football beginning Thanksgiving evening. However, we did not see a single commercial, or alert, or note on our cable bill stating that Armstrong cable was not going to pay the required fee to the NFL to carry the games on NFL network. Armstrong cable had 11 months to notify it's loyal paying customers. Instead, Armstrong chose to alert us at 8pm Thanksgiving night, just minutes before the game was to air.

The Grassy Knoll Institute believes that Armstrong cable deliberately waited to make the announcement so as to eliminate defection from avid NFL sports fans who were anticipating the extra game on Thanksgiving plus a Thursday game to the end of the season. If these fans were told months before when the deal was shown to Armstrong and rejected, perhaps they would have had time to seek alternate services to receive the games. DirecTV and Dish Network carried the game and they are direct competitors to cable television. Now do you see the conspiracy?

Armstrong cable made a grave error in customer service on Thanksgiving. They had the ability to notify their customers but elected not to. This course of action gives cable companies even more of a bad reputation concerning customer service.

This type of power play is happening more often as ESPN flexed it's network muscles by putting popular college football games on it's least popular channel, ESPNU network. This is forcing cable companies to either add the new ESPN channel to it's lineup or risk the wrath of loyal cable customers.

Nobody wins except the networks.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/20/2007

ESPNU Flexes Muscles

ESPN television sports cable network is flexing it's sport muscle using top collegiate football games to force cable networks to add the channel to it's lineup. Doesn't sound like a conspiracy to you? Well, let's look at some facts.ESPNU is the weakest of 5 channels in the ESPN conglomerate plus the powerful ABC television completes a formidable sports network second to none. All but the ESPNU channel is doing well and ESPN has found a way to almost immediately make the channel in demand. I don't want to use the word extortion, but since it's already printed here, and I don't feel like applying another word, we'll let extortion stick.

Several weeks ago ESPN opted to televise the Ohio State Buckeyes verses the Indiana Hoosiers football game on ESPNU network instead of it's flagship channel ESPN. Thee Ohio State Buckeyes are undefeated and the number one ranked team in the nation. This game demanded a national audience but instead it was shown in less than 10% of the nations homes.

As the news spread that the game wasn't going to be televised nationally, the phone lines and emails heated up to the local cable providers demanding why ESPNU wasn't on their list of channels. Thousands of complaints were logged to the cable companies, (And this time the fault did not fall upon the cable companies on this one) but they did not have any control over what ESPN decides to air and what not to.

In one swift motion, ESPNU was on the map and became a buzz word that weekend. To complete the deal, ESPNU announced the rules of regional coverage (engagement) stating they have the legal right not to air a particular game or games if they so desire. In fact, the possibility was implied that more top rated games could wind up on ESPNU putting even more pressure on the cable networks to pick up ESPNU on their lineup.

ESPNU had a very successful test and the Grassy Knoll Institute will wager that with the final weeks of the college season upon us, another major game will find it's way on the fledgling ESPNU network which will pave the way for next year with ESPN announcing an expanded schedule of game for 2007. A perfect conspiracy theory indeed.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/19/2007

Hide The Sausage

Holiday Turkey Shoot

Thanksgiving and Christmas were very special times growing up as a lad. You see, we only had turkey dinners on these two days and with seven brothers and sisters, it was a scramble for leftovers the next day. Of course, as always, there was plenty of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and all the fixings the day of the holiday. It was the days after that concerned us.

The day after Thanksgiving and Christmas all the kids would run to the fridge for leftovers. Who am I kidding; we were drooling for some leftover turkey. Sure, the other leftovers were good and complimented the turkey ensemble but the turkey was the prized possession. Problem was, seven kids plus two parents and only one fridge and only a certain amount of turkey leftovers. This meant that the leftovers were gobbled up the day after and we would then have to wait for the next holiday.

This brought on another family tradition. Each child, and parent, would hack off some turkey and hide it some place in the fridge. At first it was simple to find the hidden treasure (Turkey) as it was placed behind milk cartons, behind a Coke bottle, inserted in the Land O Lakes butter box, and in the bottom crisper door. We then became a little more creative and began taping the turkey (In bags of course) to the ceiling of the fridge and behind items that would stay in one place for a while. In time, all hiding places were quickly found and pillaged like Vikings on a drunken binge.

Until I found the ultimate hiding place. Of course, because it was winter, it was cold outside and we had plenty of snow. One time, the day after Christmas, I built a snowman in the backyard. I then carefully inserted the wrapped up turkey in the center of the snowman and filled it in with snow. The perfect icebox.

Several freezing days went by and the turkey and all the trimmings were long gone. It was time to strike. I put my coat on and went outside to play. I immediately went to the garage, got my dads screwdriver, and chipped out the block of frozen turkey hidden in the mid-section of the snowman. Into the house and to the kitchen I went. I turned on the oven to low heat and put in the turkey. Ten minutes later, it was thawed and warm. The turkey was fantastic. Within minutes, several brothers and sisters came in to investigate as the smell of turkey filled the kitchen. Many questions were asked where it was hidden but no answers were offered. I had found the perfect hiding place.

Footnote: The next year, I built another snowman and hid the turkey in the same spot. Several days later I went out for the turkey and dug it out. Like the last year, I went inside and turned on the oven and unwrapped the turkey delight. But something was terribly wrong. As the outer tin foil wrap was taken off, there was only a block of ice and a sandwich baggie with a piece of paper in it.

The note simply said, saw you building the snowman, took a guess and got lucky. Thanks.

It would be years later that my brother George told me he was the one who saw me building the snowman and guessed that was my secret hiding place.

R.I.P. George 11/20/1997




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/18/2007

Ben Roethlisberger Conspiracy

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback for the 2006 NFL super bowl champions Pittsburgh Steelers appears to have overcome the effects from his motorcycle crash earlier last year.

Roethlisberger was not wearing his helmet when he flew over his motorcycle handlebars and slammed into an oncoming car hitting the wind shiled and then falling to the ground. A witness went over to assist and Roethlisberger asked where he was, what state he was in, and what time it was.

Roethlisberger had seven hours of surgery to repair the damage to his head and body and the doctors were encouraged by the success of the procedures. He spent a few days recovering and went home to rehabilitate his body and mind for the upcoming 2006 NFL season.

As we all know, the NFL is a big business corporation and the superbowl winning quarterback is a big marketing piece. For the 2006 season, Ben Roethlisberger was that icon. Any bad press for him is bad for business, and profit.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has learned through several reliable sources that Roethlisberger was still suffering from neurological damage from the head injury during his helmetless collision with the vehicle he slammed into. Studies show that brain synapses are severely impaired when a trauma to the head occurs such as a concussion. Case studies show that many football players incur concussions and afterward, are asked simple questions to determine the severity of the concussion and to evaluate if the player is in danger.

Standard questions are, What day is it, What state are you in, and who are we playing. If the player has any difficulty answering, he is not permitted to return to the field of play and usually sent to the hospital for further evaluation and brain scans. Ben asked what state he was in and what time it was.

Symptoms of a concussion are unconsciousness, loss of normal reflexes and motor skills, normal pupil response to light, headache, confusion, irritability, numbness, mental confusion, and memory recall.

Roethlisberger was traveling on his motorcycle Southbound and struck a car going Northbound. If each vehicle was traveling 40 miles per hour, (This is a highway, where the speed limit is 55 MPH) the collision force would be that of an 80 mile per hour crash into a brick wall. And Roethlisberger hit the car head on. Without a helmet. This is by far a more severe blow to the head than a helmet to helmet on a football field.

The Grassy Knoll Institute speculated that Roethlisberger had not entirely healed from the accident. His reflexes were slowed, his motor skills off, his memory recall a little out of focus, and his decision making not up to standard.

Case in point: Last year, 2005, Roethlisberger enjoyed a quarterback rating of 98.6, as well a 98.1 rating in 2004, his rookie season. This year, his rating is 41.7, almost two and a half times lower. His completion percentage is also down by over 10 percent and his interception rate is up over 57 percent. His mobility was slowed, had been fumbling the ball more often, and made bad decisions where in years past, did not.

Recovery from a concussions can take several days, weeks, or months depending on the severity and the person. In some cases, permanent damage can occur.

Did Roethlisberger cover up his injury in hopes of shaking it off and playing through the pain and confusion? Perhaps he was not even aware due to the mental confusion he was suffering from. Perhaps the NFL had turned another blind eye to this potential health problem as it did with Brett Favre several years ago when after suffering a concussion was allowed to return to the game to throw a TD pass thus keeping his NFL streak alive. Perhaps he is just having a lousy season. Perhaps losing Bettis was more of a loss than thought. Only time will tell.

In 2007 and a full year to recover from the head trauma, Roethlisberger is enjoying a resurgence as the Pittsburgh Steelers are first in their division and heading to the playoffs. Big Ben is big Ben again, making the plays he is accustomed to.

Something to think about.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL