Lorna Doone Cookie Conspiracy

Lorna Doone Cookie Conspiracy

Lorna Doone Cookie Conspiracy

Lorna Doone Cookie Box Not Full

Traveling to work today I glanced at the local gas station and saw the price was $3.89 per gallon. I guarantee it will only be a matter of time before gas stations adjust their pumps and begin selling gas in half a gallon quantities. $1.95 per half gallon appears better than $3.89 per gallon.

It appears that cookie maker Nabisco has already created their own less is more attitude for their famous Lorna Doone brand cookies. Upon inspection of the Lorna Doone contents, you can clearly see that the cookie wraps do not reach the top of the box. Not even close. And, to make matters even muddy, one of the wrappers had two cookies less than the other. Nabisco cannot blame content settling when one wrapper has less than the other.

Expecting a lower price? Hardly! The cost was ironically $3.89 per box. I wonder if Nabisco will be selling half boxes for $1.99 anytime soon?

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The Post After 999

(Would You Mind Telling Me who's Brain I Did Put In)

According to the Blogspot dashboard, (Which everyone loves so much) I noticed I have 999 posts here at the Grassy Knoll Institute. When I press the publish button, this post will be #1000. Yea baby yea!

I have not really thought about what I should post about for this milestone high water mark entry. Perhaps I should plead for world peace. For lower oil prices. For Simon Cowell of American Idol fame to wear a goddamn bra. Throwing the tea back into the harbor. For politicians that do not lie. Dealing with an honest used car salesman. (One in the same perhaps) Finding empirical proof that aliens really do exist. And God for that matter, (That's for you Cyn) or how many licks it does take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

My son, Lead Scientist of the Grassy Knoll Institute suggested I post about the times I almost burned down our secret headquarters, or electrocuted myself, not once, but thrice while doing some wiring work, or blowing up the bee hive buried in the ground in our back yard, or my balancing act on the ladder, (Or lack of balance) or what it really took to be a member of the Daredevils club, or my real theory pertaining to ABC's Lost.

My wife Patty, the bank, brains, and beauty behind the blog, suggested dinner at her favorite restaurant without me taking my damn camera and photographing the meal I order.

Instead, I think I will simply say thank you to everyone that reads my quirky little blog. And to everyone who comments. And to those that have me linked and blogrolled on their own respective blogs and websites. And to General George S. Patton, for his genius in warfare and being a ruthless but fair bastard.

And for the others, I guess there is no pleasing you then.

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Irish Language Lost In Translation

The Irish speak English. Not the kings English, not the American English, but a dialect all their own. Sometimes you must pay close attention to what they are saying and many times what the commentator is saying has a completely different meaning to others. Here are some examples.....

At a women's weightlifting tournament:
Next up is Shannon O'Malley... I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing.

At an Irish horse race event:
Tis really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.

At a soccer championship game:
He's pulling him off! The manager is pulling his
captain off!

Soccer player interview:
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

Announcer At Ireland's race speedway:
The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it
which is identical.

Interview at a charity event:
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

Commentator at boxing event:
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none
of them serious.

Irish TV Weatherman:
If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again.

At an Irish football game:
"I would not say he is the best left winger in
the Premiership, but there are none better."

Commentator at a boat race:
Ah, isn't that lovely indeed, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.

Commentator at an indoor track meet:
O'Toole has four fastest 1500-meter times ever. And all those
times are at 1500 meters.

Commentator at soccer field:
Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field.

Commentator reporting the news:
"And later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."

Irish betting:
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."

Irish observation at a soccer game:
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in
the air for even longer."

Irish interview with a retiring sports star:
"What will you do when you leave the sport of soccer? Will you stay in soccer?"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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Asteroid To Hit Earth 01/28/2008

It has been confirmed that an asteroid is on a collision course to impact Earth in the Southern hemisphere on Monday, January 28th at approximately 0500 GMT. This rogue (A large, destructive, and anomalous or unpredictable heavenly body operating outside normal or desirable controls) asteroid is the size of the Sears Building in Chicago and was just discovered by NASA as it entered our solar system when it changed course towards earth.

Up until Monday the 21st, NASA was tracking the asteroid (Named TU24) displaying it's trajectory course and danger level towards earth and the probability of an impact. Yesterday, all data relating to TU24, it's mass, size, trajectory course, time of impact, was deleted and erased from the website and in it's place was a sign stating that the asteroid had a zero percent chance of striking earth and the threat level was minimal at best. (On Monday, the odds were 50-50 chance and closing for an impact.)

The Grassy Knoll Institute understands how governments work in times of crisis especially when no solution is available such as an Armageddon sized asteroid that has the potential to end all life on the planet. The government institutes it's plausible deniabilty scenario preaching ignorance is bliss and seemingly everyone goes about their business. Except the heads of state.

Imagine if the government went public and broadcast to the world that an asteroid would impact the earth causing total devastation. The panic and chaos of the public would cause a complete breakdown of government as hysteria and looting would continue right up until impact. Hence, all information on asteroid TU24 has been deleted.

Starting this weekend, keep an eye on the movement of our public figures such as the president, vice president, key cabinet members and scientists from NASA. They will begin to disappear from the public eye as they quickly gather in underground bunkers to safely weather the impact.

It's the weekend, and the end of the world is coming on Monday. It's time to check your bucket list and get cracking.

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New England Patriots Perfect Season

Saturday, December 29th, at 8pm EST, the New England Patriots face the New York Giants for the final regular game of the season. The Patriots, now at 14-0 will perhaps be going for a perfect season that final game while the Giants will be playing for a tight raced wild card spot. The NFL could not have dreamed of a better scenario than the match-up as all eyes will be tuning in to watch a little bit of sports history.

As if anything more was needed for the thrones of fans to tune in, several more records should be there for the taking during this game for quarterback Tom Brady and receiver Randy Moss.

Tom Brady, the Patriots quarterback, can easily shatter the record for most touchdowns in a single season during this game surpassing Peyton Manning and Dan Marino.

Randy Moss can break the receiving yards record for a single season and also break Jerry Rice's long standing record of most TD's in a single season.

The hype has already begun as the fabled 1972 Miami Dolphins, who went a perfect 17-0, are being compared to the present day Patriots on almost every NFL program. Millions of non football fans will tune in just to see what all the hub bub is all about making this one game one of the highest rated broadcasts rivaling even the super bowl games of past years.

But there's a problem. The game is slated to be televised on the NFL Network, a TV channel that only 1% of the American public receives. A game this big and no one will be able to see history possibly be written.

The NFL is standing firm stating that the game will not be switched to CBS, NBC, or FOX and will air on the NFL Network.

I will guarantee that millions of fans will be calling their local cable companies demanding that they allow the game to be shown in their area. But there's the rub.

DirecTV ponied up this year when the NFL negotiations were open and out bid the cable company giants.

This is where the conspiracy portion enters.

The NFL Network much like cable channel ESPNU have a very limited audience. About 1% of the nation has access to the NFL network football games. The cable companies balked at the cost the NFL wanted for them to air the Thursday and Saturday night special games starting Thanksgiving night every year. Hence, only DirecTV subscribers can tune in.

So what can the network do to bolster ratings? Do exactly what ESPNU did last year. Televise the top rated games on that channel knowing that it would cause an outcry from the fans and hopefully force the cable companies to pony up and televise the games. ESPNU aired the Ohio State Buckeyes while they were undefeated and ranked #1 in the country and other top ranked teams showed up on the U network when low profile games used to be only shown.

The NFL is forcing the same type of scenario. In two weeks, tens of millions of fans will be very upset not being able to view the game causing animosity and hard feelings toward their cable providers. Countless phone calls and emails will be fielded as to why the game is not available and they won't like the answer that it cost to much money to air these limited games.

The Patriots are poised to go a perfect 16-0 while Brady and Moss have obtainable NFL records as well in the final game. The NFL Network could not have asked for a better catalyst to force cable companies.

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Santa Clone Conspiracy

Santa Claus Is A Clone Conspiracy

The Grassy Knoll Institute in it's relentless pursuit of the truth, has discovered the true secret of the "Santa Claus Myth".For hundreds of years, many people wondered how Santa Claus was able to deliver presents and gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world in just one night.

The photo above is scientific evidence of a vast cloning farm that has been going on at the North Pole for many many years.

As the story goes, the original Santa gene was cloned to make thousands of the magical jolly old elves enabling them to spread out and canvass the entire globe on Christmas. So yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus. In fact, there are several thousand of them.

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