I Won A Major Award

I Won A Major Award

I think its Italian, it says....Fra......Gil......E......

I thought I'd share with you one of the Christmas gifts my wife Patty bought me. Its a replica leg lamp from the classic movie, A Christmas Story. The father wins a major award and it gets delivered in a giant crate. It turns out to be the Infamous Leg lamp and he displays it prominently in the front picture window for all his neighbors to see.

I recommend watching the movie.

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Santa Clone Conspiracy

Santa Claus Is A Clone Conspiracy

The Grassy Knoll Institute in it's relentless pursuit of the truth, has discovered the true secret of the "Santa Claus Myth".For hundreds of years, many people wondered how Santa Claus was able to deliver presents and gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world in just one night.

The photo above is scientific evidence of a vast cloning farm that has been going on at the North Pole for many many years.

As the story goes, the original Santa gene was cloned to make thousands of the magical jolly old elves enabling them to spread out and canvass the entire globe on Christmas. So yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus. In fact, there are several thousand of them.

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You Know It Is Christmas Time When

Coke Santa

As the cartoon character Charlie Brown hinted way back in 1966, Christmas has become to commercialized?

This mornings newspaper weighed in at over 5 pounds as advertisements from every store imaginable were visible.
It seems that Christmas advertising starts a little earlier each year.

I believe it won't be to long that the day after Halloween, we consumers will start to be bombarded with Christmas ads.
Heck, I opened the fridge today, grabbed a Coke, and Lo and Behold, who was on the front of the can. You guessed it, Santa Claus himself.

"Isn't there anyone that knows the true meaning of Christmas"?
Cue Linus......

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Thanksgiving Turkey Tradition

Thanksgiving Day Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving from all the Grassy Knoll Institute rocket scientists.

Typical Thanksgiving at the GKI.
Of course, our Thanksgiving day meal is all about the turkey. Doesn't it look just delicious?
Stuffing, home made and cooked with the turkey allowing the natural juices of the turkey to soak through adding that perfect blend of taste and texture.
Mashed potatoes, not the instant type, but peeled and mashed and cooked potatoes. (Sidenote: peel a potato. Run it under cold water for 30 seconds. Sprinkle just a dash of salt and bite into a delectable treat)
Corn, not on the cobb, but fresh corn smothered in butter and pepper.
Cranberries, a little wild tasting, especially if you take a sip of cold milk right before or after taking a bite on cranberries. (Go ahead, you know you want to try that)
Pea's and carrots, which I usually pass to the family member on my left.
Crescent rolls, hot from the oven, smothered in butter.
Celery, plain, with cream cheese, and peanut butter.
Green olives, Cashews, Chocolates.
Dessert, Pumpkin pie, pecan pie, apple pie.
A lot of football in between and after.

And today as we celebrate Thanksgiving, let us all remember John F. Kennedy, out 35th president who was assassinated this day 44 years ago.

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I Am Glad I Picked You

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there.
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then that I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you through the door.
Looking at you, I admired your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps, were around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck, I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that waits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts and then, making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body all over....ummmmmmmm,
running them through the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place,
so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in.
Pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in.
You are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

Oh yes, I say to you, I must say grace........

Thank God for Butterball turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving From The Grassy Knoll Institute.

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Hide The Sausage

Holiday Turkey Shoot

Thanksgiving and Christmas were very special times growing up as a lad. You see, we only had turkey dinners on these two days and with seven brothers and sisters, it was a scramble for leftovers the next day. Of course, as always, there was plenty of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and all the fixings the day of the holiday. It was the days after that concerned us.

The day after Thanksgiving and Christmas all the kids would run to the fridge for leftovers. Who am I kidding; we were drooling for some leftover turkey. Sure, the other leftovers were good and complimented the turkey ensemble but the turkey was the prized possession. Problem was, seven kids plus two parents and only one fridge and only a certain amount of turkey leftovers. This meant that the leftovers were gobbled up the day after and we would then have to wait for the next holiday.

This brought on another family tradition. Each child, and parent, would hack off some turkey and hide it some place in the fridge. At first it was simple to find the hidden treasure (Turkey) as it was placed behind milk cartons, behind a Coke bottle, inserted in the Land O Lakes butter box, and in the bottom crisper door. We then became a little more creative and began taping the turkey (In bags of course) to the ceiling of the fridge and behind items that would stay in one place for a while. In time, all hiding places were quickly found and pillaged like Vikings on a drunken binge.

Until I found the ultimate hiding place. Of course, because it was winter, it was cold outside and we had plenty of snow. One time, the day after Christmas, I built a snowman in the backyard. I then carefully inserted the wrapped up turkey in the center of the snowman and filled it in with snow. The perfect icebox.

Several freezing days went by and the turkey and all the trimmings were long gone. It was time to strike. I put my coat on and went outside to play. I immediately went to the garage, got my dads screwdriver, and chipped out the block of frozen turkey hidden in the mid-section of the snowman. Into the house and to the kitchen I went. I turned on the oven to low heat and put in the turkey. Ten minutes later, it was thawed and warm. The turkey was fantastic. Within minutes, several brothers and sisters came in to investigate as the smell of turkey filled the kitchen. Many questions were asked where it was hidden but no answers were offered. I had found the perfect hiding place.

Footnote: The next year, I built another snowman and hid the turkey in the same spot. Several days later I went out for the turkey and dug it out. Like the last year, I went inside and turned on the oven and unwrapped the turkey delight. But something was terribly wrong. As the outer tin foil wrap was taken off, there was only a block of ice and a sandwich baggie with a piece of paper in it.

The note simply said, saw you building the snowman, took a guess and got lucky. Thanks.

It would be years later that my brother George told me he was the one who saw me building the snowman and guessed that was my secret hiding place.

R.I.P. George 11/20/1997

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Return To The Mall

A trip to the Mall. Every teenagers dream huh. The problem? I'm 48 years old. Yet, on a Friday evening I had to make my way to the mall.Yes, I had a plan. Stop and get a quick haircut, then return a pillow that was a gift, get a present for my sister-in-law, (Thinking back now, maybe the pillow would have been the perfect re-gift) and of course get dinner on the run.

The three Pats, (Me, Patrick, my wife Patty, and my son Patrick, hence the three Pats) piled into the Jeep Liberty and began our journey.

The haircut went perfect as Patty went to look for a present for her sister. The boy, young Patrick, not wanting to be there, hung out with me keeping a grip on the pillow for return.

Patrick and I quickly made our way to Penny's, up the escalator and right over to customer service. We were the only ones in line as two customers were being waited on already. A third woman, not helping anyone looked at me and then asked if she could help me. I said that I would like to return a pillow I received as a gift. The saleswoman stopped me right there and said that she couldn't help me but thought that I wanted only to ask her a question. I looked at the boy, then made eye contact with the large pillow in the large box in a large return bag, then back at the saleswoman, and told her that yes, I wanted to return a pillow, and did not want to ask her questions. Even with my new haircut. She said to be patient and wait in line. I thought I was....

Several minutes later it was my turn. At least I hoped it was. Another saleswoman looked at me briefly, waved her fingers at me in a come hither fashion, (Yea baby, my new haircut was turning these ladies on) looked down at her computer and I slowly approached the counter. The Seinfeld episode about the soup nazi came to mind, (No soup for you, NEXT!) and I put the pillow on the counter. I said I would like to return the pillow and have it taken off my Penny's charge. The saleswoman grabbed the bag, opened the box the pillow was in and inspected the contents going as far as squeezing the pillow.

I put my Penny's charge card on the counter and gave the saleswoman my receipt. She grabbed it. I looked at my son and he was smiling a little. I then asked if she needed my credit card and she said "Yea." Thats all, YEA! Not yes, not yes sir, just plain yea. This woman had not made eye contact with me yet. She grabbed my Penny's card and it flew right out of her hand. I and my son chuckled a bit as she tried to retrieve the card.

A minute later, the transaction was complete, I signed my sales slip, and tucked my credit card into my wallet. As I was still standing at the counter, the ink not yet dried on my signature, the saleswoman called out "Next." I looked behind me and there was no one else in line. Who was she talking to? She didn't even say thank you, or have a nice evening.

Well, that went smooth. At this point I was hungry. I met Patty at the food court, our designated meeting point, and we decided on a pizza. Patty was ordering for us and I asked the sales girl what kind of pizza it was as I thought I heard her say a "Sheet" pizza. The sales girl, who couldn't have been more than 18, smiled and said it was a round pizza. I said I thought I heard "Sheet" and didn't want a square pizza, but a round one. Patty stopped the conversation and told me to go sit down, she would take care of the pizza. The sales girl smiled at me and chuckled a bit. I said that I'll be over there sitting down with the boy.

Of course, they forgot our order and we had to wait more than 20 minutes for our pizza.

On our way out of the mall, I was fully expecting to see Rod Serling, creator of the TV Sci-Fi series, Twilight Zone, to be opening the doors for us uttering the words, "Going my way?"

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Riding The Christmas Tree

Looking at the calendar seeing November rapidly fading I can almost hear the gears begin to shift into the high glee of the Christmas spirit. With my vantage point, I can see the traffic congestion, thousands of cars filled with happy shoppers waiting for hours to save 5 bucks on a four-slice toaster.

But this blog ain’t about the lead up to Christmas, it’s the after effects of the holiday season, or more precise, the tradition of taking down the tree. (Rest assured, there will be a very soon blog on the tradition of putting the Christmas tree up, from the old days of going out and cutting down a fresh tree to the current artificial tree scenario we have right now.)

Happy New Year!!! Yes January 1st is here and the tree is still in the corner. Our two wild cats have already picked it clean of all their favorite baubles and trinkets leaving a smattering of tidings and joy scattered throughout the house. You haven’t lived until you see silver tinsel in the cat box. And it didn’t fall in there either. Yet I digress yet again.

The dismantling of the tree and storing it away was always a chore. Taking down all the ornaments that the cats didn’t like and putting them back in their boxes, unwrapping the garland strings and folding it ever so nicely back into its boxes, unwinding the several thousand lights that when at full illumination, burned my retina’s out and I couldn’t see for two full days.

And yes, the lights always seem to get tangled into a big ball and it takes quite awhile and plenty of patience to get them all wound up in the right coiled position so next year when they are unpacked, they are not in a big ass ball.

Finally, the tree is bare and I bring the tree box from the basement and center it in the living room. Taking out the old newspapers from years past that I use to cover the tree, (I don’t know why I do that) I begin with the treetop and it pops right off. I set it on top of the lazy boy couch.
The tree is in sections and comes apart fairly easily. This part takes all of five minutes. I then pack each section carefully in the box, put the treetop in and the poles and the tree stand. I then put the old newspapers on top and tape up the box readying it for its journey and dormant sleep for another year in the basement.

I pushed the tree box to the kitchen door and positioned it in front of the basement stairs. Gently and slowly I lifted the tree box beginnings its journey down the steps. Then it happened. I guess my tennis shoes were untied for I stepped on the laces and tripped and fell right on top of the tree box. A split second later, I was inside the tree box sleeping with the branches, and a split second after that I was riding the damn Christmas tree down the basement steps.

Thump, Thump, Thump, times 15 steps. My heart was pounding and my mind went blank. (My wife says hard to believe huh?) The ride was over in a nanosecond. The box slip safely to a halt about five feet on the basement floor. I jumped out of that box like a Jack-In-The-Box tightly wound. Feeling nothing broken I started to laugh. I sat down on the floor cracking up thinking that this episode would have been perfect for America’s Funniest home movies. Where’s the damn web cam when you need them?

Later that day I told my wife Patty of my most eventful day. She looked at me in shock, asked if I was OK, and then proceeded to bust out in laughter calling me by her pet name she made up for me. “You idiot, you’re lucky you didn’t kill yourself.” Yes dear, but at least the Christmas tree was stowed away for another year and I got a free ride down the steps.

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Credit Card Gift Card

A Grassy Knoll Institute Holiday Shopping Tip

Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday to remember the Pilgrims sitting down with the Indians for a meal. It is now the kickoff day for the holiday shopping season feeding frenzy. Shoppers will flock in droves to the stores for those early bargains, deep discounted items, and door buster one-day only specials. But buyers beware. There is a new gift out there this year. The CREDIT CARD Gift Card. Yes, this gift just recently surfaced the past several years but is deemed to be one the most popular gifts given this holiday season. And the retailers love it.

Lets say you decide to get a $100.00 gift card for the family member on your list that is tough to buy for. After Christmas, said family member happily embarks to the local mall to buy, say, a pair of shoes. He pays $85.40 including tax. He then buys a pack of sports socks, his favorite team for $13.49 including tax. He has spent $98.89 and is happy that he got what he wanted. And, the credit card company is happy for said family member now has $1.11 left on his account and it is very difficult to purchase anything at the mall for that amount.

The credit card company will keep that balance available for approximately 6 months and then clear the account reaping in that $1.11 as profit. Multiply this amount by several million cards and it turns out to be a pretty sweet business venture.

I found this out last winter while shopping. My son had one of those gift cards good at any store in the Southern park Mall in Youngstown, Ohio. He used a good portion of it up and wanted to buy a calendar with the remaining balance. The clerk was unable to see the balance on the card and tried to complete the transaction. The computer beeped back that there wasn't enough on the card. My son tried a lower number and would pay the difference in cash.

He had to try 5 times before the computer would accept the amount entered. And still, my son didn't know how much was left on the card. Now wait a minute for everyone that is going to tell me that there is a website you can visit and enter the card number to see the balance, but when you are already at the mall, its a tough call.

So, what have we learned at the Grassy Knoll Institute today? When giving a monetary gift for Christmas, make it cash, not the gift credit card.

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Circuit City 24 Minute Pledge

If I had a rocket luancher,
If I had a rocket launcher,
Some son-of-a-bitch would die.

Its time to lock and load.
Deck the halls and ho ho ho and mistletoe and all that.
Well, during the Christmas season I was compelled to go shopping for my wife and son. I decided to begin by logging onto Circuit City for some DVD's, Cd's, and X-Box games. I see the big ad splashed across the website,....

(Details: 24 Minute Pickup Guarantee applies from time stamp on order confirmation email until the time order is ready for customer pickup. Guarantee excludes customer wait time in store lines. Offer valid on orders placed at circuitcity.com or by phone during pickup store's normal operating hours up to 30 minutes prior to closing. Guarantee not valid the day after Thanksgiving, 12/26 or 12/27. $25 minimum purchase. One $24 gift card offered per qualifying in-store pickup ticket, which must be claimed at time of pickup and is good for future purchases.)

So hell, yea, I'll shop online and pick it all up in a half hour. This would be great. I had about 20 items I needed. First item up for bid, a DVD movie that I cannot reveal for my wife and son read this blog constantly. And guess what, it wasn't available for customer pickup at the store. I went to the next selection, and the next, and the first four were not available for pickup. I had to have them shipped and have to pay a shipping charge. Only several of the 20 items needed were available to be picked up at the store.

So, damn man, off to Circuit City for some cold shopping. I arrive and happily the store is not very crowded as I easily find a parking spot. Into the store I go with my list of items. I head straight for the DVD section. A young girl, a Circuit City sales clerk asks if I needed any help. I asked if she really meant it for I had a list. (Not a lisp, a list) She said she would be happy to help.

So, I said I need so and so DVD. Off she ran to get it. From several rows over she called out, "Found it, whats next?" I yelled out the next title. This went on for about 15 titles. Then we moved on to several other items that I cannot divulge and she found them quickly. I thanked her profusely and she smiled and said I was welcome and i proceeded to the checkout.

What luck, no one in line. The cashier scanned my items, took the theft stuff off, and bagged my items. My credit card completed the transaction. I then asked why none of these items were available through the website promotion with the ready in 24 minute offer? She said they all were. Since there was no one else in line, I asked if she could look on the Internet and show me. She said they weren't connected to the Internet and couldn't look. I said the computer department had to have at least one computer hooked up to the Internet. I could see that she was ready to become hostile so being in the Christmas spirit, I said thank you and left.

Well, get the Fucking Rocket Launcher out, its damn false advertising on Circuit Cities side. What pissed me off was when I got home, the first thing on the TV is that freakin ad hyping the 24 minute shopping promotion.

The Grassy Knoll Institute politely says bunk......its a lie, a scam, a way to make you pay shipping charges.

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Christmas Memories Of The 1960'S

Way back in the early 1960's, I guess I was around 5 years old at the time, I remember my older brother Jack having an argument with my mother about being bad. Being that it was Christmas time, my mother played the Santa Claus card. She saw that I was watching and listening to the argument and decided to kill two birds with one stone.Mom stopped Jack in mid sentence and said that Santa Claus was listening and he wouldn't like this conversation. After all mom said, he knows when you are bad or good so be good for goodness sakes.

My older brother Jack took a step back, paused a moment, formulated his reply, and then let er rip. He told mom that he was bad last year and Santa still bought presents for him.

That was it. Mom pulled the final trump card with the all to frightening, "Wait till your father gets home" ending the argument with Jack running for cover and with me trying to quietly slink away as to not be wrongly associated with what just happened.

That evening, Jack took all the heat as dad lowered the boom on him. I went unscathed from the episode lucking out.

Several weeks later, Christmas was here and my brother Jack was correct. He had plenty of presents under the tree. Exactly the same amount as me. Hmmnnn. Jack was on to something here. I wanted in on it. Of course Jack wanted something in return. A favor perhaps, money, chores. But that is another story......

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