7/14/2008

My First Holy Communion

I had just endured and survived my first holy Confession on Saturday: (Walk in single line into church on Saturday, sit in pews, wait for red light to go out, watch kid with freshly cleansed soul walk out, walk in confessional box, sit down, wait for priest, tell your sins, lie about a few of them, wait for absolution, get lecture, get absolution, finally, get penance, leave confessional, kneel in pews, say penance, leave church.) leaving me with a clean slate on my soul but not on My Permanent Record. Dare I say I was ready for the next phase of my catholic faith, my first holy communion.

Damn, (Say two Our Fathers and two Hail Mary's) I thought I was ready, but I found out there was actually a class for holy communion. And I had to study and there would be tests. Jesus Christ! (Say another 5 Our fathers and Five Hail Mary's for taking the Lord's name in vain) Seriously, how hard could it be. I have been dragged to church for several years and I did watch what the adults did when it was time for holy communion.

Stand up when it was your row's turn, fold your hands in prayer, get in line, walk up to the priest at the altar, open your mouth, stick your tongue out at the priest, (That was the great part) exchange some secret words, take the host on your tongue, close your mouth, say Amen, turn and walk back in line to your pew, kneel, and say a prayer. I had this down, I didn't need to take any stinking tests or read any books on first communion. I was ready dammit. (Close profanity word, just in case, say three Our Fathers and a sincere Act of Contrition)

Alas, the Nuns had other plans for us. For weeks, we practiced the above ritual. Getting in line, (Like we never had to get in line at school before, lines were our goddamn lives, (Yes, more Hail Mary's) we knew how to get in a line) walking up to the altar, simulating taking the host, and returning to our pews. We practiced day in and day out, took test after written test until we were ready. We even learned new church songs for this festive occasion. Let There Be Peace On Earth is the only song I can remember. Even back then, in second grade, the Nuns told me to sing the hymns very quietly so as to not take the rest of the class out of tune. (Fucking bitch nuns!) (Ten Hail Mary's, Ten Our Fathers)

That Sunday morning, I prepared for church, and being that it was my first communion, I wasn't allowed to eat anything an hour before church. Damn, (Two Hail Mary's, Two Our Fathers) I was screwed. I didn't have time to get dressed and eat breakfast. I went hungry. Instead of eating, I had to put on my new shoes, new dark blue navy pants, white shirt, and clip on blur navy tie. Even for church, I had to wear a goddamn uniform. (Just keep saying the Rosary for penance)

When we arrived at church, the nuns herded all the first communion kids into the back hall of the church. We were ready to demonstrate that after two months of practice, we could walk down the aisle in a single file line. (Very impressive. But you are not a Jedi Knight yet!)

A few minutes before the show got on the road, the nuns opened a small canister that contained the thin white wafer hosts. The nuns said these were un-blessed and were to be used as practice hosts. WTF! (A solid Act of Contrition please) Apparently, as the story went from the nuns, several years back, a first holy communion kid almost choked to death when he received his host from the priest because it stuck to the roof of his mouth and he panicked causing him to spit the body of Christ out of his mouth. Luckily, the altar boy caught the host with his paten (Plate) before the blessed host hit the ground.

Anyway, the nuns said we were to practice with these ones before we went live. Of course mine got caught on the roof of my mouth. I didn't spit it out though. I used my tongue to slowly move it and un-stick it from the roof of my mouth. (All you Catholics know exactly what I mean.)

A minute later, the main event was on. All of us slowly began our march up the church aisle hands folded in (Steeple prayer mode) and promptly took our place at the front of the church.

Thirty minutes later, it was our time. Ready to accept the body and blood of Christ for the first time. As I approached the altar and kneeled I made sure I didn't stumble or fall off the kneeler as I stayed perfectly still. The priest made his way down the altar like an assembly line worker. I could hear him saying over and over again, "The body of Christ," as if he were asking us a question not making a statement.

About two kids away, I thought about the body and blood of Christ and a moment of terror filled my mind. I forgot all about the "Blood" part. The bible story about Jesus changing water into wine popped into my head and I wondered if the practice water based host I had earlier would taste the same as the blood version. I was about to find out.

My turn was here. The priest approached me, whispered, "The body of Christ" and I correctly answered "Amen," opened my mouth, stuck out my tongue and received the host. I got up, returned to my pew, kneeled and said said my communion prayer.

I was now a full fledged Catholic. A member of the gang. I was wondering if I got to vote now on church hymns and Gospel passages. (I wasn't) Instead, I was treated to a first communion breakfast and afterward, I had a small family party, sort of like my birthday.

The next week, when communion time came, I strolled up with the rest of the adults, kneeled down and waited for the priest to come my way. Being the old pro I performed the ritual without a glitch. However, I was stuck at the kneeler. My right knee had slipped between the dividers and I was stuck. Damn! (Three Hail Mary's and three Our Fathers)

Using the railing I pushed with all my might and in doing so lost my balance and although I didn't hit the ground I looked like I was drunk doing the humpty dance trying to regain my balance. I got several snickers from the congregation and a death stare from my mother. Several nuns on the side also gave me the evil eye. Even out of school I was getting in trouble with the god damn nuns. (Five Hail Marys)

Next Sunday would be better. I swear!

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

45 comments:

  1. Oh I had to go through the very same ordeal! Except we never had a practice host. What a great idea! :D

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  2. did mine so many yrs ago ... and then lapsed

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  3. That was me holding you down. I almost won that battle.

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  4. A "practice" host... priceless!

    And, there was definitely a "bread" song for first communion (but alas, I cannot remember the hymn).

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  5. Yea, it was something about breaking bread, I cannot remember. I only remember, let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. With every breath I take, let this be the moment now.....
    Blah blah blah

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  6. That was a funny story. I am glad you didn't choke on the body of Christ.

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  7. I knew something was up when you had to wait an hour before you could go to communion and my mother always made me wait an hour after I ate before I could go back in the swimming pool.

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  8. Tina, You need to run away from the Arizona commune.

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  9. WTF Tina? What church does this? Is this still done in America?

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  10. Tina, you are not for real. I have found your similar style posts on Wikianswers, Yahoo Answers, a Chicago Forum, and several other places. The typing style and language is WAY too similar not to be the same person. Your age is a lie, your story is a lie, and I dare say your sex is also a lie.

    For the record, I am a Reverend and have my MA in religious studies. I know the teachings of other religions and denominations. The Catholic Church does not require teenage girls to wear diapers, and you trying to start a rumor that they do is morally repugnant.

    Get your hormones back in check and leave these people out of your diaper fetishest fantasies!

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  11. What an interesting string. Yes, I came across a similar post on a moms site in Chicago and I was a little incredulous. The person who posted it claimed to be the mother of a girl who recently had her first communion. I asked what parish it was but haven't heard back yet. I was born and raised Catholic and am reasonably familiar with the traditions, and I'd never heard of such a thing. I do suspect it is the same person-much of the wording is identical, as is the mention of "family traditions", and even the misspelling "parrish". I do suspect it's all a single person with a strange fantasy he/she is trying to act out.

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  12. I agree Rachel. I am also Catholic, survived 8 years at Catholic school in the 1960's. I never heard of these so-called traditions. It must have been a full moon out when she posted her comments.

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  13. God, I hope no one uses the Grassy Knoll Institute as a reference source for fact. :)

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  14. lotgk and rachel,victoria is an admitted adult baby.she said so in another forum.even tho she may be a minister,can you trust what someone who is an adult baby says?

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  15. Another Anon5/30/2009 7:53 PM

    Fetishists are untrustworthy in general, even if they are a bit weird. But *this* one is off his/her rocker, that's for sure.

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  16. I can tell grade school is out for the Summer.

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  17. Over the one who is (you), who tries to pretend not to be...yeah, of course. Those who are open about their fetishes tend to be very trustworthy sources of information. It's the ones who hide, the ones who try and cover up their fetishes that are the most untrustworthy (again, you). Especially when you start trying to manipulate other folks and interest groups for your own sordid little interests. You seriously need to go and see a psychologist man. When your fetish reaches a point where you start trying to look for ways to inflict it upon other people...yeah, you've crossed a line there, you need psychiatric help. Especially considering that those you're looking to inflict your fetish upon are young, UNDER AGE girls.

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  18. I'm sorry, but I need my Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring to understand your cryptic comment. Could you please explain again?

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  19. Sorry, but my posts aren't catered towards the 5th grade reading level, you'll have to find an adult (preferably college educated) to help you out there, kiddo.

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  20. Of course they are not. However, you begin your comment with "Over the one who is (you), who tries to pretend not to be…yeah, of course." So yea, your reply is nonsensical at best.

    What say you all comment police?

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  21. I believe he/she meant one if by land and two if by sea.

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  22. I'm with you lotgk, the comment was directed at someone else not on the page. It was nonsense.

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  23. Well I have no idea what you guys are seeing but I replied directly to a person's post and my view shows it directly threaded right under that post, so it should be plainly obvious what it's about and who it's directed to if you follow the thread continuity. If it's not appearing in context to you, well, sorry, but it's not my site, I have no idea what the problem is, maybe the site only works properly on certain browsers.

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  24. You must be seeing the site differently than I am, this is what I see: fur-affinity.org/Scraps/Threaded.png

    Should be plainly obvious who I'm replying to since the reply is put directly under and indented from the original. It's called "threading", and if you follow the threading context then you should have no problems at all following the conversation. Maybe the site doesn't appear correctly on your browser/OS combination?

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  25. You replied directly to comment #20. Posted by Anon. He/she said.
    "lotgk and rachel,victoria nicole little is an admitted adult baby.she said so in another forum.even tho she may be a minister,can you trust what someone who is an adult baby says?"

    That is what you replied to with your incoherent blather.

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  26. Methinks she was reading another site and mistakenly selected the reply button here, hence, the nonsense comment.

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  27. Don't confuse her with logic.

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  28. Man, that diaper shit is sick ass folks. Sick ass.

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  29. Diapers scare you that bad, eh? Did you have a bad experience? LOL

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  30. ...?

    *shakes head*

    Either you have the reading comprehension of a five year old, or you have some nth level sequencing issues, or you're on drugs. I'm not sure which, but surely you can't be so fucking slow that you couldn't figure out that "Anon" is just "Tina", really poorly disguised. I mean if you're that easily fooled I'd say they must have been pretty successful in their half ass social engineering attempts to get the lessers to believe that some churches actually use diapers in their ceremonies.

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    Reply By LOTGK
    Mipsus, Anon is not Tina. The two names have two completely different IP addresses from two different parts of the country. I guess that leaves egg all over your face. You see, I'm not that slow, in fact, it was one of the first things I looked at in this comment thread.

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  31. Mipsus Said in an above threaded reply:
    ...?

    *shakes head*

    Either you have the reading comprehension of a five year old, or you have some nth level sequencing issues, or you're on drugs. I'm not sure which, but surely you can't be so fucking slow that you couldn't figure out that "Anon" is just "Tina", really poorly disguised. I mean if you're that easily fooled I'd say they must have been pretty successful in their half ass social engineering attempts to get the lessers to believe that some churches actually use diapers in their ceremonies.

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    Reply By LOTGK
    Mipsus, Anon is not Tina. The two names have two completely different IP addresses from two different parts of the country. I guess that leaves egg all over your face. You see, I'm not that slow, in fact, it was one of the first things I looked at in this comment thread.

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  32. OK Mipsus, your last two comments went to spam, you have multiple NSFW photos on the link. Here is what you didn't win.

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  33. is it a full moon out tonight. The trolls are out in full force.

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  34. Yes, the trolls are netting up today, but it is the most humorous when they attempt to escalate discussions. Especially after they find out that the site is the home of the 99 cent conspiracy theory. Oh well.

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  35. Actualy its a fact that in some Roman catholic comunities a diaper is a part of theyre outfit, basicaly befour disposable they were dressed in other stuffs that reminded of youth, and yh i know its fucked up, but hey, u guys devote ure life to some sort of allmighty creature called "god" and by my standards thats even more fucked up

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  36. What Roman Catholic community?

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  37. god, I love the Catholic church.

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  38. This sound like unreal are you telling the truth

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  39. It is unreal. It cannot be true, not even for the Grassy Knoll Institute.

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  40. Two different IP addresses? Um, apparently the owner of this site doesn't know what proxy servers are. LOL

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  41. That may be so. However, I do know an Ass Clown when I see one and your comment proves it. :D

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  42. WHAT AUTHORITY SAYS WEAR DIAPERS AND WHY? WHAT PARISH?

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  43. Bill, that question has been asked, they do not answer because there are none.

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  44. My eldest son's First Communion is in May. I just ordered my First Holy Communion invitations yesterday.

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