The Irish speak English. Not the kings English, not the American English, but a dialect all their own. Sometimes you must pay close attention to what they are saying and many times what the commentator is saying has a completely different meaning to others. Here are some examples.....
At a women's weightlifting tournament:
Next up is Shannon O'Malley... I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing.
At an Irish horse race event:
Tis really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
At a soccer championship game:
He's pulling him off! The manager is pulling his
captain off!
Soccer player interview:
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Announcer At Ireland's race speedway:
The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it
which is identical.
Interview at a charity event:
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Commentator at boxing event:
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none
of them serious.
Irish TV Weatherman:
If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again.
At an Irish football game:
"I would not say he is the best left winger in
the Premiership, but there are none better."
Commentator at a boat race:
Ah, isn't that lovely indeed, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.
Commentator at an indoor track meet:
O'Toole has four fastest 1500-meter times ever. And all those
times are at 1500 meters.
Commentator at soccer field:
Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field.
Commentator reporting the news:
"And later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
Irish betting:
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
Irish observation at a soccer game:
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in
the air for even longer."
Irish interview with a retiring sports star:
"What will you do when you leave the sport of soccer? Will you stay in soccer?"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Showing posts with label legends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label legends. Show all posts
3/17/2008
Irish Comedian Hal Roach Passing
Hal Roach, Ireland's finest comedian, spins some yarns about the people of Ireland and how we walk and talk and conduct business. enjoy.
This Irish fella Murphy walked into a Macy's store and asked the sales clerk to show him the cheapest suit in the store.
The sales clerk replied, "You're wearing it."
Did you hear about the Kerry man who was disqualified at the annual tug of war contest?
He was pushing!
When reading the Irish obituaries, sometimes you have to read very carefully as certain words have different meanings.
Example:
To my husband Shamus O’ Shawnessey, May he rest in peace, Until we meet again!
Sometimes when the Irish talk amongst themselves, we answer a question first, and then we ask it. Examples:
You won't be having a drink with me will ya Paddy?
You're not going out are you?
Have you not gone home yet? (As he sees me at the bar)
I was traveling in County Mayo late one evening and stopped outside a little boarding house. I knocked on the door and a second later the top floor window opened and a woman yelled down, "What do you want so late in the evening?" I asked, "Could I stay here for the evening?" The woman yelled down to me, "YES!" and then closed the window.
Addendum:
Sadly, Hal Roach, Ireland's international comedian, passed away this morning, February 28th, 2012. Mr. Roach was 84 years old.
May he have been in Heaven an hour before the devil knew he was dead.
I'm sure the first question he asked St. Peter at the pearly gates was, "Is that yourself?"
This Irish fella Murphy walked into a Macy's store and asked the sales clerk to show him the cheapest suit in the store.
The sales clerk replied, "You're wearing it."
Did you hear about the Kerry man who was disqualified at the annual tug of war contest?
He was pushing!
When reading the Irish obituaries, sometimes you have to read very carefully as certain words have different meanings.
Example:
To my husband Shamus O’ Shawnessey, May he rest in peace, Until we meet again!
Sometimes when the Irish talk amongst themselves, we answer a question first, and then we ask it. Examples:
You won't be having a drink with me will ya Paddy?
You're not going out are you?
Have you not gone home yet? (As he sees me at the bar)
I was traveling in County Mayo late one evening and stopped outside a little boarding house. I knocked on the door and a second later the top floor window opened and a woman yelled down, "What do you want so late in the evening?" I asked, "Could I stay here for the evening?" The woman yelled down to me, "YES!" and then closed the window.
Addendum:
Sadly, Hal Roach, Ireland's international comedian, passed away this morning, February 28th, 2012. Mr. Roach was 84 years old.
May he have been in Heaven an hour before the devil knew he was dead.
I'm sure the first question he asked St. Peter at the pearly gates was, "Is that yourself?"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Irish Hospital Charts - Be Very Afraid
Ireland has free health care to all it's citizens. And by reading some of these hospital charts, I can see why.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Patient has exhibited occasional constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Patient has exhibited occasional constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/16/2008
An Irish Fairy Tale
Shannon O'Malley wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Shannon sits weeping in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Shannon with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." We all know what happens after these balls now don't we Shannon. And what would the priest say when he sees you in church?
Shannon agrees and asks what the second condition is.
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Shannon nods and agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.
Of course, 2:00 am comes and goes but Shannon doesn't show up! Finally, at 5:00 a.m. when the cock is crowing, Shannon shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!"
Shannon, still panting, replied, "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything and we had a wonderful time after the ball."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! I demand that you tell me his name!"
Shannon replied, I can't remember his name exactly,... It was Peter, Peter, something or other eater."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." We all know what happens after these balls now don't we Shannon. And what would the priest say when he sees you in church?
Shannon agrees and asks what the second condition is.
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Shannon nods and agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.
Of course, 2:00 am comes and goes but Shannon doesn't show up! Finally, at 5:00 a.m. when the cock is crowing, Shannon shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!"
Shannon, still panting, replied, "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything and we had a wonderful time after the ball."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! I demand that you tell me his name!"
Shannon replied, I can't remember his name exactly,... It was Peter, Peter, something or other eater."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/15/2008
The Essential Irish List
As by now you more than likely guessed that I am Irish. If you haven't, then you must be English....
Anyway, the following is my Irish list. A sort of best off Ireland.
My Favorite Irish Singer:
Van Morrison. Brown Eyed Girl.
U2 - Rock and roll from Bono and Edge for decades now and still going strong.
Enya - Just because of her Celtic voice and haunting melodies.
Irish Rovers - Yes, the unicorn song.
Favorite Irish Actors:
Colin Farrell. Best in S.W.A.T. and Daredevil.
Liam Neeson. A Jedi Knight and a teacher to the Caped Crusader Batman.
Pierce Brosnan. Bond, James Bond.
Favorite Actress:
Maureen OHara. Her role as Kate in the Movie "The Quiet Man" was made for her.
Favorite Irish Movie:
A Quiet Man. Starring John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. A glimpse into old Irish country. Pretty funny story with plenty of beautiful scenery and Irish Catholic stereotypes.
Leprechaun. Yes, a Sci-Fi spoof about an evil Leprechaun on a killing spree after a group of people steal his pot of gold.
Favorite Irish Song:
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Danny Boy.
Favorite Irish Comedian:
Hal Roach. "Write it down, it's a good one."
Dennis Leary. "Can I just buy coffee flavored coffee?"
Favorite Irish Dancer:
Begrudgingly, Michael Flatly, Lord of the Riverdance.
Aww, who am I kidding. I hate Lord of the dance.
Favorite Irish Beer:
Guinness (Is there any other?)
Favorite Irish Ship:
Alas, tis was the Titanic. Several of my relatives attempted to cross the Atlantic on that ship. Alas, third class passengers didn't have much of a chance to survive.
Favorite Irish Saying:
"Is that yourself?" When seeing someone you know.
"Shut up lest ye be feelin the back of me hand!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Anyway, the following is my Irish list. A sort of best off Ireland.
My Favorite Irish Singer:
Van Morrison. Brown Eyed Girl.
U2 - Rock and roll from Bono and Edge for decades now and still going strong.
Enya - Just because of her Celtic voice and haunting melodies.
Irish Rovers - Yes, the unicorn song.
Favorite Irish Actors:
Colin Farrell. Best in S.W.A.T. and Daredevil.
Liam Neeson. A Jedi Knight and a teacher to the Caped Crusader Batman.
Pierce Brosnan. Bond, James Bond.
Favorite Actress:
Maureen OHara. Her role as Kate in the Movie "The Quiet Man" was made for her.
Favorite Irish Movie:
A Quiet Man. Starring John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. A glimpse into old Irish country. Pretty funny story with plenty of beautiful scenery and Irish Catholic stereotypes.
Leprechaun. Yes, a Sci-Fi spoof about an evil Leprechaun on a killing spree after a group of people steal his pot of gold.
Favorite Irish Song:
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Danny Boy.
Favorite Irish Comedian:
Hal Roach. "Write it down, it's a good one."
Dennis Leary. "Can I just buy coffee flavored coffee?"
Favorite Irish Dancer:
Begrudgingly, Michael Flatly, Lord of the Riverdance.
Aww, who am I kidding. I hate Lord of the dance.
Favorite Irish Beer:
Guinness (Is there any other?)
Favorite Irish Ship:
Alas, tis was the Titanic. Several of my relatives attempted to cross the Atlantic on that ship. Alas, third class passengers didn't have much of a chance to survive.
Favorite Irish Saying:
"Is that yourself?" When seeing someone you know.
"Shut up lest ye be feelin the back of me hand!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/14/2008
Nookie Green Irish Humor
To kick off the St. Patrick's Day weekend holiday, I offer an old family joke told over and over this time around St. Patrick's day.
When our family gets together, and there are a lot of us, we sit around the dinner table and tell old jokes. This is one of my favorites. Don’t stop me if you’ve heard it already, I have to much fun telling it again and again.
Father Flanagan enters the confessional ready to listen to the parishioners confess their sins. He hears the door creek open and a male voice begins to speak…..
“Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.” Father Flanagan, hearing almost the same confession just the day before from Paddy begins to realize that Nookie Green is becoming very popular with the male parishioners. Then, he tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go now and say three Hail Mary’s and three Our Fathers.”
Soon, another man enters the confessional and begins, “Bless me Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.” This time Father Flanagan simply has to ask — “Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new widow woman in town,” the sinner replies. “Very well,” says the priest. “Go now and for penance, say ten Hail Mary’s and ten Our Fathers.” With that, the priest leaves the church wondering, what’s going on with this widow named Nookie Green?
The next morning in church Father Flanagan is preparing to deliver his sermon,when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is a shiny bright green and way too short, and she is wearing matching shiny emerald green shoes, and a green boa.
Father Flanagan and the alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green outfit, sits there with her legs slightly spread apart. Father Flanagan turns to the alter boy and whispers, “Is that Nookie Green?” The alter boy, breathing hard, squints his eyes and replies; “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”
Happy St. Patrick's Day To Ye
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
When our family gets together, and there are a lot of us, we sit around the dinner table and tell old jokes. This is one of my favorites. Don’t stop me if you’ve heard it already, I have to much fun telling it again and again.
Father Flanagan enters the confessional ready to listen to the parishioners confess their sins. He hears the door creek open and a male voice begins to speak…..
“Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.” Father Flanagan, hearing almost the same confession just the day before from Paddy begins to realize that Nookie Green is becoming very popular with the male parishioners. Then, he tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go now and say three Hail Mary’s and three Our Fathers.”
Soon, another man enters the confessional and begins, “Bless me Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.” This time Father Flanagan simply has to ask — “Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new widow woman in town,” the sinner replies. “Very well,” says the priest. “Go now and for penance, say ten Hail Mary’s and ten Our Fathers.” With that, the priest leaves the church wondering, what’s going on with this widow named Nookie Green?
The next morning in church Father Flanagan is preparing to deliver his sermon,when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is a shiny bright green and way too short, and she is wearing matching shiny emerald green shoes, and a green boa.
Father Flanagan and the alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green outfit, sits there with her legs slightly spread apart. Father Flanagan turns to the alter boy and whispers, “Is that Nookie Green?” The alter boy, breathing hard, squints his eyes and replies; “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”
Happy St. Patrick's Day To Ye
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
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