12/25/2013

Merry Christmas From Thunder Cat Newman

Thunder Cat Newman Trimming The Tree
Thunder Cat Newman Trimming The Tree
We have two cats. One of them is named Storm. He is a big 27 pound, yes I said 27 pound cat. Storm keeps to himself unless the food dish is empty and God help us all when that happens. (Psst! He's a 27 pound cat, he can afford to go several hours without a meal if you know what I mean) Just last night apparently I had the audacity to leave the food dish empty before I went to bed. Around 4am Storm barged into our bedroom making the door hit the wall stop and jumped violently onto our bed.

Now I was awake, but I settled back down to sleep. Storm had other plans. After several large gutteral meows that sounded like the cat was meowing in tongues I rolled over to see what the Hell was the matter. There was Storm Cat starring me down. I asked him what was the matter like he was going to answer me but my only response was several more meows backed by sort of growling. I rolled over and ignored him. Storm Cat jumped down and left the room.

About ten minutes later Storm once again jumped on our bed. However, this time, no meows, but he moved to another tactic. Storm walked to the top of the bed and crawled over my pillow making sure that his paws made contact with my head. I always thought cats were nimble little minx's but not Storm. Storm made several passes over my head until I jumped up and once again asked the bloody cat what he wanted. No response. No surprise. He jumped down and left the room. Since I was up I decided to follow him and see just what the cat does in the middle of the night. He led me right to his food dish. It was empty. The freakin cat wanted to eat at 4am in the morning. I filled his bowl and went back to bed.

We also have another cat, a 4.5 pound female named Thunder Cat Newman. (Thunder Cat is pictured above tangled up in Christmas tree tinsel.) Thunder Cat loves to help trim the Christmas tree and never, ever, jumps on our bed and wakes us up with wild meows and head crawling. Never! Ever!

Guess who my favorite cat is?

Merry Christmas from the Grassy Knoll Institute.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/22/2013

Stopping By Woods

Christmas Tree Farm
Christmas Tree Farm
Today is the 5th anniversary of the passing of my Father. I am looking over at the fireplace with our Christmas stockings hanging waiting for Santa Claus to arrive. Removing my glasses to enhance the twinkling lights on the tree. Our 4.5 pound pet Thunder Cat Newman is curled up sleeping on her blanket surely dreaming of hunting big game in the wilds in our back yard. And myself, I find myself thinking about Christmas pasts with my Father.

In the 1960's, artificial tree's were a novelty, not many families had them, and certainly not ours. Oh no, we had the real McCoy. Every year in mid December, Dad would embark on a sojourn to find the perfect tree for our family. I loved going with him. We usually drove out to the Christmas tree farm way past Western Reserve Road. To a six year old, Western Reserve Road was a far drive. As we turned left on Route 626 the scenery changed to farm land. Twenty minutes or so later we arrived at the tree farm.

Dad and I would survey the rows of tree's on the farm and select the perfect one for us. Dad would always ask me which one we should take. I always picked the tree Dad wanted as he would inject subtle hints along our search to steer me to the right tree. (This one has no bare spots, the branches were solid, the needles weren't brittle, the size was right, etc) Dad would pay for the tree and we would tie the tree on the roof of our car and return home.

Most of our tree's were ceiling height, (8 Feet) and roughly six feet wide. The tree would dominate our living room for the two weeks with the fresh scent of pine wafting through the house. We couldn't wait to help Mom and Dad decorate it but before the decorations were brought up from the basement, Dad made sure he secured the tree so it would not fall.

The standard ritual was to cut the bottom of the trunk to make it level to sit in the tree stand upright. Second, Dad would tie several wires to the center of the tree and then attach the wires to small anchors on the floor boards on the two walls the tree sat against. With 7 children, the tree had been on the ground several times throughout the years. The extra anchorage insured the tree would stay upright.

The heirachy of tree decorating began with dad. He would untangle the string lights by laying them in rows on the living room carpet. Again, with 7 children running around, it was a lucky day when bulbs were not stepped on breaking them. I was the string tester. I would plug a string into the wall outlet and if they worked, I would drag them over to the good side of the room. If a string would not light, I would check each bulb to make sure they were all screwed in tightly. Most of the time that was the cause of the faulty string. Once the testing was complete, Dad would begin to string them on to the tree.

Starting from the top, Dad would wind the lights around the tree dropping down a few inches working his way down. I would have the next string in hand ready to hand them to Dad as he walked on carefully placed kitchen chairs around the tree. As he worked his way down, I would yank the chairs away and keep feeding him the light strings until the last light was placed. Dad would walk to the far corner of the room and stare at the tree to make sure his handiwork was true.

The second phase of the trimming of the tre was the tinsel. I placed the kitchen chairs back in place in front of the tree and Dad begun to rope the tinsel around the tree as he had done with the lights. In less than ten minutes, the tinsel was on and it was time for the bulbs.

Mom took over with the bulbs. Each child had their own bulb with their name emblazoned on it. Mine was a silver bulb with red lettering spelling out Patrick. Each child placed their own bulb on the tree. I remember once I dropped my bulb and it shattered into a hundred pieces. I was devastated. Seeing this, Dad quickly grabbed a large silver bulb from the box, took out a black magic marker and wrote my name on the bulb. He said it was my new bulb and Mom would add the glitter to it later. He told me to pick a place on the tree to hang it.

The last thing to complete the tree trimming were the icicles to hang on the branches. My sisters would gently place piece by piece the icicles carefully. My method was to throw a handful at close range at the tree and watch them float in the air and settle on the branches.

The tree was now completely trimmed and immediately we began another tradition. We would all take our shoes off and rub our feet on the carpet and approach the tree and slowly stick our finger out towards the icicles. Once your hand connected with the icicle, you would get a static shock and even hear a loud "ZAP" in the air. The more you rubbed your feet on the carpet, the stronger the shock you would get. Each of us took a turn and then we would see who could get the loudest spark.

One final game was a classic game. It was called I'm thinking of a bulb. One of the brothers and sisters would describe a bulb on the tree offering clues as to which one it was. The other kids would guess which one it was.

Those were the days my friends. The entire family huddled in the living room, seated on the couches, all the lights out except the Christmas tree lights, interacting as a family.

Merry Christmas Dad,
Rest In Peace.

And miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/11/2013

Santa Claus Reindeer Exact Revenge

Santa Claus Christmas Eve Flight Path
Santa Is In For A Big Surprise
As the Christmas holiday quickly approaches, a classic story comes to mind.
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house...
No, no, no, not that story.

Twas Christmas Eve and Santa Claus was in the middle of making his rounds delivering toys to all the boys and girls in the world. With security systems armed in many of the residences Santa began running behind schedule.


Santa began to push his team of eight reindeer and implored them to fly faster and faster. After about 3.5 million homes later, the Reindeer were getting exhausted but Santa paid no attention. He pressed the Reindeer shouting their names, "On Dancer, on Prancer, on Comet and Cupid."


The Reindeer curved on the horizon to pick up speed and listened for Santa to shout out the next house to land atop of. The Reindeer gently glided to a halt on top of the next house. Santa Claus quickly jumped out of the sled, picked up his sack of toys and shimmied down the chimney.


As soon as Santa hit the floor, he noticed the smell, and loudly screamed up to the Reindeer, "No you dummies, I said the Schmidt house. The Schmidt house!"


The Reindeer had exacted revenge.


Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.





LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

12/02/2013

Walking Dead Governor Is Not A Biter Yet

walking dead governor is not dead
The Governor Is Not A Biter Yet
News Flash:
After watching episode #8 (Too Far Gone) of AMC's series The Walking Dead, the Grassy Knoll Institute has uncovered concrete evidence that the Governor is not really dead but very much alive. The Talking Dead episode hosted by Chris Hardwick and guest Robert Kirkman, (Creator of The Walking Dead) confirmed my findings.

Let me explain. In last nights episode, when the Governor was choking the life out of Rick, Michonne ran him through with her Katana sword. The Gov fell onto his back, mortally wounded, but not dead. Michonne was leaving the "Biters" to complete the task. As the biters approached closer and closer, Lilly appeared, looked down on the still alive Governor, aimed a handgun at the Governor, and with her arm noticeably shaking, fired her gun.

So, the Governor is dead right? Wrong! Here is my evidence.

From the show, we did not see the governor dead. Perhaps Lilly missed. Understandable with her hand shaking so much. Perhaps Lilly had a change of heart and did not shoot. There were plenty of gun shots occurring at that time. Perhaps one of them just happened at the exact time Lilly was ready to fire. And that leaves the Governor alive. Yes, severely wounded, but alive.

Robert Kirkman confirmed in the Talking Dead program that when the producers kill off a main character like Hershel played by Scott Wilson, it is an intense death scene. (Hershel getting his head hacked off by the Governor needing several blows to complete the task) So how did the Governor supposedly die? By a gun-shot to the head that was not shown on camera by Lilly, a new character with no real history on the show. I don't think so.

The Governor is alive, severely injured, but alive. He will surface next season. With a new ally. An ally named Carol.

ADDENDUM: Photographic evidence that the Governor survived the attacks. Governor Proof Of Life


LURKING, WE CONTROL YOUR TV SET ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/26/2013

Christmas On The Grass Knoll

No No You Dummies - I Said The "Schmidt" House! The Schmidt House
The grassy Knoll Institute wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Below are my Christmas related posts from all the Grassy Knoll Institute categories with plenty of photo’s and humor.

Christmas Archives Below:
Thunder Cat Newman Trimming The Tree
Santa Claus Reindeer Exact Revenge
A New And Improved Leg Lamp
Santa Claus Is A Mormon
Merry Christmas From The Bad Guy
The Ursuline High School Band (Circa 1942)
General Patton’s Prayer For Good Weather
A Parrot For A Gift
Award Winning Christmas Lights
The True Meaning Of Christmas
Bumpuses Sons A Bitches
A Christmas Story Movie Quotes
Most Popular Christmas Decoration In Minnesota
Happy New Year 2010
Lost Update: Island Of Misfit Toys
On the 11th Day Of Christmas
A Ticket To Ride (Christmas Humor)
On The 10th Day Of Christmas
On the 7th Day Of Christmas
On The 5th Day Of Christmas
On the First Day Of Christmas
Black Friday Thought Screen Helmet
Happy Thanksgiving
Christmas In July
Electric Socks And Christmas Trees
A Line In The Sand
Triple Dog Dare Video
Triple Dog Dared Stripper Pole
Top 10 Christmas Programs
Merry Christmas From The Grassy Knoll Institute
Santa Claus Conspiracy
The Mad Ice Scrapper
I Won A Major Award
Santa Clone Conspiracy
You Know Its Christmas Time When
Happy Thanksgiving Tradition
I’m Glad I Picked You
Hide The Sausage
Return To The Mall
Riding The Christmas Tree
Credit Card Gift Card
Circuit City 24 Minute Pledge
1960′s Christmas Memories
LURKING, MERRY CHRISTMAS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/13/2013

Vikings Are On Double Secret Probation

ponder-on-double-secret-probation
Your Delta Tau Chi Name Is Flounder
Point of parliamentary procedure:

Little did Viking House realize that they were on double secret probation since early September. Dean Spielman had great expectations this year but after the Vikings midterm exams, scoring a dismal 2-7 record, talk has now shifted to a top draft choice next spring. Right after all the toilet seats explode in the dormitory.

What? Over? Did you say "Over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is!

 For the past three weeks since the Ponder pine riding, Ponder has dare I say, put up respectable numbers. Against Green Bay, Ponder completed 67% of his passes, rushed for 38 yards and a touchdown and recorded an 86.4 passer rating. Against Dallas, he completed 68% of his passes, passed for a touchdown, rushed for 29 yards and a touchdown and recorded an 82.7 passer rating. Against the Redskins, he completed 81% of his passes, passed for two touchdowns, rushed for 13 yards and a touchdown and recorded a 113.1 passer rating.

Some advice: Start drinking heavily.

With that said, I am aware of what the TV bobble-head analysts are saying:
Ponder was a reach. Ponder locks in on his primary target, takes to long to get set in the pocket, leaves the pocket way to early, takes his eyes off the field when forced out of the pocket, does not see the wide open receivers, hasn't passed for over 240 yards this season, etc. Ponder is all but run out of town.

As a die hard Viking fan I have seen this movie before. As recently as the Tavaris Jackson years. All that talk that he is "Thee" guy to take the Vikings to the next level. And then three years later, some guy named Favre replaced him and ran Jackson out of town. And still no Super Bowl ring.

And now we have the new "Guy" in Josh Freeman. The big armed quarterback that will vault the Vikings to the top...

Thank you sir may I have another. WHACK! Thank you sir may I have another. WHACK!

TOGA... TOGA... TOGA...

SKOL VIKINGS!
minnesota vikings icon

LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/31/2013

Happy Halloween 2013

Cool halloween effects and props
Happy Halloween 2013
All the leaves are dead,
And the sky is black.
I've been for a walk,
On Halloween night.
I'd be safe and warm,
If it weren't Hollows Eve.
Halloween nightmare,
On such a witching day.


It's 12 midnight and Halloween is officially over and in the books. Here in Youngstown, Ohio, the weather did not cooperate as it rained during the witching hours of trick or treat. The rain had washed the magic out of the air.

As usual these days, kids have lost the art of trick or treat. Many of the several hundred kids that braved the rain still could not grasp the concept of trick or treat. They walked up to the porch and just looked at me. They did not open their bags. Or say trick or treat. Or make any type of motion. Many of them reminded me of a young Michael Meyers from the Halloween movie fame. The small child staring blankly into space, not saying a word.

Anyway, only 22 days left to go. It's been a long ride but it's almost here. And thank you all.

Happy Halloween


LURKING, IN THE SHADOWS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Because Its Halloween

Bill Fuckin Murray
In honor of Halloween, its Bill Fuckin Murray!!! The coolest zombie on the planet.

LURKING, IN THE SHADOWS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL