Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

11/05/2007

And Jupiter Aligns With Mars

And Jupiter Aligns With Mars
The recent bizarre weather patterns, or lack there of have not gone unnoticed at the Grassy Knoll Institute. Since the onset of winter in December of 2002, the seasons seem to be blurring together. This winter in the states, the weather was much more severe than in many years past. It seemed to snow almost every day and the temperature was constantly below freezing. As spring began to blossom, the same strange pattern occurred. Precipitation.

Yes, it usually rains in spring, but the rainfall was far above the average and the temperature remained unseasonably cooler than normal. The same pattern as spring gave way to summer. It rained constantly. More precipitation than in years past and the temperature was at least 10 degrees cooler than normal.

Many cities and towns were deluged with what is referred to as “The hundred year rain cycle" flooding streets, rivers cresting, and destruction of property in the hundreds of millions of dollars. This not only happened once, but twice in less than three weeks time. Two ferocious storm patterns with the intensity of the hundred-year rain wreaked havoc causing F.E.M.A. to take action declaring many states disaster area’s after the second storm hit.

Heavy rainstorm systems are not the only peculiar events this season. These storm systems have produced more tornadoes and hurricanes so far this year than ever before recorded in history.

Earthquakes have also increased during the same time period with many dormant fault zones becoming alive again with tremors registering sizable movement and damage.

As strange as it sounds, volcano eruptions have increased in the same time frame and the famed Yellowstone National Park also showed a huge jump in seismic activity leading scientists to believe that this hot bed area will soon erupt and change the landscape of Yellowstone. The last large eruption in Yellowstone was approximately 60,000 years ago and it is due for another gigantic eruption.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has been analyzing all these strange patterns and has come to the realization that there is no conspiracy coverup involved even as some rumors abound about the Government conducting weather altering experiments actually being able to control the weather as they see fit. To this theory, the Grassy Knoll Institute simply says...BULL.

There is a much simpler yet deadlier explanation to the strange weather patterns. One simply needs to look into the night sky for the answer. Search for the moon in the sky. Now, look to the right of the moon. Do you see that bright red shining object? The object that wasn’t visible to the naked eye a mere month ago. That object is the planet Mars. The fourth planet from the sun, our celestial neighbor, and it has come to pay us a visit.

On the 27th of August in 2003, Mars was the closest to Earth than it ever has been in the past 60,000 years. The planet Mars for the next 10 years will become "Close" neighbors with Earth. Approximately every 60,000 years Mars orbit moves in a much nearer approach towards Earth and will continue to be visible in the night sky until late October 2013. Coincidentally, the last time Yellowstone Park had a gigantic eruption was 60,000 years ago. Coincidence, the Grassy Knoll Institute thinks not.

The Grassy Knoll Institute believes Mars is the cause for the strange weather patterns we are having all around the globe? Mars is changing our seasons as it comes closer to the Earth? Mars is cooling the oceans creating weather changes turning dry areas into wetlands?

Does Mars have this power? When we look at the moon and the power it has over our oceans causing high and low tides with it’s gravitational pull, one would tend to believe that a planet the size of Mars would also have an effect on our oceans that determine out weather conditions. Mars, like the moon, has tremendous gravitational pull and with the combined pull of both the moon and Mars on our tectonic plates near earthquake fault lines, certainly the increase of earthquakes and tremors throughout the world can be attributed to this.

Beginning on the 28th, August 2003, Mars slowly began to start to move away distancing itself back to its regular orbit of more than 30 million miles away. This move will take up to ten years. The speed in which Mars returns to its orbit will be gradual ensuring an early fall season and a harsh, wet and cold winter. This pattern will continue for 10 years.

Epilogue:

Perhaps 50 million years ago, the dinosaurs looked up and gazed upon a strange light in the sky. Perhaps Mars inched even closer to Earth that time. Perhaps close enough to change the entire globes climate, sending the Earth into an ice age sealing the fate of the dinosaur. The Grassy Knoll Institute will keep its eyes focused skyward.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

11/01/2007

Pre-Cana Marriage Classes

Pre-Cana Marriage Preparation Conference

The Pre-Cana Marriage Preparation Conference is for engaged couples planning to be married in the Catholic Church and referred by the priest/deacon or marriage coordinator. A full day is created which will enable you to have an opportunity to discuss honestly with each other your strengths and weaknesses in family living, communication, finances, Christian sexuality, the Sacrament of Matrimony and your role in the Church and society.

Doesn't sound so bad, until you actually go to the conference. My wife Patty and I went 6 months before we were to be married. We went begrudgingly to satisfy our Parish priest. Our Pre-Cana was not a conference but a series of classes.

Part One, The Meet And Greet.

Patty and I arrived at the church rectory and waited patiently for Father Vince to enter. Soon father Vince entered and we all sat around his desk engaging in some small talk. Father seemed to want to get right down to business. He began by explaining that he would be asking questions that would give him some insight into our lives and the ability to evaluate the strength of our love and dedication to one another.

Part Two. The Envelope.

The very first question asked was how much money I made each month. I looked over at Patty and replied, "I make enough". This did not satisfy our priest. Again, he probed, saying it was important to talk about finances to prevent unforseen money problems. I politely replied that we had discussed finances and both of us were in agreement that we could live on our salaries comfortably. We understood about utility bills and that I have been living away from my parents for a while and knew about rent payments, cable TV, and food bills.

Once again, father Vince said that he needed to know how much money I made so that he could evaluate our finances for himself. At this point, I became a little agitated, knowing where his questioning was leading. He wanted to know how much I made so he could calculate his cut for the Sunday envelope offering. I told father Vince that it was none of his business and to move on with the interrogation, err...questions.

Part Three. The Test.

After surviving the financial part, the next part had to be a breeze. What could be worse? I would soon find out. Father Vince said we were now going to take a compatibility test. Patty would take her test in the waiting room down the hall and I would stay with father Vince in his office and take mine there. I was thinking 10-20 questions. WRONG! This test had 300 questions. Everything from finances, furniture taste, to what we would name our children.

Several hours later, I had finished and wouldn't you know, Patty had to and walked in as I was bringing my test booklet to fathers desk. We were told to talk amongst ourselves while he graded our tests. Now I was pretty confident for I was a pretty good test taker and Patty said she knew all the answers right away. A little while later and father Vince began to speak. His tone was very stearn and direct. He said that in all his years conducting these classes, he had never seen test results such as ours. Out of all 300 questions, we didn't miss a single one. We had answered exactly the same. I was feeling pretty good at this time thinking that our test scores spoke volumes of our compatibility and that we were perfect for each other. Then the magic was broken. Father Vince asked if I had cheated. Taken about, I said how could I have with him sitting in the same room as me. He simply couldn't accept that we had tested perfect.

Part Four. The Second Session.

As our first class concluded, father Vince shocked me when he said that there would be four more sessions to prepare us for marriage and that we were to meet back at the rectory next week. The discussion would be on living together as a married couple and sharing responsibilities.

I could see that the battle lines had been drawn. I had to go on the offensive. No way could I survive another class. I quickly lept in and pointed out that as a priest, father Vince really had no perception on married life since he lived as a bachelor his entire life. I saw the opening and continued. I added that since my parents were married for many years and had seven children that I should be asking them for marriage advice instead of from a bachelor who has no bills and lives in a house paid for by the church. Father Vince sensed my advantage and slowly backed off. This would be the last class we would attend.

Part Five. The Departure And The Irony.

Two weeks before we were to be married, father Vince had a lapse in faith and decided to leave the church. He then quickly got married and moved out of the area. I was sort of hoping that he would have to go through the same Pre-Cana classes that Patty and I had to endure. I think I would have put a little extra in the Sunday plate if I could have seen that!

PS. We are going strong on 22 plus years of wedded bliss. I guess the test scores were correct.




LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/31/2007

Internet Virus Conspiracy

The Grassy Knoll Institute Reveals An Internet Virus Conspiracy

Another wave of Internet virus strains are infecting millions of computers. The previous headline is becoming common place in the computer age in which we live. Billions of dollars and valuable resources are being spent to combat and deter these virus outbreaks. Yet, after one strain is brought under control, another more powerful and destructive one erupts in the electrons of cyberspace forcing an unending vicious cycle of perpetual doom and gloom to consumers and manufacturers alike.

The MYDOOM virus is an excellent example. MYDOOM attacked the vulnerability of Microsoft powered computers through back doors and cracks in the firewalls. The virus sent a denial of service to a specific website effectively shutting down the site. The computers infected with MYDOOM virus were turned into slave drones and forced them to send that website millions of emails that overloaded the server effectively shutting down the site. And this happened to Microsoft, one of the most powerful software companies in the world.

What is my point you ask?
Many think that these virus strains are merely prototypes, tests if you will, on the Internet backbone and are a prelude to a much broader scale of terrorism via the Internet. MYDOOM virus infected millions of computers in just 48 hours. Could it be that each new strain has an added feature to test certain area's of the Internet structure, learning and building a better virus vehicle on the way. Perhaps the next strain will be more powerful and affect more than just one website and deny service to critical business agencies.

Some also believe it is a prelude to the coming of the antichrist. It fits all the criteria set.

The Grassy Knoll Institute will be watching.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Vanguard Of An Invading Army

Strange and unexpected happenings are occurring on Pluto, our most distant planet in the solar system. Pluto is the focal point of many scientific studies and conjecture as of late. Vast amount of equipment and resources are being expended on Pluto and the Grassy Knoll Institute wants to know why.

The Grassy Knoll Institute has obtained these facts so far on our distant planet. Like Mars, Pluto is closer to Earth than it has been in many years. Pluto is just now beginning to move away from the sun and the Earth returning back to its regular orbit. Pluto's atmosphere is also getting thicker even though it is moving away from the sun. In fact, the atmosphere is now so thick it completely obscures the surface of the planet.

Adding to the mystery, NASA has had the Hubble telescope trained on Pluto for over a year now snapping pictures as fast as it can focus. Many of the images show small disc like objects entering and exiting the planets atmosphere. These discs are coming from outside our solar system and do not have an orbit pattern. NASA has claimed that these so-called objects are merely dust particles that have been magnified by the suns closer proximity to the planet. NASA then immediately classified all the data incoming from Hubble and the radio telescopes that monitor sound wave and transmissions.

The Grassy Knoll Institute believes that these discs prove that life exists outside our solar system and these discs are actually alien ships using the planet Pluto as a space warehouse. If this is true, then the question begging to be asked is what are the aliens on Pluto doing and why are they amassing supplies and more and more ships there?

NASA plans on launching a probe to the planet in late 2006 to study the new thick expanding atmosphere and to discover the true identity of the discs surrounding Pluto. The only problem is that the probe won’t reach Pluto for more than 13 years from now.

Does NASA know more than they are telling?

Does NASA possess another Mars face type photo?

Is the government already covering up this monumental discovery of potential proof of life outside our own Earth's boundary?

Or, like War of the Worlds, is this the vanguard of an invading army?


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/25/2007

Shark Sinks Boat

Great White Shark Capsizes Fishing Boat
Great White Shark Capsizes Fishing Boat
Shark Attacks Fishing Boat!

Just when you thought it was safe to go fishing again, alien sharks attack. An estimated 35 foot great white alien shark sank a fishing boat off Martha's Vineyards this afternoon. No survivors were reported.

The photo above shows the shark breeching onto the boat using it's massive weight to capsize the boat. Being the beginning of spring, the Grassy Knoll Institute believes many more such alien shark sightings will appear.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/23/2007

Great White Shark Attack

Great White Shark Downs Jet Fighter
Great White Shark Downs Jet Fighter
On a routine mission over the Bermuda Triangle, a jet fighter pilot was attacked by a 35 foot super great white shark. The shark breeched out of the water and lunged at the jet narrowly missing it.

A Coast Guard patrol team was dispatched by the Grassy Knoll Institute to capture the great white shark, but as of today, the shark has not been captured or seen.

Sarah, A concerned citizen, stated and I quote, "Hi wow what a shark. I love sharks. If you capture it please don't kill it. Its just like you and me. I think you should test it for science and find out stuff. Well bye bye good luck! Sarah!"

Our reply was simply: Sarah, we at the Grassy Knoll Institute share your beliefs concerning great white sharks. And we did capture it, and we did several tests on it, and we found out that sharks are quite delicious.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/20/2007

Lochness Monster Surfaces

Lochness Monster Surfaces
Lochness Monster Surfaces
LochNess Monster Surfaces

Exciting news out of the Grassy Knoll Institute today. As you are reading this, top secret film footage with audio of the legendary Loch Ness Monster is being rushed to the secret lair of the Grassy Knoll Institute Laboratories.

Upon delivery, the Grassy Knoll Institute will work diligently in developing and studying the film to bring you the footage before any other news source can. This process should take several days. Please check back soon to see the footage.

LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/15/2007

Shark Attack On City Street

Great White Shark Attack On City Street
Great White Shark Attack On City Street
Shark Attack On City Street

The Grassy Knoll Institute reports that a 30 foot great white Shark surfaced during a Flash Flood on a washed out backstreet at Ft. Meyers Beach, Florida.

As a neighbor waded into the street to help a stranded motorist, the great white shark attacked. Several eyewitnesses, Steve, Nancy, Frank, and Jack, snapped this photo just before the attack.

News At 11......



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Toilet Seat Shark Attack

Toilet Seat Shark Attack
Toilet Seat Shark Attack
Residential Shark Attack

Just when you thought it was safe to do a little reading in the library...

Great White Sharks are in the news again as one surfaced this week in a Rosemont, Illinois residential household. The occupant at the time barely escaped injury as he lept from the toilet in the nick of time. However, he did say the episode scared the crap out of him.



LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

4/01/2007

Real Father Of Anna Nicole Smiths Baby


I am the father of Anna Nicole Smiths baby daughter Danielyn. Anna was so easy, even I could do her.

Geico insurance is preparing a commercial to air during sweeps week.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL


Bill Clinton Hires New Aid

Take Aim Billy!!!

With his wife Hillary hard at work on her presidential campaign, former president Bill Clinton decided to prepare for another run at the white house and hire a personal secretary for his needs. After many one on one interviews, Bill had found the best qualified.At least with her special attributes, there won't be any stains on her dress.


LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL



10/15/2004

Famous Last Words

Famous Last Words Gone Bad

#001 I'll get a world record for this...
#002 Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
#003 Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
#004 It's fireproof...
#005 Godfather, why did you kiss me on the cheek?
#006 So, you're a feminist? Isn't that precious?
#007 Gee, that's a cute tattoo...
#008 Don't worry, he's probably just hibernating...
#009 I'll hold it and you light the fuse...
#010 Don't worry, I saw this done on television...
#011 I regret that I have only one life to give for my country.
#012 What duck?
#013 What does this button do?
#014 These are the good kind of mushrooms...
#015 We need a bigger boat....
#016 Happy birthday Mr. President....
#017 Then let them eat cake...
#018 Pull the pin and count to what?
#019 This won't hurt a bit...
#020 Which wire am I supposed to cut?
#021 No one's ever escaped from the Rock...
#022 How fast can this Vette go anyway?
#023 Blue! No, wait, Yellow, Ahrggg....
#024 Anyone got a match?
#025 I'm making a citizens arrest...
#026 Rosebud....
#027 It's probably just a rash...
#028 She's dead.....Wrapped in plastic...
#029 Are you sure the power's off?
#030 The odds of that happening are a million to one...
#031 Hey, there's no handles inside these car doors.
#032 Hey, that's not a violin...
#033 I'm melting.....melting....melting...
#034 Why is the rest of the Star trek landing party wearing a different color uniform?
#035 I wonder where the mother bear is?
#036 I am the walrus...goo goo ga joob....
#037 What's that priest doing here?....
#038 What's that smell?
#039 Here's my Kent State student ID card....
#040 What do these buttons do?
#041 What plane?...
#042 This planet has an atmoshere just like on earth...
#043 Now, let's all stick together....
#044 It's a cook book.....
#045 This doesn't taste right....
#046 Watch this....
#047 Vulcans never bluff...
#048 Nice doggie...
#049 Don't worry, I'm an expert...
#050 I think I just saw Charles Manson...
#051 Now I lay me down to sleep...
#052 This house ain't haunted...
#053 The Lord is my Sheppard...
#054 OK, this is the last time....
#055 That birthmark behind your ear looks a lot like 999...
#056 Phasers on Stun...
#057 Houston, we have a problem...
#058 Where's the instruction manual?...
#059 Give me liberty or give me death...
#060 I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...
#061 Fire what cannon?....
#062 Don't be so superstitious...
#063 No way will it ever rain for 40 days and nights...
#064 That's odd...
#065 So, do you fell lucky punk?...Well....Do ya?...
#066 I have, and shall always be,....your friend...Live long and prosper.
#067 I know a shortcut...
#068 Nero, do you smell smoke?
#069 Who's all those men in black suits and dark glasses?
#070 I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second...
#071 Is that a black helicopter?
#072 Where's the brakes on this thing?
#073 Don't worry, we'll make the jump...
#074 Here's your recon report General Custer...
#075 I'll get your bagel out...
#076 That sign says Area 51....
#077 I've done this before...
#078 It'll hold us both...
#079 I can make this light before it changes....
#080 Is that a train whistle?
#081 I can do that with my eyes closed...
#082 No, my shoes are not untied...
#083 What do you mean, I'll be back...
#084 Let it down slowly...
#085 Alas poor Yorok...
#086 Oh Ruby,.....Don't take your love to town...
#087 OK, I'll make your day wise guy....
#088 Guilty, Your honor...
#089 I got's to know.
#090 Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
#091 With God as my witness....
#092 She's a witch...
#093 It looks like it's clear sailing from here.
#094 What a useless scroll. It says, HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR over and over again."
#095 "Click?? ...This doesn't come with ammo?"
#096 "Let me handle this."
#097 "That's only a statue"
#098 "You jump down and distract him, and I'll shoot him."
#099 "Don't be silly. If this was really the ship's "Self-Destruct Button", do you think they'd leave it lying around where anyone could press it?"
#100 "Hmmm...the sign on the door says, "AIRLOCK". I wonder what's inside."
#101"They can't see me. I'm invisible!"
#102 "All clear, guys."
#103 "What do you mean, I hear water?"





LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

10/04/2004

R.E. M. - Not those Guys

For all you know, the hideous hell you are living in is merely a dream, an illusion, mere minutes of R.E.M. sleep state.
Safely asleep, tucked away in a warm bed in a small sleepy hollow town. Content to be manacled to your pitiful 9 to 5 job at the local employer. Imagine the horror when you finally awake and realize that your dream is actually reality, and reality is a mere figment of your imagination.
Now ain't that like losing your religion.
PLEASANT DREAMS.....From the Grassy Knoll Institute.





LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

9/30/2004

Worst Songs Ever Recorded



The Grassy Knoll Institute compiled the following list:
The worst songs ever recorded

Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes.
You all remember, this is the second video that the new MTV music network played on its cable channel.

MacArthur Park by Richard Harris
Someone left the cake out in the rain,....and I'll never have that recipe again, oh no!!!!!

Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
Sorry Ice, you became a laughing stock.

Father Figure by George Michael
I won't be your father figure put your tiny hand in mine.....

Watching Scotty Grow by Bobby Goldsboro
The sequeal to Honey, see the tree how big its grown....

Silly Love Songs by Wings
Sorry Sir Paul.

Norman by Sue Thompson
Can only remember the words Norman, da da da da da d a da something, Norman,....

Boogie oogie oogie by A Taste of Honey
Get down, boogie, oogie, oogie were the only words I believe.

The Night Chicago Died by Paper Lace
Cheesy tune about Al Capone and someones daddy being a cop on the East side of Chicago.

Beach Baby by First Class
From July to the end of September, beach baby, beach baby, beach baby....

Emperors Clothes by Sinead O'Connor
Giving speaking in tongues a whole new meaning.

Informer by Snow
Real fast lyrics of nonsense. Here is a sample...."You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame A licky boom-boom down' Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane A licky boom-boom down"

Rico Suave by Gerardo.
A horn supposedly that was to be sexy, sounds like a dump truck backing up.

She Bangs by William Haung
His 15 minutes of fame was up, now his song lives like "Night of the Living Dead"

Muskrat Love by Captain and Tenille.
A love song about a gerbel. Need anymore be said.

I've never been to me by Charlene
She's been to paradise, but shes never been to me.... And your point?

Disco Duck by Rick Dee's.
The death knell of disco.

Torn Between Two Lovers by Mary Mcgregor
A smarmy marmy tune sung off key.

Havin My Baby by Paul Anka
Just hate it. Couldn't tune the dial fast enough.

Strawberry Letter 23 by Brothers Johnson
It took him 22 previous attempts to write this...."Stained window yellow candy screen, See speakers of kite (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah) With velvet roses diggin' freedom flight (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah) A present from you (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah) Strawberry letter 22 The music plays I sit in for a few (ah, ah, ah, ah...)(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...)"

Run Joey Run by David Geddes
And to think Madonna had a remake in her papa don't preach tune."Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to meDaddy please don't, we're gonna get married...just you wait and see."

Bicycle Race Queen
Nice bell. Thats about it.

Mambo #5 by Lou Bega
Incessant melody that drives me crazy.

Billy Don't Be A Hero by The Heywoods
Well, he became a hero and died.

Feelings by Morris Albert
Most sung song on the gong show. Need more be said?

Cars by Gary Numan
In cars, duhn, duhn, duhm, da, da , da duhn, in cars. Great lyrics. Not!!!!

Lime In The Coconut by Harry Nillson
These lyrics speaks volumes...In what language I don't know."Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime, His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up, And said, "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache? I say, Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?"

Magnet and Steel by Walter Egan
This one was made of tin and it didn't stick...

Sylvias Mother by Dr Hook
Who cares about her mother especially when he's whining about her?

Rapture by Blondie
Well, just read these lyrics...."Fab Five Freddie told me everybody's high DJ's spinnin' are savin' my mind. Flash is fast, Flash is coolFrancois sez fas, Flashe' no do. And you don't stop, sure shot. Go out to the parking lot. And you get in your car and you drive real far. And you drive all night and then you see a light. And it comes right down and lands on the ground. And out comes a man from Mars. And you try to run but he's got a gun. And he shoots you dead and he eats your head. And then you're in the man from Mars. You go out at night, eatin' cars. You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too Mercurys and Subarus. And you don't stop, you keep on eatin' cars. Then, when there's no more cars. You go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet. Face to face, dance cheek to cheek"

Heartbeat by Don Johnson
Stick with Miami Vice Don.

Superbowl Shuffle by Chicago Bears players
Tainted a superbowl victory.

Fernando by Abba
Yes, we hear the drums? Wish We didn't.

Mickey by Toni Basil
Never look at cheeleaders quite the same.

Saturday Night by Bay City Rollers
Saw them at Idora Park. Last gig they ever had.

Tutti Fruitti by Pat Boone
Sure signs that Viagra has affected him.

Towin The Line by Rocky Burnette
I'm tired of listening dude. Cut the line already.

All By Myself by Eric Carmen
Wish he kept this song to himself.

Radioactive by The Firm
You're radioactive? Now what?

Anything by Kenny G

I Was Made For Dancin by Leif Garrett
But not for singin.

MmmmnBop by Hanson
Can't wait for their greatest hits album.

Chuck E's In Love by Ricky Lee Jones
Cats being tortured.

99 Red Balloons by Nena
She got a great body.

Anything by Art Garfunkel

Paper Roses by Marie Osmond
Utah's first family, Donny and Marie....

Which Way You Goin Billy by Poppy Family
The sign post up ahead...The Twilight Zone.

I Found Love On A Two Way Street by the Moments
But lost it on a lonely highway. DOA.

Telephone Man by Meri Wilson
Hey lolly lolly, get it any way you can. Oh god, make it stop.

Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by Will Shatner
Ship.......out.......of.......danger......Beam me up Scotty, there's no talent here.

Betcha By Golly Wow by Stylisitcs
This is something someone would say while watching a porn movie.

Dont Call Us Well Call You by SugarLoaf
They're still waiting for the call.

I'm Not In Love by 10cc
The original boy band. You're not a hit either.

The Show Must Go On by 3 Dog Night
Never thought I'd hear carnival music in rock and roll.

Tip Toe To The Gas Pumps by Tiny Tim
God rest his soul. He peaked on Carson and bottomed by the end of the show.

I Think were Alone Now by Tiffany
Still afraid to go to the mall.

Dont Worry Be Happy by Bobby Mcfarren
Not even Robin Williams could bail this song out.

Anything by Slim Whitman or Box Car Willy.

These are the nominee's. All worthy to be the worst song ever. Did I miss any? Send along a reply to vote for your favorite worst song or add to the list.





LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

9/24/2004

The Elevator

Another sound was just heard overhead. Could it be that they have returned? Maybe it was just a stray Tom cat or mangy dog scrounging for food. At that point, it was very difficult to determine reality from illusion. Maybe I should just come out of hiding and get it all over with. That's what they want anyway. To find me. To Kill Me.They have been hunting me ever since they obliterated the earth and enslaved the population. It was inevitable that one day they would find me. It has been 41 days since I have ventured above ground and soaked in the warm rays of the sun. Instead, I have chosen to survive, if you call it that, living in a burned out basement of a long since abandoned building. In a flash, a loud piercing bell sounded.

It was an elevator bell. Unaware, I was somehow teleported and was now standing inside a moving elevator. Trapped like the proverbial rat. Oh my god, they have finally found me. Panic and anxiety set in. "Excuse me sir," the elevator operator inquired, "You did say the 13th floor didn't you?" I panicked. I pushed the operator out of the door, formulating my escape route, knowing that for at least today, this moment, they would not get their prize, their feast, their trophy. I chanted over and over as I ran from the complex, "I will survive one more day."

"What's his problem?", the operator said to the bystanders. One of the others spoke up and said, "You know those traveling salesmen and how high strung they can be making cold calls."





LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL