10/06/2007

Catholic Nun Habit

Sister Mary left Hook
  Grassy Knoll Institute Verses 1960's Catholic Nuns.

The Alpha-Omega. It was 1965, September, Youngstown, Ohio. Little did I realize that my battle with a pack of wild Catholic nuns would begin the moment I stepped into the classroom in first grade. The battles would be epic against this black robed gang and now after 40 plus years, these tales can finally be revealed.

The era in which I speak of was the 1960's. When Nuns were Nuns. Not like they are today. But mean, nasty, sneaky, and vicious, with goddam excellent aim.

Back in 1965, during first grade, there was one particular nun named Sister Ann Teresa. She was our teacher. She looked to be in her mid-twenties, which was really old to my six year old standards. Sister Teresa, like all the other nuns that I ever saw, came dressed in the exact same uniform of the day. They were all were dressed in black robes. Perhaps skirts or dresses, but they looked like robes. The robes had very deep pockets enabling the nuns to conceal chalk board erasers and other dangerous projectiles. All the nuns had Rosary beads looped around their waist dangling on the right side. All the nuns wore black shoes and stocking or socks.

And of course they all had that same hat that they wore. It was called a habit. The habit looked like a black flat hat that covered the nuns entire head with a thick white collar wrapping around their forehead. A veil topped off the ensemble and covered all the nuns hair. Hell, you couldn't even see the nuns ears.

But let me tell you. They could hear better than dogs. Dare to talk in class and be prepared to absorb the wrath of the nuns. Usually, when a nun would hear talking or other sins against humanity they would take immediate action. The nun would spin around and fire a chalk board eraser in one fluid motion at your head. Nine out of ten times, it would connect. The one time it would miss the target, it would smack an unsuspecting innocent bystander sitting next to you in the head. Those were the only times I ever saw a nun smile. When they were hurling projectiles at your head.

Anyway, as the school year progressed, I started to become obsessed to know the secrets that lie beneath the nun habit. Was there another pair of eyes under there? A listening device of some sort? More erasers? I had to know what was under there. I began to devise a plan to unlock the secrets and remove the habit from the nun.

After weeks of planning, I set my plan in motion never to look back again. On that fateful day, as we were coming in from recess, I got in behind Sister Ann Teresa and followed her until we almost reached our room. Then, I did it. With one swift fast motion, I grabbed the back of her habit at the base and yanked as hard as I could. I awaited the treasures.

Instead, I was shocked to see that instead of removing the habit, I actually had pulled the nun off her feet and flat down on her back. Little did this six year old realize that the habits were attached to the nuns head by an intricate pattern of bobby pins and hair clips. Hurricane winds would not remove the habit.

My immediate impulse was to flee. And so I did. Down the hall with all the other children looking on in awe. I could hear the other children faintly saying, "He's in for a paddling now." Just like in all horror movies, I should have never looked back for there was Sister Ann Teresa behind me, gaining ground with every second. Joining in the chase were several other nuns, some of them remarkably fast. I now had a gaggle of nuns in hot pursuit. Down the one hall I ran and up the steps to the other. I had no idea where I was going except to out run the nuns. In a minute, I was finally cornered by the pack of nuns. I was surrounded. I wanted to blurt out, "You'll never take me alive," but instead, in a very shrill voice, I said, "I'm sorry Sister. I just wanted to see what was under there!"

I received absolutely zero sympathy from the nuns. One nun grabbed my arm and led me to the principles office who also happened to be another nun. A conspiracy indeed. I would not be getting a fair trial on this day. I was escorted to the inner sanctum of the office and told me to sit quietly and stay still.The nun seemed to take great pleasure in calling my parents in front of me telling them about the heinous crimes I committed against Christ and of the many hours of detention in church I would begin serving immediately. I was then released and led slowly back to my class room where I quietly took my seat never making eye contact with the substitute nun in charge of the room at the time.

On the bus ride home that day, all the buzz was about me and how I knocked a nun down and dragged her through the halls and all that. Even the older kids came over to get a good look at me. For about a week, I was a celebrity, one to be reckoned with, one to stay out of his way, until, one day, another kid got stung by a hundred or so bees that he was bothering with a stick at the top of the play ground during recess. I passed the torch to Angelo, the bee keeper. A week later, Sister Ann Teresa did take five minutes at the beginning of the day to show us what was actually under her habit. At her unveiling, I was mildly disappointed. There were no extra eyes, ears, erasers, ammo, or secret tools of the nun clan. Just a bunch of long brown hair.

The conspiracy cover up had begun.....

LURKING RELIGIOUSLY ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

28 comments:

  1. Very entertaining and funny. I grew up in the 80's and the sisters were nothing like this. Even the wardrobe was changed. Many didn't even wear the robe and habit. Some wore just an abreviated version. I'm glad you survived.

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  2. YOUR GOING TO HELL DUDE.

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  3. In a hand basket 3D, in a hand basket.

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  4. I went to Catholic school - and in the South - back in the "60's. We had Daughters of Charity who wore the white cornette instead of the more common veils. It was only after years did I finally find out how their head gear attached. The inner item was a stiff box like thing that was tied on the back of the head by ribbons; next was a white cap that was designed to cover the "box" and fit the head that was pinned here and there, then the starched cornette or bonnet was pinned to that. It worked, nothing short of Hurricane Katrina would even begin to dislodge it.

    I knew the way to survive nuns - I told them I wanted to be a priest - and didn't lie. I even went a step further - I made monsignor before I was 40!

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  5. So Blackwell, were you ever tempted by some of the nuns?

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  6. No-sir -pop! All of the ones I had were old and built like Sherman tanks, except for the one I had in 4th grade. She was in her first assignment. Now that I am educated, I can tell there was something wrong in this woman - she never passed the chance to hit someone - no matter how trivial the offense. I do remember that the pastor told the principal that either she have her moved, or he would have her moved after her second year there.

    As I began my priestly formation, just as there were a lot fewer of us entering the priesthood, so there a lot fewer women entering the convent. Take my word for it, the way most nuns looked, chastity wasn't a problem!

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  7. Sr. Teresa Regina10/12/2008 6:03 PM

    It would be more eact to state that you yanked the Sister's veil. The term "habit" refers to our entire ensemble: tunic, scapuular, cord, veil. You tried to pull her veil off, not the entire habit.

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  8. Typical nun. Still correcting me 40 years later.

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  9. We must have gone to the same grade school. I remeber the nuns as being mean and sort of scary. And always huddling together out in the hallways. These are funny stories, I'm laughing reading this. This is great.

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  10. I hate nuns. Always have always will...they were a pack of cunts...and I do not recall them with any such kindness lots of abuse.

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  11. Nuns today are almost invisible. You cannot recognize them, they are in civilian clothes. Only when they introduce themselves as sister so and so do you realize they are nuns.

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  12. LOL
    Funny stuff though I cannot fathom for the life of me why there is any catholics left in the world as they are obviously working AGAINST GOD in every way , everything about their traditions and practices go against the Bible on which the religion is supposed to be based( Praying to saints and stuff when Jesus Himself said: you shall pray only to your heavenly father , in John's vision The lord( apparently JESUS) says : rise up, kneeling before me is blasphemy , for the glory be to GOD ONLY., They name saints left and right while the bible clearly states that God only knows the names of the saints, they invent holydays taht the bible does not speak of , like christmas which Jesus never asked anyone to observe as holyday in fact the only one he ever mention was easter. The Bible is very clear on one point: You shall NOT elevate yourself to the same level as God, which the catholics do on a constant basis in the person of : the pope like wtf did that come from , God never appointed any pope in fact he was very clear that there are NO intermediary between man and God but his only son : Jesus. The one thing that makes me go wtf the most is all the conquering and killing of natives on the order of catholic officials in the early days of moderm america while the bible is again very clear on that subject: THOU SHALT NOT KILL. So as far as I can tell if anyone is ever going to hell the SCATholics will get there first and have the primo seats, those nuns who beat you up when you were a kid will be the first ones in that fire , thou how could an ever loving, merciless, forgiving God condemn a mortal imperfect being to eternal torment for sins commited during a mortal life? There is most likely more to religions than meets the eye....

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  13. True, they now have stealth mode and can sneak up on you and attack before you can flee.
    Bitches!!! :D

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  14. "Funny stuff though I cannot fathom for the life of me why there is any catholics left in the world"

    We're a tough breed. You would be too if you had to endure 8 years of Catholic grade school.

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  15. Truly funny and I can picture it happening as you describe! I confess . . . (Hmmm - so ingrained)that I am a 'recovering Catholic" I survived 12 years of Catholic School beginning in 1965 and can remember the tranformations of the "habits". I had a couple of nuns that were pure evil - no other way to describe them and by contrast some that just terrific! But isn't that the same in any community that we encounter?

    My favorite tabu memory involving a nun hitting the ground was in my senior year. Two other studnets and I were walking down stairs and our handrails were stainless steel and great for sliding down if done in a 'sidesaddle' fashion. The only problem with this is that you really didn't have much control and once on the way down - you're there for the ride. One of my Classmates hopped on the rail for a wild ride. When he was at the half way point and beyond the point of no return, our High School Principal walked around the corner and she froze at the foot of the banister in opened mouthed shock. She was a prime target! Mark's warnings of "Move Sister!" went unheeded as he crashed into her face first. They both landed on the floor, Sister Virginia Mary (affectionately known to the student body as "The Crow") flat on her back, her briefcase still in hand sputtering and unable to form a coherent word. Mark was sprawled on top of her; his nose just centimeters from hers. His horrified expression frozen on his face as he muttered - "Ss s s s s s orrry Sister!" In the meantime Jaye Ann and I hauled ass back up the stairs and out of sight.

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  16. And Mark was never seen or heard from again....

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  17. Attended Our Lady of Victory School in Floral Park, NY in the sixties. There was a nun named Sister St. Vincent in grade seven. She was there forever and never questioned. She particularly did not like tiny girls and she regularly beat the hell out of my eldest Sister. The Sisters of St. Joseph of Brentwood, NY had some real sickos in the classroom. I remember my Mom talking to my eldest Sister when several kids told their parents about the abuse. Mom told her she was going up to school to get her moved. What did my Sister say? "Nah - I can't give her the satisfaction." Amazing that this went on forever. I hope eventually Sister St. Vincent was brought up on charges - but I rather doubt it. She croaked in 1971. I have to assume she and Satan are sharing war stories.

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  18. Glad to know that our Catholic grade school was not an isolated commune of demented nuns.

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  19. I have to say that in other schools I attended while, yes, there were some demented ones, at least there were a few good ones. Not so at Our Lady of Victory School in Floral Park staffed by the Sisters of St. Joseph in Brentwood, NY. It was staffed by a bunch of sadists. My second grade teacher, Sister Mary Hillary, broke a child's knuckles with a ruler and was sent off to the then (now closed) State Hospital at Islip. Charming, isn't it?

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  20. The important thing is that she fell and that is all that really matters here. I am envious. There were a few that I would have liked to do the very same thing.

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  21. I got plenty of rulers across the knuckles as punishment. I had always fantasized about grabbing the yard stick and exacting revenge.

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  22. :D
    Yes, keep things in perspective. The nun hit the ground and it was very funny.

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  23. I can relate so much. As I look back I ask why did I ever take such crap and not fight back? There is no answer I can give except that conditioning in parochial schools was almost Nazi in nature. I hear it is quite different today, now that schools are pretty much exclusively staffed by lay teachers. Sorry about the knuckles. In Albany many years before this incident it was made illegal to rap a kid on the knuckles in public school - but in private/parochial school back then they could do whatever they damn well pleased.

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  24. Factor in that Nuns controlled our "Permanent Record" that made crossing Nuns a very dangerous thing for Catholic kids souls.

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  25. Yes, they most certainly were in many respects. Generally, there were at least a few that were okay but in two schools I attended they were all pretty horrid and nasty, exactly as you describe.

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  26. At the approach of the 1970's, Nuns became more scarce and actually more humane. I guess I was born a few years to early to enjoy the new Gentler Machine Gun nuns.

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  27. Don't forget to mention Sister Mary ViseGrip fingers...

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