With the Fourth of July rapidly approaching, it is time to examine the uses of an illegal explosive commonly mistaken as a firework device. This device has several names but is widely known as the M-80.
(M-80'a are also known as, Silver Salutes, Cherry Bombs, Pine Apples, Quarter sticks, M-100, M-1000, and blockbusters.)
Disclaimer: M-80's and other like items are dangerous illegal explosives that have been outlawed since 1966 for obvious safety reasons. M-80's and like items are very dangerous and should not be handled or used for any purpose. Especially like the ones listed below.
* Never, ever, ever, ever, light quarter sticks while driving your convertible at night in Mill Creek park casually tossing them up in the air. One can never really judge the wind resistance and velocity of the car and the gravity of said item. The results are an incessant ringing in your ear and a burned up and blown up back seat.
(Try explaining that to your Father the next day)
* Never attempt this scenario: Pound a 3 inch PVC tube into the ground in the middle of the playground. Upon placing said tube, it is not wise to toss a lit M-80 into planted tube followed up quickly with a tennis ball. The results are always the same. Tennis ball in orbit.
* Something not to try at home or anywhere else for that matter is to hollow out a Cloud Penetrating missile and insert an M-80 into the payload section. The results are inconclusive, but with the displacement of the payload and the added extra weight, the missile never flies correctly leaving uncertainty where it will land.
(Usually right on the roof of your convertible)
* FYI: A plate glass picture window cannot survive a blast from an M-80 taped to the center of said glass. Results can vary. The glass always smashes, but sometimes neighbors with shotguns begin pursuit.
(Sidenote: Shotgun blast noise ratio is equivalent to M-80 blast.)
* One thing you should never do is use a high powered slingshot to shoot M-80's at the local police station. Especially after calling in a bomb threat. However, it is rather comical seeing the heat
(The cops) scramble out of the building after a perfect shot to said police building roof.
(Sometimes, the slingshot misfires leaving the M-80 mere inches from your face and body that can cause severe damage)
* For Halloween, pumpkins and M-80's do not mix. Trust me. Stick to soaping windows and toilet papering houses instead. It doesn't matter how fast you can run, you cannot out run the debris of pumpkin guts.
* It is a well known fact that the percussion of an under water M-80 explosion will kill fish making them rise to the top of a lake. There used to be a little lake where the alleged Dare Devil's Club hideout was located. It was back in the woods off to the side of Forest Lawn Cemetery. At the weekly secret meetings M-80's would be lobbed into the lake. A muffled explosion would be heard as a spray of water would shoot up. Moments later, fish would rise to the top.
(Sidenote: Said fish were sometimes cooked. The taste was utterly horrendous.) (Or so I'm told!)
M-80's are loud enough on their own. They do not need any assistance to boost their sound. With that in mind, one should not drop an M-80 into school yard pits,
(The pits were located behind the school, attached to the school wall itself, and were 8-10 feet in depth and approximately 15 feet wide by 20 feet long.) If one were actually in said pit at time of detonation, they would be deaf for a minimum of three days.
WARNING: Smoking is hazardous to your health. Combining M-80's can be lethal. Although it sounds like a James Bond type maneuver, using a lit cigarette as a time delayed fuse doesn't always go as planned.
(No Mister Bond, I expect you to die!) The rationale is shaky at best, but an M-80 wick would be inserted into a lit cigarette and then gingerly placed in the designated blast zone. Several minutes later, while everyone got to a safe distance,
BOOM!, the M-80 would detonate. However, sometimes, police cars and other vehicles would stop over the blast zone.
None of what you just read should ever be copied or attempted. Serious injury or death can and may occur. The members of the Dare Devils Club were / are insane nut jobs. The Dare Devil's club may have been the prototype of the popular MTV program Jackass. Just more dumbass than jackass.
With that being said, my advice is to stay away from all illegal explosives. Shop at reputable fireworks outlets that have been serving the community for years. Do a search on Google for fireworks in your area. Make sure you read the warning labels on all fireworks items. Never mix alcohol and fireworks. Never let children light fireworks. Never carry fireworks around with you. Always have water handy in case of a fire. And for God's sake, please, never do any of the stupid ass things mentioned above.
May The Fourth Be With You!!!!
LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
