Breakfast Of Champions

I was talking to my friend Dave the other day and the topic of eating ants came up. (Dave is a former Special Black Ops Officer so many a bizarre topics come up in discussion) He said that on one of his missions he had no food provisions and he needed to look for alternative sources. He found an ant hill, stuck his finger in the hole and swirled it around until the ants attached themselves to his finger. He then quickly pulled his finger out and ate them. He said he would still be hungry but the protein in the ants kept him going.

Now I'm no Special Ops soldier but I did eat bugs once. A while back I was having breakfast at our old house. I found a box of Mini Wheats and broke out the bowl, spoon, and milk. I poured the milk and went to town on the Mini Wheats. I was very hungry.

About halfway through the bowl, I noticed that my cereal was moving ever so slightly. Upon further inspection, there were hundreds of tiny black bugs infested in the Mini wheats. And I just ate half of them. Did I mention there were hundreds of bugs.

Faster than any Olympic sprinter (Or Michael Phelps swimming towards a Ding Dong) I raced to the bathroom to puke up the nasty bugs. I barely made it throwing up my breakfast of Mini Wheats and hundreds of little black bugs into the toilet. I felt better straight away.

After a few minutes of dry heaving, I came out of the bathroom and immediately took the box of cereal outside and freed the rest of the black bugs left in the cereal box in the back yard. (I should have set the bastards on fire for ruining my breakfast)

Back inside, I called my sister Nancy who is a nurse and told her that I just ate a big box of bugs. She said why on earth would I do that. I told her I didn't eat them intentionally, they were in a bad box of cereal. I asked if the bugs would make me sick and if I should have my stomach pumped or anything.

Nancy told me, "Whatever you do, don't throw up! The bugs will latch themselves to your throat and pinch at your flesh." GOD DAMMIT! Now I was in a panic. I told Nancy it was to late, I already threw up most of the cereal, milk, and bugs. What was I supposed to do now?

Nancy told me to calm down. Eating bugs wasn't going to hurt me one single bit. Not even the large amount I ate. She said as soon as the bugs hit the digestive acids in my stomach they were dead and merely became food. Albeit not good tasting food, but food nonetheless. (I could hear in Nancy's voice her holding back her laughter) I thanked Nancy for the advice and hung up.

For a brief moment, I laughed at what I had just done, and what my sister told me not to do. Growing up with four older sisters and two older brothers should have prepared me for Nancy's advice. I was caught off guard. This time! In the future I will be set to Def Con 1.

BTW, I haven't eaten Mini Wheats since.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL