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| Irish Yoga |
Don't wind up like the trio above. Start
Happy St. Patricks Day!
Showing posts with label irish humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irish humor. Show all posts
3/14/2016
Irish Yoga Training
Don't wind up like the trio above. Start
Happy St. Patricks Day!
3/03/2016
The Irish Are Famous For Their Humor
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| Temple Bar- Dublin Ireland |
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/07/2014
An Irish Fist Fight
Paddy O'Brien walks into a his favorite pub looking like he'd just been in a mighty brawl.
Paddys arm is in a sling. His nose is broken.
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
The bartender Shamus pours Paddy a Guinness and asks Paddy, "What the devil happened to you?"
Paddy exclaims, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."
Shamus is stunned telling Paddy, "That wee little of a man, O'Conner!" "He could not have done that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
Paddy looked up from his Guinness and says, "That he did." A shovel is what he had, and a terrible beating he gave me with it."
The bartender asked, "Well," did you not defended yourself then? Did you not have something in your hand?"
Paddy sais, "That I did Shamus. That I did!" I had Mrs. O'Conner's breast in me hand, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Paddys arm is in a sling. His nose is broken.
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
The bartender Shamus pours Paddy a Guinness and asks Paddy, "What the devil happened to you?"
Paddy exclaims, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."
Shamus is stunned telling Paddy, "That wee little of a man, O'Conner!" "He could not have done that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
Paddy looked up from his Guinness and says, "That he did." A shovel is what he had, and a terrible beating he gave me with it."
The bartender asked, "Well," did you not defended yourself then? Did you not have something in your hand?"
Paddy sais, "That I did Shamus. That I did!" I had Mrs. O'Conner's breast in me hand, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/04/2014
Irish Mental Hospital
As we all know, Ireland has very good medical care including facilities for the mentally challenged.
Just the other day I found myself in the fine city of Dublin walking through the quaint streets and avenues. I came across a mental institution. As I continued to walk past the facility I noticed that many patients were out on the lawn enjoying the mild weather.
All of a sudden I heard the patients start to shout the number 13 over and over again. 13...13...13... Intrigued and being a bit of a busy body I stopped to investigate. However the picket fence surrounding the facility was to high for me to see over. Looking at the fence I spied a small gap in the wood allowing me to bend down and peer through.
Just as soon as I had myself positioned to see, I was poked in the eye with a stick from the other side of the fence. As I was getting up off the ground I heard them all yelling 14... 14... 14...
Luckily there was a eye care center next door. It was doing a brisk business. I took a number, it was 13.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Just the other day I found myself in the fine city of Dublin walking through the quaint streets and avenues. I came across a mental institution. As I continued to walk past the facility I noticed that many patients were out on the lawn enjoying the mild weather.
All of a sudden I heard the patients start to shout the number 13 over and over again. 13...13...13... Intrigued and being a bit of a busy body I stopped to investigate. However the picket fence surrounding the facility was to high for me to see over. Looking at the fence I spied a small gap in the wood allowing me to bend down and peer through.
Just as soon as I had myself positioned to see, I was poked in the eye with a stick from the other side of the fence. As I was getting up off the ground I heard them all yelling 14... 14... 14...
Luckily there was a eye care center next door. It was doing a brisk business. I took a number, it was 13.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/11/2013
An Irish Wedding Blessing
An old Irish wedding tradition can sometimes get dangerous. At the reception, the Father of the bride gathers the attention to give his blessing to the bride and groom and all in attendance.
The blessing goes something like this...
Would all the married men,
Please now go and stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.
At this time, the bartender almost gets crushed to death.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
The blessing goes something like this...
Would all the married men,
Please now go and stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.
At this time, the bartender almost gets crushed to death.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/08/2013
Irish Cardio Workout Sweeping The Nation
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| I Dare You To Look Away |
Dublin, Ireland, a new male fitness craze is sweeping the nation. No, it is not palates, or spinning, nor aerobics, but a much simpler exercise. Men come to the exercise studio, pay a small fee, and step onto a treadmill. In just a few seconds, a large curtain opens and the viewer is exposed to the scene above.
On the average, Men stay on the treadmill 2700% longer than normal increasing their cardio workout thus lending to weight loss and better heart and health condition.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/06/2013
Paddy Walks Into A Pub
A little Irish humor:
Paddy walks into the local pub with a gun and yells out, "Now who be havin sex with me wife?" The pub gets quiet and all heads turn toward Paddy holding the six shooter. In the background of the very crowded pub a voice is heard saying, "You not be havin enough bullets in that gun Paddy!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Paddy walks into the local pub with a gun and yells out, "Now who be havin sex with me wife?" The pub gets quiet and all heads turn toward Paddy holding the six shooter. In the background of the very crowded pub a voice is heard saying, "You not be havin enough bullets in that gun Paddy!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/03/2013
Dark In Here It Is
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| Irish Furniture |
The little boy says, dark in here. The man says, yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No thank you.
Boy: My dads outside!
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250
In the next few weeks the same thing happens again and the boy and the lover wind up in the closet again.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, how much?
Boy: $750
Man: Sold!
A few days later the father says to the boy, grab your glove and ball, lets go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says I cannnot. I sold my baseball and glove. For how much the dad asked.
Boy: $1000 for both.
Dad: That is way to much to charge your friends. For that, I'm taking you to church so father Flanagan can hear your confession.
Both go to church and the dad escorts the boy to the confessional booth, opens the door, tells the boy to walk in, kneel down and wait for the priest. The dad closes the door and sits in the pew a few feet away.
In a few seconds, father Flanagan slides the small window open and waits for the boy to begin his confession.
Boy: Dark in here.....
Father Flanagan: Don't you be starting any shenanigans in here. You are in my closet now.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/02/2013
Irish True Story
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| Scene From An Irish Cafe |
Happy St. Patrick's Day
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/01/2013
Breakfast On St. Patricks Day
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| Green Pancakes For St. Patricks Day |
As usual, the Grassy Knoll Institute will reveal plenty of sexy red-headed women, sexy green bikini's, some Irish humor, (Humour) Irish myths, Irish folklore, and Irish food.
By the time you wake up at 5am on St. Patrick's day to partake in the ritual of consuming green eggs, green ham, and plenty of green beer, you will be stocked with all the Irish heritage knowledge to get you through the day.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/12/2012
A Little Irish Humor
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty terribly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Mick and Seamus were called upon.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he’s burnt pretty terrible. Roll him over." Following orders the mortician rolled Paddy over and Seamus looked at the body and said "Nope, tis ain’t Paddy."
The mortician thought it all rather odd what Seamus had done when Mick walked in to identify the body. Mick took one look at the body on the morgue slab and said, "Yup, he’s burnt real terrible like, roll him over."
The mortician did as Mick commanded and rolled him over and Mick looked down and said, "No, it ain’t Paddy."
Baffled, the mortician questioned Mick, "How can you tell by looking at his backside?" Mick said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes" said the mortician.
Mick declared, "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, people would say, "Here’s Paddy with them two assholes."
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he’s burnt pretty terrible. Roll him over." Following orders the mortician rolled Paddy over and Seamus looked at the body and said "Nope, tis ain’t Paddy."
The mortician thought it all rather odd what Seamus had done when Mick walked in to identify the body. Mick took one look at the body on the morgue slab and said, "Yup, he’s burnt real terrible like, roll him over."
The mortician did as Mick commanded and rolled him over and Mick looked down and said, "No, it ain’t Paddy."
Baffled, the mortician questioned Mick, "How can you tell by looking at his backside?" Mick said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes" said the mortician.
Mick declared, "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, people would say, "Here’s Paddy with them two assholes."
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/10/2012
Irish Humor - Jesus Is My Brother-In-Law
Paddy got in an automobile accident and was taken to a Catholic hospital in Dublin.
After the doctor stitched Paddy up and stabilized his condition, the doctor let Paddy to rest.
A few minutes later a Catholic nun entered the room and asked if paddy were well enough to answer some questions for her. Paddy nodded affirmative.
The nun started right asking, "Do you have any medical insurance?"
Paddy shook his head and said no.
The nun continued, "Do you have any cash money to help pay for your medical bill?"
Paddy again said no.
The nun pried even more, "Do you have any family members to help you settle up your medical bill?
Paddy scratched his chin for a moment and said, 'Why yes, I do have a spinster older sister and she's a Catholic nun just like you."
The nun looked sternly at Paddy and said, "Sir, we are not spinsters, I like your sister, are married to Jesus.'
Paddy looks at the nun and says, "Good then, send me medical bill to me Brother-In-Law!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
After the doctor stitched Paddy up and stabilized his condition, the doctor let Paddy to rest.
A few minutes later a Catholic nun entered the room and asked if paddy were well enough to answer some questions for her. Paddy nodded affirmative.
The nun started right asking, "Do you have any medical insurance?"
Paddy shook his head and said no.
The nun continued, "Do you have any cash money to help pay for your medical bill?"
Paddy again said no.
The nun pried even more, "Do you have any family members to help you settle up your medical bill?
Paddy scratched his chin for a moment and said, 'Why yes, I do have a spinster older sister and she's a Catholic nun just like you."
The nun looked sternly at Paddy and said, "Sir, we are not spinsters, I like your sister, are married to Jesus.'
Paddy looks at the nun and says, "Good then, send me medical bill to me Brother-In-Law!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/05/2012
An Old Irish Prayer
May those who love us, love us;
And those who don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
But if God doesn’t turn their hearts,
May God turn their ankles.
So we’ll know them by their limping.
And those who don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
But if God doesn’t turn their hearts,
May God turn their ankles.
So we’ll know them by their limping.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/17/2011
St. Patricks Day Knitting Fail
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| Irish Knitting Fail |
At least now I can go and rob the ATM without being recognized.
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/16/2011
Failed Irish Icons
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| Celery Man |
It has come to our attention that Mister Seymore Green has made a valiant effort to secure the stalk of celery as Ireland's symbol. We appreciate the effort. However, the Ireland government is not ridgid. We offer a compromise.
If the Minnesota Vikings ever win a Super Bowl, then we will change our iconic shamrock.
Case Closed!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Working With The Lights Out - Irish Humor
Paddy and Mick were working on a local building site when Paddy says to Mick "I can not be bothered working all day. I want to go home." so Paddy climbs to the top of the structure he was working on and hangs upside down on a steel girder. The foreman of the site see's Paddy and comes out of the office and shouts up to him, "Paddy, what the devil do you reckon you're doing up there upside down?"
Paddy looks down at the foreman and says "I'm pretending to be a light bulb!" The foreman scratches his head and yells up to Paddy, "Go home Paddy, you're being stupid today. We don't need you." Paddy climbs down and smiles at Mick as he punches the time clock heading out the door.
Mick decides Paddy had a great idea and tries to follow suit and tells the foreman that he is going home too and begins to put his coat on. As Mick was heading toward the time clock the foreman yells over to Mick, "And where the devil do you think you are going Mick?" Mick replies, "If you think I'm working in the dark that high up you're crazy!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Paddy looks down at the foreman and says "I'm pretending to be a light bulb!" The foreman scratches his head and yells up to Paddy, "Go home Paddy, you're being stupid today. We don't need you." Paddy climbs down and smiles at Mick as he punches the time clock heading out the door.
Mick decides Paddy had a great idea and tries to follow suit and tells the foreman that he is going home too and begins to put his coat on. As Mick was heading toward the time clock the foreman yells over to Mick, "And where the devil do you think you are going Mick?" Mick replies, "If you think I'm working in the dark that high up you're crazy!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/04/2011
Irish Penance
Megan, a bright young girl, had just finished parochial school. After that horrendous ordeal she felt she was ready for anything so Megan shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York. In a very short time, Megan became a successful performer in show business.
As many Irish folk, eventually Megan returned to her home town for a visit and on Saturday night she went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. Father Sullivan was hearing confession that evening and quickly recognized her when she began to speak. Father Sullivan struck up a conversation asking her about her work. Megan explained that she was an acrobatic dancer on Broadway but Father Sullivan didn't quite understand what that meant.
Megan said she would be happy to show him the kind of acrobatic dancing she did on stage. When confession was over, Megan stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, hand springs and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies witnessed Megan's acrobatics with wide eyes, and the one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
As many Irish folk, eventually Megan returned to her home town for a visit and on Saturday night she went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. Father Sullivan was hearing confession that evening and quickly recognized her when she began to speak. Father Sullivan struck up a conversation asking her about her work. Megan explained that she was an acrobatic dancer on Broadway but Father Sullivan didn't quite understand what that meant.
Megan said she would be happy to show him the kind of acrobatic dancing she did on stage. When confession was over, Megan stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, hand springs and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies witnessed Megan's acrobatics with wide eyes, and the one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/17/2010
A Tall Texan In Ireland
A Texan on vacation walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room goes quiet and no one takes of the Texans offer.
Old Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy. The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy goes into action and downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Old Paddy Murphy replies, "Aye, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Old Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy. The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy goes into action and downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Old Paddy Murphy replies, "Aye, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
An Irish Catholic Dog
Sean Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day his faithful dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked Father Patrick, "Father, me dog is dead. Could you please be sayin a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick was taken back and replied, "I'm afraid not Muldoon. We cannot be having services for an animal in the church. Dogs don't have souls. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin what they believe in. Maybe they'll do something for your dog."
Muldoon was dejected and hung his head down low and said, Well then, I best be gettin right over there Father. Do you be thinking $5,000 dollars is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Upon hearing this Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph Muldoon, Why didn't you be tellin me your dog was Catholic?"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Father Patrick was taken back and replied, "I'm afraid not Muldoon. We cannot be having services for an animal in the church. Dogs don't have souls. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin what they believe in. Maybe they'll do something for your dog."
Muldoon was dejected and hung his head down low and said, Well then, I best be gettin right over there Father. Do you be thinking $5,000 dollars is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Upon hearing this Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph Muldoon, Why didn't you be tellin me your dog was Catholic?"
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/14/2010
Five Good Leads From Confession
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| Who Is Nookie Green |
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
Father Flanagan, the Parrish priest recognized the voice as one of his altar boys and asked, "Tis that you little Sean O'Malley?" Sean sheepishly replied, "Yes, Father, it is."
Father Flanagan pressed, "And who was this loose girl you were with then?"
Sean stated, "I cannot tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Father Flanagan whispered back, "Well, Sean, I am sure to find out her name soon enough so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Rooney?"
Sean replied, "I cannot say."
Father Flanagan pressed further, "Was it Elizabeth Casey?"
Sean spoke, "I'll never tell Father."
Father asked, "Was it Patty Mulligan?"
Sean replied, "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
Father continued to press, "Was it Kathy Mannagan?"
Sean softly spoke, "My lips are sealed Father."
Once more, Father Flanagan asked, "Was it Rebecca Muldoon then?"
Sean coyly said, "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
Father Flanagan sighed in frustration. He said, "You are a very tight lipped lad, and I admire that. But you have sinned and now you have to atone. Starting today, you will be relieved of your altar boy duties for four months. Now go back to your pew and say ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers."
Sean slowly walks back to his pew and his friend Mike slides over and whispered, "What'd you get?" Sean whispered, "Four months vacation and five good leads."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
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