Paddy got in an automobile accident and was taken to a Catholic hospital in Dublin.
After the doctor stitched Paddy up and stabilized his condition, the doctor let Paddy to rest.
A few minutes later a Catholic nun entered the room and asked if paddy were well enough to answer some questions for her. Paddy nodded affirmative.
The nun started right asking, "Do you have any medical insurance?"
Paddy shook his head and said no.
The nun continued, "Do you have any cash money to help pay for your medical bill?"
Paddy again said no.
The nun pried even more, "Do you have any family members to help you settle up your medical bill?
Paddy scratched his chin for a moment and said, 'Why yes, I do have a spinster older sister and she's a Catholic nun just like you."
The nun looked sternly at Paddy and said, "Sir, we are not spinsters, I like your sister, are married to Jesus.'
Paddy looks at the nun and says, "Good then, send me medical bill to me Brother-In-Law!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Showing posts with label irish jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irish jokes. Show all posts
3/16/2011
Working With The Lights Out - Irish Humor
Paddy and Mick were working on a local building site when Paddy says to Mick "I can not be bothered working all day. I want to go home." so Paddy climbs to the top of the structure he was working on and hangs upside down on a steel girder. The foreman of the site see's Paddy and comes out of the office and shouts up to him, "Paddy, what the devil do you reckon you're doing up there upside down?"
Paddy looks down at the foreman and says "I'm pretending to be a light bulb!" The foreman scratches his head and yells up to Paddy, "Go home Paddy, you're being stupid today. We don't need you." Paddy climbs down and smiles at Mick as he punches the time clock heading out the door.
Mick decides Paddy had a great idea and tries to follow suit and tells the foreman that he is going home too and begins to put his coat on. As Mick was heading toward the time clock the foreman yells over to Mick, "And where the devil do you think you are going Mick?" Mick replies, "If you think I'm working in the dark that high up you're crazy!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Paddy looks down at the foreman and says "I'm pretending to be a light bulb!" The foreman scratches his head and yells up to Paddy, "Go home Paddy, you're being stupid today. We don't need you." Paddy climbs down and smiles at Mick as he punches the time clock heading out the door.
Mick decides Paddy had a great idea and tries to follow suit and tells the foreman that he is going home too and begins to put his coat on. As Mick was heading toward the time clock the foreman yells over to Mick, "And where the devil do you think you are going Mick?" Mick replies, "If you think I'm working in the dark that high up you're crazy!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/04/2011
Irish Penance
Megan, a bright young girl, had just finished parochial school. After that horrendous ordeal she felt she was ready for anything so Megan shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York. In a very short time, Megan became a successful performer in show business.
As many Irish folk, eventually Megan returned to her home town for a visit and on Saturday night she went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. Father Sullivan was hearing confession that evening and quickly recognized her when she began to speak. Father Sullivan struck up a conversation asking her about her work. Megan explained that she was an acrobatic dancer on Broadway but Father Sullivan didn't quite understand what that meant.
Megan said she would be happy to show him the kind of acrobatic dancing she did on stage. When confession was over, Megan stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, hand springs and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies witnessed Megan's acrobatics with wide eyes, and the one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
As many Irish folk, eventually Megan returned to her home town for a visit and on Saturday night she went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. Father Sullivan was hearing confession that evening and quickly recognized her when she began to speak. Father Sullivan struck up a conversation asking her about her work. Megan explained that she was an acrobatic dancer on Broadway but Father Sullivan didn't quite understand what that meant.
Megan said she would be happy to show him the kind of acrobatic dancing she did on stage. When confession was over, Megan stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, hand springs and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies witnessed Megan's acrobatics with wide eyes, and the one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/17/2010
A Tall Texan In Ireland
A Texan on vacation walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room goes quiet and no one takes of the Texans offer.
Old Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy. The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy goes into action and downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Old Paddy Murphy replies, "Aye, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Old Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy. The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy goes into action and downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Old Paddy Murphy replies, "Aye, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
An Irish Catholic Dog
Sean Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day his faithful dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked Father Patrick, "Father, me dog is dead. Could you please be sayin a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick was taken back and replied, "I'm afraid not Muldoon. We cannot be having services for an animal in the church. Dogs don't have souls. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin what they believe in. Maybe they'll do something for your dog."
Muldoon was dejected and hung his head down low and said, Well then, I best be gettin right over there Father. Do you be thinking $5,000 dollars is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Upon hearing this Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph Muldoon, Why didn't you be tellin me your dog was Catholic?"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Father Patrick was taken back and replied, "I'm afraid not Muldoon. We cannot be having services for an animal in the church. Dogs don't have souls. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin what they believe in. Maybe they'll do something for your dog."
Muldoon was dejected and hung his head down low and said, Well then, I best be gettin right over there Father. Do you be thinking $5,000 dollars is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Upon hearing this Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph Muldoon, Why didn't you be tellin me your dog was Catholic?"
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/14/2010
Five Good Leads From Confession
 |
| Who Is Nookie Green |
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
Father Flanagan, the Parrish priest recognized the voice as one of his altar boys and asked, "Tis that you little Sean O'Malley?" Sean sheepishly replied, "Yes, Father, it is."
Father Flanagan pressed, "And who was this loose girl you were with then?"
Sean stated, "I cannot tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Father Flanagan whispered back, "Well, Sean, I am sure to find out her name soon enough so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Rooney?"
Sean replied, "I cannot say."
Father Flanagan pressed further, "Was it Elizabeth Casey?"
Sean spoke, "I'll never tell Father."
Father asked, "Was it Patty Mulligan?"
Sean replied, "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
Father continued to press, "Was it Kathy Mannagan?"
Sean softly spoke, "My lips are sealed Father."
Once more, Father Flanagan asked, "Was it Rebecca Muldoon then?"
Sean coyly said, "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
Father Flanagan sighed in frustration. He said, "You are a very tight lipped lad, and I admire that. But you have sinned and now you have to atone. Starting today, you will be relieved of your altar boy duties for four months. Now go back to your pew and say ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers."
Sean slowly walks back to his pew and his friend Mike slides over and whispered, "What'd you get?" Sean whispered, "Four months vacation and five good leads."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/12/2010
Guinness Brewery Gets New CEO
The Guinness Beer company, Ireland's famous brewing facility, named a new tough as nails C.E.O. to steer the company out of it's economic down turn. The New CEO, Robert Flanagan, was determined to tighten the belt of the corporation and rid the company of all the slackers not pulling their weight.
On his first day on the job touring the facility, he noticed a lad leaning lazily on the wall. He looked around and saw the room was full of employees and he thought to himself that this was a perfect opportunity to show everyone that he meant business.
The CEO walked up to the lad leaning on the wall and sternly asked, "And how much money do you make in a weeks time sir?" The young lad looked up nonchalantly and replied, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?" The CEO reached into his pocket and took out a wad of money and counted out $200.00 so everyone could see. He then turned to the lad and screamed, "Here's a weeks pay then, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about firing his first employee for slacking on the job, he looked around the room and asked, "Can anyone tell me what that slacker did here?"
Out from the back of the room, one of the young workers muttered. "He's the pizza delivery guy!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
On his first day on the job touring the facility, he noticed a lad leaning lazily on the wall. He looked around and saw the room was full of employees and he thought to himself that this was a perfect opportunity to show everyone that he meant business.
The CEO walked up to the lad leaning on the wall and sternly asked, "And how much money do you make in a weeks time sir?" The young lad looked up nonchalantly and replied, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?" The CEO reached into his pocket and took out a wad of money and counted out $200.00 so everyone could see. He then turned to the lad and screamed, "Here's a weeks pay then, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about firing his first employee for slacking on the job, he looked around the room and asked, "Can anyone tell me what that slacker did here?"
Out from the back of the room, one of the young workers muttered. "He's the pizza delivery guy!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/17/2009
Irish Humor - Shamus Names The Twins
A pregnant County Mayo woman was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and realizes she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks Dr. Flanagan what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Lassy, now don't you worry now, you had healthy twins! Tis a boy and a girl. Your brother Shamus named them for you for the birth records."
The new mother thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother Shamus, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Doctor, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name at all now is it! I guess I was wrong about Shamus. I like the name Denise!" Then she asked the doctor, "And What is the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
The new mother thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother Shamus, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Doctor, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name at all now is it! I guess I was wrong about Shamus. I like the name Denise!" Then she asked the doctor, "And What is the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Irish Humor - The Devil You Say
Every evening old Paddy Flaherty came home drunk and the missus was not to happy it either. She decides to shock Paddy sober. So the next evening she hides in the cemetery behind the tombstones to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Paddy wanders by, drunk of course, the missus, dressed in a red devil costume, jumps from behind a tombstone and lets out a blood curling scream.
Paddy looked startled. The missus then said in a deep demonic voice, "Paddy Flaherty, sure enough if you don't give up you're drinkin' it'll be to Hell I'll be taking ye'." Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded in a stern voice, "Just who the hell be you?!" The Missus replied, "I'm the devil ya' damned old fool!" Paddy looked relieved and replied, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I married yer sister 30 years ago!"
Paddy looked startled. The missus then said in a deep demonic voice, "Paddy Flaherty, sure enough if you don't give up you're drinkin' it'll be to Hell I'll be taking ye'." Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded in a stern voice, "Just who the hell be you?!" The Missus replied, "I'm the devil ya' damned old fool!" Paddy looked relieved and replied, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I married yer sister 30 years ago!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/16/2009
Irish Humor - Not Bad For A Small Parrish
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the other side of the fairway. The man goes looking for his ball and comes across this little fella with a huge knot on his head, and his golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness and praise the Lord," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little fella. Upon awaking, the little fella says, "Well now, ye caught me fair and square. Being that I am a Leprechaun, I must obey the rules so I will grant ye three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away back to the golf course. Watching the golfer depart, the Leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The Leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The Leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money
is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The Leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The Leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small Irish parish."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
"Goodness and praise the Lord," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little fella. Upon awaking, the little fella says, "Well now, ye caught me fair and square. Being that I am a Leprechaun, I must obey the rules so I will grant ye three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away back to the golf course. Watching the golfer depart, the Leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The Leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The Leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money
is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The Leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The Leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small Irish parish."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/15/2009
Irish Humor - Long Distance Salvation
An Irish business man hired a Kerryman as an assistant to take customer service phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Kerryman answered he hung up immediately. This went on for about an hour until the boss asks Pat, "Who was that on the phone and why did you hang up on him?"
Pat said, "twas some fool kept calling me and saying it was long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that half an hour ago."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
Pat said, "twas some fool kept calling me and saying it was long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that half an hour ago."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/13/2009
Irish Humor - House Of Ill Repute
Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a well known house of ill repute in Boston when along came a Jewish Rabbi walking down the street. The Rabbi looked to his left, then to his right, and quickly ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike... will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!"
A wee bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street. The Minister looked to his left, then to his right, and then scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what
I'm seeing right now? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!"
About twenty minutes later a Catholic Priest came down the street. The Priest looked to his left, then to his right, and waltzed into the bawdy house of ill refute. Pat and Mike straightened up upon seeing this with their own eyes, quickly removed their hats, bowed their heads, as Mike says "Faith be to Jesus, there must be somebody sick in there."
A wee bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street. The Minister looked to his left, then to his right, and then scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what
I'm seeing right now? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!"
About twenty minutes later a Catholic Priest came down the street. The Priest looked to his left, then to his right, and waltzed into the bawdy house of ill refute. Pat and Mike straightened up upon seeing this with their own eyes, quickly removed their hats, bowed their heads, as Mike says "Faith be to Jesus, there must be somebody sick in there."
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
3/17/2007
Miss Ireland 2007
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| Miss Ireland 2007 |
With St. Patrick's day just a few days away, we leprechauns at the Grassy Knoll Institute thought you would like to see the winner of the Miss Ireland 2007 beauty pageant. She has some fabulous tan lines doesn't she?
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
LURKING, ERIN GOES BRALESS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL
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