A Hummer No More

A Grassy Knoll Institute quirky little fun fact:

Everyone knows how to hum. (No, no, get your heads out of the gutter you dirty readers) But did you know that it is impossible for left handed people to hum while holding their nose closed with the left hand. And it is impossible for right handed people to hum while holding their nose with the right hand.

Go ahead, I'll wait for you.

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By the way, it doesn't matter what hand you use. 

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You Want Super Sized What

A lady was at the store and picked up several items and proceeded to the checkout. As always the case, one of her items was not priced. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax for thumbtacks. In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom,

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

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The Fan

It hums it's perpetual song,
Not caring who was listening.
Pushing stale warm air for eternity.
It's cord will indeed be used for punishment.

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Worst Movies Ever Made

The Worst Movies Ever Made
Presented By The Grassy Knoll Institute Film Society

With the Halloween season just completed, I paid close attention to the TV stations promo's for upcoming Halloween movies. I saw most of these so called "Classics" and mind you many of them were clunkers.

Going one step further, the scientists at the Institute decided to compile, (after many hours logged viewing movie after movie) the worst movies ever made.
These movies are in no particular order.....

"Glitter" starring Mariah Carey. Made the movie "Showgirls" look like an Oscar nominated film.

"The Tempest" starring Susan Sarandon. On advice by my older brother that this was a great movie, I took my date, my future wife, to see it. It was our first date, and almost the last. Only the goat Nino saved us.

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes". Yes, I know it was supposed to be a spoof of classic "B" movies, but the jokes and timing were so bad and the props, paper mache tomatoes bouncing down streets were just pathetic.

"Halloween 3". Thinking that this was the trilogy set of the original Halloween movies, I went and paid good money to be sorely disappointed. This movie was not even about Michael Myers, but about some stupid mask that turns people into zombies. A total lamo.

"Howard the Duck" A talking duck from outer space. No more need be said here.

"Plan 9 From Outer Space". An Ed Wood classic. Aliens come to conquer the Earth but all previous 8 plans used did not work. Hence, the title of the movie. Plan 9 would raise the dead and use the zombies to destroy the earth and do the evil bidding of the aliens. It was also Bela Lagosi's last movie. He died before it was completed and a stand in actor was used to complete the movie. The actor had to use a cape and hat to cover his face so as not to be recognized as not being Bela. I wouldn't want to be recognized in this film either.

"Mars Needs Women". Should have been titled, In search of a script....

"Legend of Boggy Creek". I remember watching the promo ads on TV for this movie. It showed several seconds of a fuzzy out of focus ape like creature from a distance walking in the woods. The problem was, that was the highlight of the movie. There was no more actual footage of big foot. Just worthless interviews from a dozen or so eye witnesses.

"Queen of Outer Space" starring Zsa Zsa Gabor. A group of astronauts are blown off course and land on planet Venus and find it inhabited by women. Beautiful women, in mini skirts, and big hairdos. The plot thickens as do these movies do, and the queen wants the men all dead. Zsa Zsa helps them and is condemned with the men. The green sticky rock thingy that somehow attracts them and traps them is one of the worst ever movie props.

"Who's that girl" starring Madonna. I guess this should be, any Madonna movie but this one tops the charts.

"The Gods Must Be Crazy". The African jungle. A bottle of coke that fell from the sky. That's about it.

"Nell" starring Jodie Foster. Dennis Miller, comedian said it best. You go see Nell by yourself.

"Cabin Boy". It's a wonder this stinker didn't bankrupt and ruin David Letterman's reputation. His company produced this clunker.

"Manos The Hands Of Fate". Apparently Manos was an evil spirit, and the master of the house, or hotel, worshipped Manos. A hapless family stumbles into his clutches and seemingly become worshippers as well. Hard to follow plot. Terrible acting.

"Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot" starring Sly Stallone. The rise and fall of Rocky.

"Teenagers From Outer Space". Classic story. Alien teenage boy sent to take over the Earth falls for beautiful Earth girl. The other alien teenage boys hunt down the renegade alien teenage boy with ray guns that have a two second time delay when pressing the trigger.

"Sgt's Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gee's. This was the death knell for the disco era.

"The Fog" starring Andrianne Barbeau. The monster was fog that swept bad people away. Reminds me of the movie "Play Misty For Me".

"Laserblast". Classic story of teenage boy not loved by his mother, harassed by the local sheriff, finds alien technology (A laser gun and strange broach that turned him green) and decides to take matters into his own hands. Classic.

"Mr. Nanny" starring Hulk Hogan. This movie clearly proves that Vince McMahon owns all the wrestlers rights and futures. Hulk sinks to low level.

Well, there you have it. Twenty classic stinkers.
Any that I left out or missed?
What are your worst favorite movies?

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Famous Last Words

Famous Last Words Gone Bad

#001 I'll get a world record for this...
#002 Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
#003 Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
#004 It's fireproof...
#005 Godfather, why did you kiss me on the cheek?
#006 So, you're a feminist? Isn't that precious?
#007 Gee, that's a cute tattoo...
#008 Don't worry, he's probably just hibernating...
#009 I'll hold it and you light the fuse...
#010 Don't worry, I saw this done on television...
#011 I regret that I have only one life to give for my country.
#012 What duck?
#013 What does this button do?
#014 These are the good kind of mushrooms...
#015 We need a bigger boat....
#016 Happy birthday Mr. President....
#017 Then let them eat cake...
#018 Pull the pin and count to what?
#019 This won't hurt a bit...
#020 Which wire am I supposed to cut?
#021 No one's ever escaped from the Rock...
#022 How fast can this Vette go anyway?
#023 Blue! No, wait, Yellow, Ahrggg....
#024 Anyone got a match?
#025 I'm making a citizens arrest...
#026 Rosebud....
#027 It's probably just a rash...
#028 She's dead.....Wrapped in plastic...
#029 Are you sure the power's off?
#030 The odds of that happening are a million to one...
#031 Hey, there's no handles inside these car doors.
#032 Hey, that's not a violin...
#033 I'm melting.....melting....melting...
#034 Why is the rest of the Star trek landing party wearing a different color uniform?
#035 I wonder where the mother bear is?
#036 I am the walrus...goo goo ga joob....
#037 What's that priest doing here?....
#038 What's that smell?
#039 Here's my Kent State student ID card....
#040 What do these buttons do?
#041 What plane?...
#042 This planet has an atmoshere just like on earth...
#043 Now, let's all stick together....
#044 It's a cook book.....
#045 This doesn't taste right....
#046 Watch this....
#047 Vulcans never bluff...
#048 Nice doggie...
#049 Don't worry, I'm an expert...
#050 I think I just saw Charles Manson...
#051 Now I lay me down to sleep...
#052 This house ain't haunted...
#053 The Lord is my Sheppard...
#054 OK, this is the last time....
#055 That birthmark behind your ear looks a lot like 999...
#056 Phasers on Stun...
#057 Houston, we have a problem...
#058 Where's the instruction manual?...
#059 Give me liberty or give me death...
#060 I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...
#061 Fire what cannon?....
#062 Don't be so superstitious...
#063 No way will it ever rain for 40 days and nights...
#064 That's odd...
#065 So, do you fell lucky punk?...Well....Do ya?...
#066 I have, and shall always be,....your friend...Live long and prosper.
#067 I know a shortcut...
#068 Nero, do you smell smoke?
#069 Who's all those men in black suits and dark glasses?
#070 I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second...
#071 Is that a black helicopter?
#072 Where's the brakes on this thing?
#073 Don't worry, we'll make the jump...
#074 Here's your recon report General Custer...
#075 I'll get your bagel out...
#076 That sign says Area 51....
#077 I've done this before...
#078 It'll hold us both...
#079 I can make this light before it changes....
#080 Is that a train whistle?
#081 I can do that with my eyes closed...
#082 No, my shoes are not untied...
#083 What do you mean, I'll be back...
#084 Let it down slowly...
#085 Alas poor Yorok...
#086 Oh Ruby,.....Don't take your love to town...
#087 OK, I'll make your day wise guy....
#088 Guilty, Your honor...
#089 I got's to know.
#090 Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
#091 With God as my witness....
#092 She's a witch...
#093 It looks like it's clear sailing from here.
#094 What a useless scroll. It says, HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR over and over again."
#095 "Click?? ...This doesn't come with ammo?"
#096 "Let me handle this."
#097 "That's only a statue"
#098 "You jump down and distract him, and I'll shoot him."
#099 "Don't be silly. If this was really the ship's "Self-Destruct Button", do you think they'd leave it lying around where anyone could press it?"
#100 "Hmmm...the sign on the door says, "AIRLOCK". I wonder what's inside."
#101"They can't see me. I'm invisible!"
#102 "All clear, guys."
#103 "What do you mean, I hear water?"

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R.E. M. - Not those Guys

For all you know, the hideous hell you are living in is merely a dream, an illusion, mere minutes of R.E.M. sleep state.
Safely asleep, tucked away in a warm bed in a small sleepy hollow town. Content to be manacled to your pitiful 9 to 5 job at the local employer. Imagine the horror when you finally awake and realize that your dream is actually reality, and reality is a mere figment of your imagination.
Now ain't that like losing your religion.
PLEASANT DREAMS.....From the Grassy Knoll Institute.

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Worst Songs Ever Recorded

The Grassy Knoll Institute compiled the following list:
The worst songs ever recorded

Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes.
You all remember, this is the second video that the new MTV music network played on its cable channel.

MacArthur Park by Richard Harris
Someone left the cake out in the rain,....and I'll never have that recipe again, oh no!!!!!

Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
Sorry Ice, you became a laughing stock.

Father Figure by George Michael
I won't be your father figure put your tiny hand in mine.....

Watching Scotty Grow by Bobby Goldsboro
The sequeal to Honey, see the tree how big its grown....

Silly Love Songs by Wings
Sorry Sir Paul.

Norman by Sue Thompson
Can only remember the words Norman, da da da da da d a da something, Norman,....

Boogie oogie oogie by A Taste of Honey
Get down, boogie, oogie, oogie were the only words I believe.

The Night Chicago Died by Paper Lace
Cheesy tune about Al Capone and someones daddy being a cop on the East side of Chicago.

Beach Baby by First Class
From July to the end of September, beach baby, beach baby, beach baby....

Emperors Clothes by Sinead O'Connor
Giving speaking in tongues a whole new meaning.

Informer by Snow
Real fast lyrics of nonsense. Here is a sample...."You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame A licky boom-boom down' Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane A licky boom-boom down"

Rico Suave by Gerardo.
A horn supposedly that was to be sexy, sounds like a dump truck backing up.

She Bangs by William Haung
His 15 minutes of fame was up, now his song lives like "Night of the Living Dead"

Muskrat Love by Captain and Tenille.
A love song about a gerbel. Need anymore be said.

I've never been to me by Charlene
She's been to paradise, but shes never been to me.... And your point?

Disco Duck by Rick Dee's.
The death knell of disco.

Torn Between Two Lovers by Mary Mcgregor
A smarmy marmy tune sung off key.

Havin My Baby by Paul Anka
Just hate it. Couldn't tune the dial fast enough.

Strawberry Letter 23 by Brothers Johnson
It took him 22 previous attempts to write this...."Stained window yellow candy screen, See speakers of kite (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah) With velvet roses diggin' freedom flight (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah) A present from you (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah) Strawberry letter 22 The music plays I sit in for a few (ah, ah, ah, ah...)(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...)"

Run Joey Run by David Geddes
And to think Madonna had a remake in her papa don't preach tune."Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to meDaddy please don't, we're gonna get married...just you wait and see."

Bicycle Race Queen
Nice bell. Thats about it.

Mambo #5 by Lou Bega
Incessant melody that drives me crazy.

Billy Don't Be A Hero by The Heywoods
Well, he became a hero and died.

Feelings by Morris Albert
Most sung song on the gong show. Need more be said?

Cars by Gary Numan
In cars, duhn, duhn, duhm, da, da , da duhn, in cars. Great lyrics. Not!!!!

Lime In The Coconut by Harry Nillson
These lyrics speaks volumes...In what language I don't know."Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime, His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up, And said, "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache? I say, Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?"

Magnet and Steel by Walter Egan
This one was made of tin and it didn't stick...

Sylvias Mother by Dr Hook
Who cares about her mother especially when he's whining about her?

Rapture by Blondie
Well, just read these lyrics...."Fab Five Freddie told me everybody's high DJ's spinnin' are savin' my mind. Flash is fast, Flash is coolFrancois sez fas, Flashe' no do. And you don't stop, sure shot. Go out to the parking lot. And you get in your car and you drive real far. And you drive all night and then you see a light. And it comes right down and lands on the ground. And out comes a man from Mars. And you try to run but he's got a gun. And he shoots you dead and he eats your head. And then you're in the man from Mars. You go out at night, eatin' cars. You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too Mercurys and Subarus. And you don't stop, you keep on eatin' cars. Then, when there's no more cars. You go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet. Face to face, dance cheek to cheek"

Heartbeat by Don Johnson
Stick with Miami Vice Don.

Superbowl Shuffle by Chicago Bears players
Tainted a superbowl victory.

Fernando by Abba
Yes, we hear the drums? Wish We didn't.

Mickey by Toni Basil
Never look at cheeleaders quite the same.

Saturday Night by Bay City Rollers
Saw them at Idora Park. Last gig they ever had.

Tutti Fruitti by Pat Boone
Sure signs that Viagra has affected him.

Towin The Line by Rocky Burnette
I'm tired of listening dude. Cut the line already.

All By Myself by Eric Carmen
Wish he kept this song to himself.

Radioactive by The Firm
You're radioactive? Now what?

Anything by Kenny G

I Was Made For Dancin by Leif Garrett
But not for singin.

MmmmnBop by Hanson
Can't wait for their greatest hits album.

Chuck E's In Love by Ricky Lee Jones
Cats being tortured.

99 Red Balloons by Nena
She got a great body.

Anything by Art Garfunkel

Paper Roses by Marie Osmond
Utah's first family, Donny and Marie....

Which Way You Goin Billy by Poppy Family
The sign post up ahead...The Twilight Zone.

I Found Love On A Two Way Street by the Moments
But lost it on a lonely highway. DOA.

Telephone Man by Meri Wilson
Hey lolly lolly, get it any way you can. Oh god, make it stop.

Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by Will Shatner
Ship.......out.......of.......danger......Beam me up Scotty, there's no talent here.

Betcha By Golly Wow by Stylisitcs
This is something someone would say while watching a porn movie.

Dont Call Us Well Call You by SugarLoaf
They're still waiting for the call.

I'm Not In Love by 10cc
The original boy band. You're not a hit either.

The Show Must Go On by 3 Dog Night
Never thought I'd hear carnival music in rock and roll.

Tip Toe To The Gas Pumps by Tiny Tim
God rest his soul. He peaked on Carson and bottomed by the end of the show.

I Think were Alone Now by Tiffany
Still afraid to go to the mall.

Dont Worry Be Happy by Bobby Mcfarren
Not even Robin Williams could bail this song out.

Anything by Slim Whitman or Box Car Willy.

These are the nominee's. All worthy to be the worst song ever. Did I miss any? Send along a reply to vote for your favorite worst song or add to the list.

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The Elevator

Another sound was just heard overhead. Could it be that they have returned? Maybe it was just a stray Tom cat or mangy dog scrounging for food. At that point, it was very difficult to determine reality from illusion. Maybe I should just come out of hiding and get it all over with. That's what they want anyway. To find me. To Kill Me.They have been hunting me ever since they obliterated the earth and enslaved the population. It was inevitable that one day they would find me. It has been 41 days since I have ventured above ground and soaked in the warm rays of the sun. Instead, I have chosen to survive, if you call it that, living in a burned out basement of a long since abandoned building. In a flash, a loud piercing bell sounded.

It was an elevator bell. Unaware, I was somehow teleported and was now standing inside a moving elevator. Trapped like the proverbial rat. Oh my god, they have finally found me. Panic and anxiety set in. "Excuse me sir," the elevator operator inquired, "You did say the 13th floor didn't you?" I panicked. I pushed the operator out of the door, formulating my escape route, knowing that for at least today, this moment, they would not get their prize, their feast, their trophy. I chanted over and over as I ran from the complex, "I will survive one more day."

"What's his problem?", the operator said to the bystanders. One of the others spoke up and said, "You know those traveling salesmen and how high strung they can be making cold calls."

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